To wonder is it me ? Parents at school

[Startingtofeelratherstretched]

Bit of background! I work part time so share school runs with my dh. Because I only do school run half the time I do sometimes feel a bit "out of it" but whenever I've spoken to the other mums/ dads they are pleasant and we have had nice chats etc. I've swapped numbers with a couple so we can do play dates etc.

One woman has never spoken directly to me, I have tried to speak to her in conversation before but haven't really got anywhere. I guess we are just very different people. I try to be as friendly and approachable as I can, I'm aware my son (and by extension me!) is going to be spending the next few years here so I try to foster good relations.

Anyway, today at drop off she was inviting people to her child's party. We were stood in a circle round the school gates and she quite clearly invited everyone's child there, bar mine. I thought it was odd to do this in front of me and my son (previously for my own child's party I discreetly invite people so as not to make it obvious who was / wasn't invited). At the end of the day though I understand not everyone can go to every party and tbh my son was busy playing and oblivious. We have chatted in the past about how we can't be invited to everything and that's okay. She then started inviting all the mums back to hers after the kids party for drinks. I felt a bit left out again here because quite clearly I am not part of the "in crowd".

My aibu is that this evening we were once again stood waiting and I mentioned to another mum about how I hadn't realised a new child has joined the year with the same name as mine. She overheard this and said " ah yes the other X is invited to our party". I didn't really know what to say to that so I just smiled and then fortunately the kids started coming out so I was quite literally saved by the bell. Am I totally overthinking this or is she just plain rude? Or am I being oversensitive?

It all sounds fine up until what she said this afternoon, that bit is very odd.

I'd just assume that she struggles socially and leave it there. Continue to be polite and focus on the other parents who you are building relationships with.

It’s not you. She’s nuts.

I guess this mornings thing bothered me because I am hyper aware that a lot of the kids socialising comes from the mums (it seems at our school at least!). I don't know why the mums all meeting up without me bothered me so much, I have my own lovely friends. I just felt like I was back at high school !

Kids socialising does often come from the parents at this age, but you need to forge your own relationships with the parents of your kids friends. She's doing what she needs to from friendships for her child, you do that for yours.

I’ve started to notice some women are really really sensitive on the school run, and take everything as an attack on them, it must be exhausting.

Oh gawd. Classic primary school gates behaviour where it feels like being at school yourself. I made some good friends via primary school mums crowd, but also had plenty of WTF moments like this. I was so relieved when secondary school didn't involve anything like this.....what you're experiencing is normal but also shite and rubbish

Weird and rude. Steer clear of her

@Janeandme ha! Probably right, I am giving this too much thought. I do find it incredibly rude to invite everyone present bar one person though, not a personal "attack" but at best socially oblivious.

@NuffSaidSam yes good point. I have managed to get chatting with the mums and dads of a couple of little boys my son mentions a lot. Think I just need to focus on the fact he seems happy and go with his lead on friendships.

@GrannypantsMagee yes nail on the head. Felt like when you don't get picked at school for a team. Gave myself a good talking to in the car before i went to work.

Is she doing it because you didn't invite her child before?

@Firefly1987 we invited her child but she messaged the day of the party to say he was poorly. I messaged back to say these things happen, i understood, hope he was better soon etc. I also brought in his party bag and some cake to the next school day etc so no hard feelings.

She was definitely rude. I can only speak from personal experience but my son's school have a class app and a separate WhatsApp group. I put a message on the group today to say I was taking DS to local soft play after school if anyone wanted to join. It was last minute but a few other mums were able to come and it was lovely. There's been a few other play dates organised this way and no one is excluded. So far I've not had any bad experiences but I'm aware that it's still early days as he's only just started reception. I hate the really cliquey groups and would personally try to stay out of the drama, especially if your son isn't particularly close with other mum's DC. And make a point of not inviting her to future play dates/parties if she's going to be so rude!

@PrudeyTwoShoes yes that was what our nursery was like, everyone was invited and you just went if you fancied it / were available. I've no idea if this class has a WhatsApp, no one has ever mentioned it to me so I'd assume not 🤷‍♀️ I'm not interested in cliques either! The thing is this woman seems friendly with most of the other mums and as she is quite a loud character I do feel a little intimidated.

