AIBu to consider another baby when I only ever wanted one

[Animallover87]

I have the best baby in the whole world. He sleeps like a dream and is the most pleasant soul. I actually can't believe how much I love him and love being a mum.

I was never that into kids and agreed to have one as DH really wanted to and I am SO glad every day I did.

I only wanted one. I hated being pregnant. I had sickness and heartburn pretty much the whole time. Very easy birth (planned section by choice).

I like time to myself and since DS was born I've still gone out to my hobby regularly as DH is a great dad and he's happy to look after him when he's home from work (standard 9-5 outside the house). Today I've already been to the gym and had nails done.

My parents love baby DS too and babysit every week so me and DH go to the cinema at least once a week.

My best friend lives in Qatar and I go and stay with her for a long weekend twice a year. DH happy for me to still do that while he stays at home with DS.

So we have a nice life and a nice balance. I feel that one child is to manage between us and we both still get time to ourselves. I was a very happy only child. I get overwhelmed easily and the thought of another child to look after and bicker with DS makes me feel a bit stressed!

But I just can't help this nagging feeling that maybe I should have another. If something happened to DS I honestly don't feel like I could go on. But if I had another I would still have a reason. Sorry that's morbid but it keeps popping into my head. Also it might be nice to have a daughter so I could experience one of each sex (obviously I know I couldn't choose).

Another would compromise free time, money, lifestyle. I dread the thought of pregnancy again and it would be even worse with a child to look after this time!

I don't have long to decide as I'm approaching late thirties already. I thought I already had decided to stick at one. DH says he's happy with whatever I decide.

Should I consider another? I don't know why I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe it's hormones, baby DS is only 4 months!

Bumping this, as I am in an almost identical situation. I originally wanted to be one and done and have an almost 2 year old, who is an excellent sleeper.

I keep going back and forth about whether to have another, but I have even less time to think about it than you do, as I will be 40 in a few months.

I briefly wobbled but have never regretted having one only. All those things you can just do, have a second one and those little things for you become much harder to achieve. Work/Life balance is easier with one and you can give them so much without having to worry about how much it will all cost.
Plus should the worst happen I can't imagine anything worse than being the child who gives mummy a reason to keep living the pressure would be horrific.
But I'm an only myself and I don't have any hang ups about siblings!

I think only 4 months in is a bit too early to make a decision about having another baby. When your baby is a toddler, you may feel very, very differently about having another. Just enjoy the present and think about it again once your son is a year old.

Yes, I'd just put the decision on hold for at least a year and see how you feel. At four months I would have signed up to have thirty babies. A few months later ... Not so much.

I'm really glad I have more than one DC but I'm also glad I was able to make a more rational choice about it and have a decent age gap (had all of mine late 30s so I do get the pressure but if you've had one at this age already I wouldn't be so worried).

More than anything for me there is this residual 'guilt' about not giving DD a sibling. But then I know that this parental guilt will never stop regardless. I know I'll feel guilty about not being to give the hypothetical 'two children' more due to costs, time etc.

The guilt will never be absolved, therefore I'm sticking with one and giving her all my time, attention, effort and money.

My personality is not conducive to dealing with the stress of more than one child anyway.

There are lots of things to consider. Go with your instinct.

Yes as others have said op, i’d give it a bit more time to decide. Not just to let your body heal, especially from a section, but you may feel differently when your son is a toddler. They go through all sorts of sleeping phases, and the toddler tantrums are horrendous. You may get issue with fussy eating, allergies etc. A common toddler issue is not being able to sit still for very long so going out to eat never happens. Others that babysit for you will find it more difficult with a toddler, but also 2 kids.

I am also 38 weeks pregnat with my 2nd and being pregnant with a toddler to look after sucks, both in first and third trimester. And i was only sick once.

If something happened to DS I honestly don't feel like I could go on. But if I had another I would still have a reason.

I really relate to this. It’s one reason I think about having more than one DC but it’s not a valid reason. Which I think you know. If your children get along and something happens to your son, you have to parent your second child whilst dealing with your own grief and your child’s at losing their sibling.

Thanks, your replies have all been really helpful.

I think I know myself well enough to know that I would feel overwhelmed with another and it would make everything a lot more difficult (just with my own personality as I really struggle when I feel stressed/tired etc)

I also know how much I enjoyed being an only so I have no hang ups/guilt about having to provide a sibling.

I just didn't expect to be so overwhelmed with love for my little boy!

I think I should probably stick with my decision to just have him, I had no idea I would ever even consider wanting another. I'm putting it down to hormones and maybe in a year I'll wonder what I was thinking 🙃

If you're loving life...don't mess with the formula!

My baby is a couple months older and have been having the same debate. She's also a great sleeper and people keep telling me you don't get a good sleeper twice hah. I think I'd rather regret not having a second child, rather than having a second and regretting it to be honest

I always wanted a big family but I don't really see the difference between always having wanted more than one, and having a baby amd deciding that, actually, you want more than one after all! There are people who never wanted any kids who surprised themselves when they accidentally found themselves a parent and went on to have more. To be honest, I had always wanted four or five but after number 3, I decided I was finished. A lot of things, feelings and circumstances changed since my pre-baby days and I went with the status quo. If you think that actually, I'm quite open to another then I would go for it but take your time if time is on your side. Maybe wait until your son is old enough to go to nursery a few days a week as it is tough being at home with a baby and toddler at the same time!

