To feel hurt and taken for granted?

[MarsandVenus]

Have come to visit DD overseas and staying at theirs. She lives with her DP and their toddler DD. I only visit every 1 or 2 years due to distance & cost.

Last Saturday (my first weekend there) they asked if I could look after the toddler for the day as DD was going to an all day hen do & her DP was going to be out all day at a sporting event. I’ve already been lined up to do next Saturday when DD and her DP will be out all day at her bestie’s adult only wedding.

Late last night (Friday) I asked about plans for the weekend. DD replied that she’d be out Saturday afternoon till late at a posh birthday party & DP would be out at another sports event. Had I not asked, I’m not sure when I’d have been told (not asked!) that I was expected to babysit. That’ll make it 3 Saturdays on the bounce.

I feel a bit like Cinderella here, stuck at home with DGD while DD is sipping champagne at glitzy events 3 week’s running. AIBU to find DD’s behaviour inconsiderate & hurtful?

I know I could’ve protested, but I really couldn’t face a row. The hen do & wedding I get is non negotiable as it’s her bestie and I’ve known about that for a few months. However surely if you have family visiting it’s considerate to prioritise your social events & not go to absolutely everything (eg the birthday) - or perhaps ask if your guest could come along too.. or at the very least make alternative childcare arrangements for one or more occasions (her PILs live near & are often happy to do it). My visit has been in the diary for 6 months so I’ve hardly arrived unannounced. I’m feeling taken for granted & hurt. AIBU?

You hardly see your grandchild so enjoy the time together,of course you should babysit, your daughter probably gets very few nights off.

You need to speak to her and tell her you’re not a slave.

And stop being so helpful with housework, you’re making yourself the skivvy and childminder.

i’d also brining my return date closer and going home after 2 weeks.

If you're there for a while, your DD probably just thinks you'll enjoy spending the time with your granddaughter and it's only a couple of Saturdays out of the whole time you are there. I wouldn't look too deeply into it.

Wait - is this an especially extended trip? Or is it 2 months every 1-2 years?
Cos if it’s an average of 8 weeks every 18 months say, that would mean you live with them for 10% of the time!
They’re not going to put their own lives on hold for 2 months (he’s not even your child). And I think it’s a fair - even if wrong - assumption - that you want to babysit.

I can well imagine a thread response to, “I only come one a year, and they’ve organised PIL to babysit whilst thinking I’d go to some rando’s party”.

I think you’re there quite a lot (just infrequently) and they see your visit as “just fitting into daily life” - which I think is less stressful for all. I wouldn’t want to host for two months if I had to change my life around it.

Nothing justifies dd using OP as a skivvy.

or perhaps ask if your guest could come along too.. or at the very least make alternative childcare arrangements for one or more occasions

So you really mean you’d happily have a night off whilst your grandchild goes to her other grandparents? Really?

@wesurecouldstandgladioli “Nothing justifies dd using OP as a skivvy.”

Do they?

If you stay with family for 2 months, it’s normal to pitch in with some cooking and cleaning. Not just normal: good manners.
imagine a thread, “we’ve hosted for 2 months and my mum hasn’t lifted a finger. We’re both working full time, she’s not even cooked a meal in that time.”

Now of course that doesn’t mean she should be hand scrubbing her son in law’s skirt underpants every day.

I don’t know where this scenario lies of the pitching in Vs taking the piss scale, but it doesn’t sound like she’s a skivvy and she’s specifically said she’s happy on that score.

I think the point is that OP is not feeling very welcomed by her DD for just who she is rather than what she can do for her. It would be fine if DD had said there’s plans for special days out with her DM, maybe even time for just the two of them. I’m sure OP is happy to help and bond with DGD but if it was me I would maybe research and suggest some nice days out for everyone, treat them to a trip, meal out, visit somewhere they haven’t been etc so there are good times to focus on each other as well as offering support.

Why shouldn’t OP have a night off? This is her holiday too.

The entitlement from people on this thread is insane, your poor mums.

exactly

And she hadn't even been told she'd be on her own with grandchild until it came up last night.

Not even a "oh would you mind mum looking after x next Saturday as i am doing x and Bob y, then on Sunday Bob will look after baby and we'll go off to that X place you wanted to see"

To me the issue is presuming OP would do it, and not asking.
If the DD had said something before OP came like "Oh my goodness I'm so sorry, I've checked the diaries and it looks like we have things in the first three weekends you are here. Is that ok - I can try and cancel but they are big events - and are you ok to look after DGD ?"

Rather than not even telling her she was going to be babysitting.

You're not being at all unreasonable, OP. Your daughter is self-absorbed. It's not all about her and her expectations are unfair. Her parents in law do 'lots of childcare' so, so must you? Nope. That's not how it works.

