Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt and taken for granted?

48 replies

MarsandVenus · 18/11/2023 05:56

Have come to visit DD overseas and staying at theirs. She lives with her DP and their toddler DD. I only visit every 1 or 2 years due to distance & cost.

Last Saturday (my first weekend there) they asked if I could look after the toddler for the day as DD was going to an all day hen do & her DP was going to be out all day at a sporting event. I’ve already been lined up to do next Saturday when DD and her DP will be out all day at her bestie’s adult only wedding.

Late last night (Friday) I asked about plans for the weekend. DD replied that she’d be out Saturday afternoon till late at a posh birthday party & DP would be out at another sports event. Had I not asked, I’m not sure when I’d have been told (not asked!) that I was expected to babysit. That’ll make it 3 Saturdays on the bounce.

I feel a bit like Cinderella here, stuck at home with DGD while DD is sipping champagne at glitzy events 3 week’s running. AIBU to find DD’s behaviour inconsiderate & hurtful?

I know I could’ve protested, but I really couldn’t face a row. The hen do & wedding I get is non negotiable as it’s her bestie and I’ve known about that for a few months. However surely if you have family visiting it’s considerate to prioritise your social events & not go to absolutely everything (eg the birthday) - or perhaps ask if your guest could come along too.. or at the very least make alternative childcare arrangements for one or more occasions (her PILs live near & are often happy to do it). My visit has been in the diary for 6 months so I’ve hardly arrived unannounced. I’m feeling taken for granted & hurt. AIBU?

OP posts:
Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 18/11/2023 05:58

You barely see your granddaughter. I think you should suck it up.

Yoyoban · 18/11/2023 06:04

How long are you staying there for? Are you getting much time with them during the week (either taken time off work or stay at home parent) or are they at work all week?

They definitely should have asked in advance rather than assuming you'd be ok with it/ telling you what was happening. But it may be that they think you're there to visit your grandchild too and would like some one to one time with them.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/11/2023 06:09

I’m sure I’ve read this exact same post before??

It sounds like a very weird dynamic for DD to not be interested in spending much time with you when you - presumably? had both discussed your visit in advance. But I’m guessing there’s an entire backstory to why this sounds like a pretty distant relationship.

Hipnotised · 18/11/2023 06:10

If you're seeing them during the week then YABU.

user1492757084 · 18/11/2023 06:11

Enjoy your grandchild during those Saturday events.

Make a suggestion for other hours of the weekends.

Ask for ideas of where you and the grandchild can go out for coffee, play places and shopping. Staying home with the baby is probably not the only option.

Speak frankly to your daughter and say how you hope she will take time off and spend some days with you. Say that you are really wanting to meet her friends too.

The date of the friend's wedding would be a coincidence.

Aliceinnorthernland · 18/11/2023 06:14

YANBU. If you were my mum I would have refused the party at least. But that may depend on what you're doing in the week..

TookTheBook · 18/11/2023 06:45

It sounds like PIL do lots of childcare for them so it's your turn? Both to babysit but also bond with your grandchild.

I'd also suggest outings or time together with your own DD as soon as you can. But resenting the babysitting is odd, there's perhaps a miscommunication happening.

Finlesswonder · 18/11/2023 07:04

OK I'm in my 30s and no kids so neither a parent nor a grandparent and maybe I'm missing something as a result but...isn't there a whiff of misogyny in these replies?!
Sounds like people are telling OP she should be grateful to do this free labour because it means bonding with the baby plus its "her turn".

But no OP: you are allowed to have an ego, a holiday and a desire to be cherished "even if" you are a grandmother. I think it's bloody rude for somebody to have their mother travel to see them and then basically use them as a nanny while they're here. If I were you I would suck it up now but when you get home send a letter or email saying you felt like you would have liked more time to connect with your daughter and that on your next visit you're happy to do a night alone with granddaughter but it would be good to do more stuff together.

rookiemere · 18/11/2023 07:11

She should definitely have asked- and apologetically- not assumed you'd want to babysit every weekend.

How long are you there ?

goodkidsmaadhouse · 18/11/2023 07:26

Maybe her PILs like taking the grandchild alone and she thought you’d enjoy it too (my ILs are definitely like this).

Maybe you don’t have a great relationship because of something in the past you’re not mentioning.

Maybe she just feels very comfortable leaving her child with you and is taking advantage of having her Mum around.

Hard to say because this is just a snippet but why don’t you talk to her and tell her you were really hoping to get some time with her too?

Ibetyoudidntknow · 18/11/2023 07:57

Whilst she shouldn’t expect anything. I would hope my mum would be delighted to look after my children and have 1-1 time with them for a few days, if we lived in separate countries.

Original poster
MarsandVenus · 18/11/2023 10:30

Thanks for the replies. Not seeking to drip feed, but in response to some of the questions:

DD & DP both work full time & then evenings are dinner, bath baby & early to bed so there’s not a lot of scope for us to socialise in the week

I don’t have a problematic or distant relationship with my DD but she does have previous for being a bit entitled & even on occasion a CF!

I don’t resent looking after my DDG, she’s lovely and good fun; it’s great to spend time with her. Just feeling a bit put upon & neglected by DD atm.

I’m here for a couple of months so hopefully have time to spend with DD later.

I didn’t feel able to express my thoughts on this to DD partly because I wondered if I’d appear foolish, needy or unreasonable. Hence asking the MN sounding board - AIBU?

