Should I tell the new girlfriend that I have an STI?

[polkadotelephant]

Keeping it brief!

My husband walked out just over a year ago and is dating a 24 year old. He only told me they’re dating yesterday although I’ve suspected for 18 months.
Just before he left a smear showed I was positive for HPV. I have no idea if he gave it to me or the other way round as it can stay dormant for years. He is aware of this but probably doesn’t give a s**t as it doesn’t affect him directly. He definitely didn’t seem to care less when I told him and we were still together. He has a tendency to “forget” anything important in mine or the kids lives so I very much doubt he has either been tested himself or told her.

Anyway should I tell her that I have an STI that he is likely to be carrying and could give her cancer?
Or is it none of my business and will only look petty if I tell her, especially as, due to her young age she is likely to be vaccinated?

YABU - don’t tell her, it’s up to him
YANBU - she should be told

I had this dilemma. I told him he needed to tell her and he said that he did so I left it.

Is it really an still though?

Sorry sti l meant

Many adults have or have had HPV. Almost everyone apart from virgins

He should be telling her. If he doesn’t, he does not have her true consent for sex.

I do cervical screening... Technically it's not an STI.

I think it would be really petty and pointless to tell the new woman. It basically looks like you are stirring up drama. She has and 8 in 10 chance at having the virus at some point. (If she already hasn't had it) so would have absolute 0 idea if he gave it to her or not.

Let it go.

I’d tell her, but then I have infertility from a STI so I’m less casual about them than many.

If she / he thinks you’re being intrusive, so what?

What will you gain from this?

80% of people have HPV, it's passed through sexual contact but it requires no treatment and isn't in the same league as other STIs such as syphilis, etc There isn't even a routine screening test for men for HPV.

It’s not technically an STI, most older women in the UK probably have it lying dormant and unless your husband has been your one and only partner you have absolutely no way of telling when you contracted it and who from as it can lie dormant for literally decades. If she’s 24, she’s very likely been vaccinated anyway, so in this case I’d stay out of it. Her sexual health is not your business.

If she’s 24 she’ll probably have been vaccinated against.

Not for that no. You have motives, I understand them but shell probably think you're batshit for saying you have HPV. Her smears are her own business.

My daughter's 28 and has been vaccinated. She has likely been as well.

You just want to stir the pot. No good comes of it.

Most people have HPV and she's likely to be vaccinated. It's not really an STI as such. Just leave them be.

She might have been the one to pass it on to you

HPV isn't an STI like that - 80% of the sexually active population carry it, it comes and goes - no need to say.

I thought about 95% of people have HPV.

Why?

An ex gave me HPV and unfortunately for me it's one of the 2 types that have the highest instances of developing into cervical cancer. I'm very pissed off about it even though I know logically it's not his fault, and am waiting to see if any cell changes have occurred in the last 12 months or if it has cleared up. If you have one of the higher risk types of HPV, I'd tell her but otherwise I probably wouldn't bother. Good points made by others about her likely being vaccinated too.

It's too late, assuming they have already had sex then he has already passed it on to her, unless she has had the vaccine.

Fair enough. Just trying to get an opinion as I’m obviously a little raw and actually when I was told I had HPV no one gave me any advice about it (just a letter in the post) and my husband wasn’t supportive at all (he walked out two weeks later so I think he had already given up on me).
I actually hold no ill thoughts against her. She is little more than a child. I actually just want her to know so she can be hyper aware. She may want children etc. I did mention in my original post that she was probably vaccinated.

However I’m happy to let it go. I’ll just remind him that I tested positive and leave it at that.

BTW it’s really reassuring to know so many people have it. I’ve been terrified over the past year that I’m going to die of cancer and leave my children. My ex doesn’t really spend much time with them (for obvious reasons) so I would be scared what would happen or how I would support them if I was long-term sick.

No need to say anything. If it was chlamydia then, yes. I think bringing this up to her is just because you're (quite rightly) hurting.

No I wouldn't because it's not really the same as something like chlamydia. I had a smear that showed up as HPV positive despite being with my husband since I was 20. I have no idea where it came from and initially I freaked out but a bit of googling suggested it can lie dormant for years and as we weren't virgins it could have come from anywhere.

Would a man know if be even had it unless they were with someone that did and even condoms aren't a fool proof way, it can be passed on through skin to skin contact.

I can see that you (hopefully🤔) just mean well and that you are just doing this to help her without the hope in your head that you will potentially cause trouble.

But she might think you’re batshit. You’re his ex and you’re contacting her about STIs - she might think you’re trying to cause shit. So be prepared for that.

just to let you know OP@polkadotelephant HPV does also affect men - its a cause of some head and neck cancers, penis and anal cancer. Hence why boys as well as girls need to be vaccinated! Many peoples bodies will naturally eliminate the virus but its good that you have found out about it now. If you are worried you may have been in an "overlap" situation I would personally get myself tested for other STI's though.