I absolutely love having 3 and definitely found having babies addictive, as that feeling of love happens again and again but feels packaged in a different way for each child. Your feelings pre-baby are actually less informed than your post baby experiences.

For all intents and purposes, I was an only child growing up. While it's a great experience for others, it wasn't for me and I was determined to give my kids the sibling relationship and opportunities that I didn't have. I also had those morbid thoughts that you describe and it was one of the many, many, MANY reasons why I wanted more.

In summary, explore where motherhood takes you and let this current journey inform your future choices, not what you thought motherhood would be like before you experienced it.

I had the same debate when my LO was around the same age. Now that we’re a year further down the road I can say no, I definitely only want one, she’s all I need so it was most likely hormones and being in the baby bubble.

Thanks guys for resurrecting my thread!

I'm still in turmoil about it. I saw someone on my social media today had her fourth baby and had a weird pang of jealousy!

Realistically though all my reasons for just one still stand. I love travel and want to do it solo and also with DS and DH. I like time to myself and sleep. These things would become so much more difficult with 2, logistically and financially.

I'm 37 and time isn't really on my side but I think I'll give myself to DS' second birthday to decide and that takes the pressure off a bit for now. Also DH is 40 and I know the risks increase as both parents get older.

I didn't expect to be even considering it!

I hear you about bickering. But friends of ours who have just one child spend way more time and energy on entertaining the only one, while in our house, DD1 and 2 play with each other. I figured that if there's one, the freedom is gone already anyway and if I want to take a weekend in Qatar, DH can take care of 2 of them just as well as one.

I think you have to wait at least a year after having a c-section to get pregnant again anyway? Maybe re-consider in a years time how you are feeling mentally and emotionally.

There may be a preference for this, but you don't have too. I know people who have gotten pregnant very quickly after c-section and no problem. I had 3 c-sections in a 4 year period and none of the OBs I saw raised this. Sometimes there is a specific risk due to thinning but if that was the case OP should already have been told this.

I know a woman in your situation who went on to have a second. The only regret she has was not being able to conceive a third. I don't think this necessarily means anything in relation to your situation though, for some families that will be the right choice and for others it won't. There's pros and cons to both options.

Sometimes two can be easier because they'll play together, any 2 of mine together are good, all 3 and it's an argument waiting to happen. Sometimes siblings just don't get along. I see very little of my DB, I love him but we're very different people. I was a quite child and think I would have been a happy and low effort only child because I disappeared into my own world a lot. Having one child can mean they need a lot more input from parents constantly playing with them. One of my DC would be a nightmare only child. He has two siblings and is still constantly agating for playdates and me to play with him. I think approaching it as something you don't need to decide right this moment is a good thing, it's a big decision, it's sensible to take you're time to work out what you really want and what you can cope with. They may not be the same thing and the later may be more important in making this decision.

Everyone I know with two has one cuddly little puppy and one unhinged sociopath. They can happen in either order. But if you’ve got your easy one now right there, I don’t fancy your chances.

I stuck at one in a very similar position to you and have no regrets. You can take it in turns to have childfree time in a way you can’t with two, so you still get to feel like yourself. Our kid is great and even shares a lot of our interests. We do a lot of hosting playdates though because it’s easier for us.

I’m 6 weeks into having a second one and it’s HARD. I’m getting no sleep and trying to juggle 2 of them is bloody difficult, like feeding one and potty training the other! Hoping this will eventually pass! It’s the sleep that’s the killer.

Your current life sounds bliss. I definitely would stay with one.

@TippiHedrin is spot on.

DS1 - total nightmare sleeper and super high maintenance child
DS2 - little angel who slept through very early on
DS3 - see DS1 but add special needs
DS4 - a mixture of other DS's

Anyone I know who has a great first I tell them to quit while they're ahead!

Definitely definitely wouldn't be considering getting pregnant within the first year! I think I'd end up being 39 by the time I had another one if we decided to to ahead which isn't ideal but nothing I can do about it.

Had a lovely morning with a long lie whilst DH got DS up and I'm back thinking that sticking at one would be nice 🤣

Whatever you do, don’t have another baby. you will destroy the future adult’s mental health from the off.

Read back what you’ve written then imagine explaining your reasonings got his birth to your future adult son.

A baby isn’t an accessory or a potential spare part.

God help the child you have when he reaches the age when he’s not compliant and don’t fit into your boxes.

Bliss for her. I suspect less so for DH.

We have 2 but I have loads of family support as well as a super dad of a husband who works from home with a very flexible work schedule. My parents live a 10 minute walk away and retired in their 50's and are very hands on grandparents who will happily babysit at the drop of a hat. We're lucky to have a very good financial situation too so that was never a concern. I always planned on two though and never questioned that decision.

I will say though that my son was the most happy, placid little baby and now as a 2 year old he's an absolute whirlwind! Still a very happy little guy and I love his adventurous outgoing personality but he is loud, high energy and always on the move! 4 months is far too young to know what's down the line!