Having reflected, this situation has I think triggered long held feelings about being left out or excluded that date back to school days. Funny old thing, the mind 🤔

OP posts:
Janeandme · 18/11/2023 10:33

You’ve been asked to care for your own grandchild what 2 or 3 times and you’re kicking off and want to go to her mates birthday or hen do instead?

is this a reverse? Surely no one would behave like this, they probably think you would be delighted to do this.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 18/11/2023 10:38

Ok, so reading your update I’d say it’s likely a combo of a) her being a bit of an entitled person! and b) you being there for such a long time that she probably feels she can catch up on you and her time later.

I think you should speak to her but don’t mention feeling hurt or resentful, just let her know that as much as you love looking after your GD, you also really love being with her (your DD) and want time with her as well.

Nanny0gg · 18/11/2023 10:40

Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 18/11/2023 05:58

You barely see your granddaughter. I think you should suck it up.

She barely sees her daughter either!

Janeandme · 18/11/2023 10:41

goodkidsmaadhouse · 18/11/2023 10:38

Ok, so reading your update I’d say it’s likely a combo of a) her being a bit of an entitled person! and b) you being there for such a long time that she probably feels she can catch up on you and her time later.

I think you should speak to her but don’t mention feeling hurt or resentful, just let her know that as much as you love looking after your GD, you also really love being with her (your DD) and want time with her as well.

Are you kidding, she’s there for two months, the daughter has went out 2 or 3 times. She’s getting a shit ton of tome with her.

the op wanting the other pil to care for the child, and to go to her friends hen or birthday do with her, is just bloody selfish and odd.

Nanny0gg · 18/11/2023 10:42

MarsandVenus · 18/11/2023 10:30

Thanks for the replies. Not seeking to drip feed, but in response to some of the questions:

DD & DP both work full time & then evenings are dinner, bath baby & early to bed so there’s not a lot of scope for us to socialise in the week

I don’t have a problematic or distant relationship with my DD but she does have previous for being a bit entitled & even on occasion a CF!

I don’t resent looking after my DDG, she’s lovely and good fun; it’s great to spend time with her. Just feeling a bit put upon & neglected by DD atm.

I’m here for a couple of months so hopefully have time to spend with DD later.

I didn’t feel able to express my thoughts on this to DD partly because I wondered if I’d appear foolish, needy or unreasonable. Hence asking the MN sounding board - AIBU?

Having reflected, this situation has I think triggered long held feelings about being left out or excluded that date back to school days. Funny old thing, the mind 🤔

Are they not taking any leave to spend time with you?

Definitely ask now about future weekends.

Nanny0gg · 18/11/2023 10:42

Janeandme · 18/11/2023 10:33

You’ve been asked to care for your own grandchild what 2 or 3 times and you’re kicking off and want to go to her mates birthday or hen do instead?

is this a reverse? Surely no one would behave like this, they probably think you would be delighted to do this.

It's a bit much when she wasn't pre-warned (asked) and it's all as soon as she gets there

goodkidsmaadhouse · 18/11/2023 10:47

Janeandme · 18/11/2023 10:41

Are you kidding, she’s there for two months, the daughter has went out 2 or 3 times. She’s getting a shit ton of tome with her.

the op wanting the other pil to care for the child, and to go to her friends hen or birthday do with her, is just bloody selfish and odd.

Show quote history

She hopefully WILL get a lot of time with her. She hasn’t yet. She’s been there just over a week and the DD has been out for a full day the first weekend, going out for half the day today, going out for a full day next weekend. They aren’t getting much time together during the week because DD works full time. So what… a day, so far? I wouldn’t call that a shit ton.

TyneTeas · 18/11/2023 10:47

I think if you are there for 2-3 months it's a bit different if it was a visit for 2-3 weeks and so every weekend you are there, but you may need to have a conversation to see what their expectations are for the rest of your visit!

burnoutbabe · 18/11/2023 10:49

It's rude not to ask in advance if you are okay to look after the child as both of them want to go out

And also not plan to spend much time doing stuff with you in the weekends. Are you not very bored being there all day in the week on your own?

Original poster
MarsandVenus · 18/11/2023 11:06

Just to clarify, I help out quite a bit in the week while they are working with household chores, washing, ironing, cooking & some days picking up /looking after DGD after daycare. I really don’t resent it and happy to help out as it’s shit juggling full time work & kids.

I don’t get bored in the daytime as I’m pretty good at finding things to do. I just feel a bit put upon & neglected with the out all day on Saturday thing.

OP posts:
Janeandme · 18/11/2023 11:27

goodkidsmaadhouse · 18/11/2023 10:47

She hopefully WILL get a lot of time with her. She hasn’t yet. She’s been there just over a week and the DD has been out for a full day the first weekend, going out for half the day today, going out for a full day next weekend. They aren’t getting much time together during the week because DD works full time. So what… a day, so far? I wouldn’t call that a shit ton.

Show quote history

So the other 12 evenings don’t count, the Sundays don’t count, the sat mornings don’t count?

goodkidsmaadhouse · 18/11/2023 11:41

Janeandme · 18/11/2023 11:27

So the other 12 evenings don’t count, the Sundays don’t count, the sat mornings don’t count?

Show quote history

You seem determined to pick a fight and not read the OP’s words properly Confused She’s already said that there isn’t much time for socialising in the evenings. I don’t know about the OP’s DD but after a day at work and putting my kids to bed I know I don’t feel like sitting up chatting for hours. Yes they have this morning but the first Saturday the DD was out ‘all day’. Either way the OP feels like she’s not getting much time with her daughter. It’s fair enough to want that, childcare issues or not.

Bosca · 18/11/2023 11:46

Well, talk to her? I think the fact that you’re staying for two months changes things somewhat. Presumably the daughter feels there will be plenty of time to see her mother over two months of weekends, and it’s coincidence that some invitations clustered in the first ones.

Swipe left for the next trending thread