God I sound pathetic 🙈 I'm actually very successful and confident in my professional field but clearly I go to pot in the school playground.

@Startingtofeelratherstretched how odd then! Do you think she has a grudge against you for some reason?

You are missing nothing there OP. She sounds like a right piece of work.
Enjoy your time at your job with your professional colleagues - much more interesting to be around.

The school run brings out this crippling paranoia in women who should know better. I find it exhausting and depressing how much of people's energy this seems to drain from people's lives.

No one is deliberately discriminating against your child. Some mums know one another better than they know you. This is almost certainly an accident, rather than a conspiracy. They may have known each other for years. People are busy and tired and usually take the path of least resistance as opposed to trying to centre their entire social lives around the school gate. They may happen to know certain kids better because they were at nursery with their kids. The reasons why this happens are random and serendipitous. It's nothing to do with you or your child or "cliques" or the way you speak to people at the school gates.

If you're reasonably pleasant to people and your child interacts normally with other kids those friendship networks will form themselves. But if you overthink it as you are doing you will not only drive yourself mad, you will pass this onto your kids. I don't mean to sound blunt, but no one owes you a friendship because your kids are in the same class and you will do yourself and your children a big favour if you learn this.

@Firefly1987 I have no idea. I can't think why she would have a grudge against me. The only time she has ever spoken to me (kind of) was when I had my LO with me and she made a nice comment to them. I have tried to be smiley and friendly in conversation amongst the group.

@Mariposista yes I have some lovely friends so I will just put this out of my mind and focus on that. Will go with who my son says he wants to be friends with in the future and just steer from his lead. The laugh of it is I really don't have an issue with not being invited to the party, I don't think our children are great friends, but the way it was today I just found so odd!

@Thepeopleversuswork you don't sound blunt at all and I completely agree with what you're saying. I am overthinking and I will be putting it out of my mind. Don't feel at all owed a friendship, just found the lacking in social manners so bizarre and for a moment like I was back in school.

Anyway, won't dwell on it anymore :-) my son is happy and that's all that matters.

It is possible to be outgoing and an extrovert but also be very unaware of social norms and rude. In my experience, most people who do things like this are just awkward people you wouldn’t want to be friends with anyway.

It's one of those 'two things can be true' situations: yes it's not nice to feel left out (we're humans, and we have feelings even when we're grown women!) but no, she's not obliged to be friendly.
I think you're right to try and forge relationships with some other parents and don't be derailed from doing so just because of this mum.

The other mum’s behaviour in your last paragraph was very rude

She was rude.
But do remember some have been there forever so know loads, they are probably not friends though. I have a yr6 and Yr r so prob look popular but this is my 8th Yr as another just left.

In the words of a character from a favourite tv programme of mine (approximately anyway): She's not thinking about you the way you are thinking about you.

I understand your feelings, but I expect if you were the one handing out the invites to a group of your friends, you'd probably barely notice or think about the one person hovering whose child hadn't been invited. Or if you did, you wouldn't be aware of how they interpreted the situation. She was likely more keen to get her invites out than to check no univited child's family was within hearing. Yes, maybe she could have been more sensitive, but many people aren't.

I wouldn't read anything into it. If you like her, talk to her in future, if you're not bothered, don't. When my kids were in primary I made a conscious decision to have the parties/ children/ numbers my children and I wanted, not to worry about the rest of the class. We mainly invited about half the class, depending on what type of party it was. The exception was when my youngest child had a swimming party in year 6, and we let her invite most of the class to make up the numbers- think the limit might have been 25, with 30 or so in the class. It meant some kids came who were not her friends (and her two best friends couldn't) - I did feel a bit bad that time re the 2 or 3 who didn't get invited, but it didn't mean I had anything against them or their parents; I would have let them come if there had been space for them.

I hear you. It's like a popularity contest at times being a mum in the school playground...and I never got the hang on those 😆

One woman on the school run doesn't seem to like me, she didn't invite DD to her kids party and I've invited her DD to mines and she hasn't replied! She speaks to everyone else but me. No one idea what I've done to offend her.
You can't win em all OP. Some people you just don't click with, it's the same for all of us.
Don't let it worry you. You don't have to be everyone's mate.
You'll make your own friends it doesn't have to be within the school gates.