I don't doubt that you're feeling hurt and taken for granted. You are being. Speak to your daughter and put her straight. Being a grandparent is about spending time with the grandchild - and it being a special time - not being co-opted in as a de-facto babysitter. Ugh.

Your DD is seeing your visit as an opportunity for free babysitting rather than an opportunity to spend time with you. I can see why your presence seems like a golden opportunity to socialise in the knowledge the DC are with someone who loves them, and she may even think that you enjoy it. However, she is taking you for granted and treating you like her support service rather than a person in your own right. Unfortunately it's not an unusual way for adult DC to treat their parents and many parents seem to think they should accept it for the 'privilege' of seeing their GC and not being totally discarded. However if its not for you (and it wouldn't be for me) you need to speak up and say so. Tell your DD what you've said here, because if you allow yourself to be taken for granted, you will be.

How did it come to be the case that you’re staying for two months? Was that an enthusiastic suggestion from your daughter and her husband?

She also barely sees her daughter, so may like to actually spend some time with her and not merely there for babysitting duties.

Sp they are hosting you for 3 weeks? That sounds very much like they are making the sacrifice and may expect something in return (also thr fact you can spend time with your gradchild) they obviosuly don't get any other babysitting throughout the year so this is a condensed version.

It would be unreasonable of they didn't spend any time with you throughout the rest of the week.

Agreed it would have been nicer if they had kept some time free but then you haven't said if they have organised full day time with you all as a family. You can't have every day or three weeks is too long.

I think you are being a bit oversensitive here - but you feel what you feel and there may be reasons for that that we do not know. I am a grandmother and would have no problem with this, although I would have preferred for this to be set out before the visit. As your family live abroad and you see them so seldom I think it would be best if you said nothing and tried to find the positives and enjoy those.

@5128gap “Your DD is seeing your visit as an opportunity for free babysitting rather than an opportunity to spend time with you.”

This doesn’t read like that to me. The daughter has local and happy to babysit PIL. She doesn’t need a babysitter. 2 of the 3 events she told her mother about months ago, best friend’s hen and wedding. Hardly dates she had an influence over - and her mother about them.

Daughter was rude not to mention this weekend.

But OP has said herself here, that her issue stems from birthday this daughter was even born! She’s triggered by being left out… but most people just would not bring their mother to a friend‘s birthday party. Would totally change the dynamic for her.

Two months makes a massive difference. She should of course ask and not assume, but you're living with them for two months so should be mucking in rather than being treated like a house guest. They work full-time and have lots going on. It will be a strain having someone else in the house for that long so it's good to balance that with some babysitting and helping out with other things (especially if it's a 'free' holiday for you, don't think you say if you're contributing financially). OP has time to herself everyday to be 'on holiday' and I wouldn't expect DD to take time off and treat it like a special event when they've got two months of everyday life to get on with together. If the Saturday thing is bothering you, OP, then raise it in a sensitive positive way about how you'd love to spend a Saturday together just you and her during your stay. It won't hurt to have some groundrules. But I don't think your DD is being spoilt and expecting too much really. She'd think you're there to spend time with the child as much as her and that you'd enjoy it. The school-like feeling of being 'left out' shouldn't really be a factor with your DD and suggests you need to find friends of your own there to socialise with if you're staying there so long.

You're living with them for 60+ days!!

Babysitting for a handful of those surely can't be that much of a chore, regardless of what day of the week it is?

Perhaps you can suggest meeting your DD after work one night and the two of you going to dinner or something in the week, whilst her DH looks after your GC?

You knew you were there for the hen and wedding anyway. If you were staying for one week, they would be taking the piss by putting additional babysitting duties on you; but 2 months?? Surely you all need a bit of your own space during that time?

Thanks for the comments. It’s interesting to see alternative views. Just to say that I’m not spending the whole time in their house. I’m moving to an Airbnb this week for the rest of my stay (pre-arranged) so that they have some space. I contributed financially ahead of the visit & doing jobs /housework for them I see as part & parcel of being their guest and DM/DMIL

Regarding the birthday party, I do already know the birthday girl & some of DD’s other friends who will be there quite well, so tagging along would not be as odd as it might sound. However I accept that sometimes a DD wants to let her hair down without DM in tow!

I think it is good you are moving to the Airbnb for the rest of your trip.

Your 3 weekends with them have been full of babysitting but yanbu to not expect that to be the sole focus of your trip.

Make sure you try and arrange some nice things with your daughter if she is up for it, perhaps leaving your granddaughter with her father.

If that doesn't happen you would not be unreasonable to adjust the length of future visits.

Hopefully after this weekend things will improve.

If she has form for being a bit of an entitled CF then it really isn't a big surprise.