To wonder is it me ? Parents at school

[Startingtofeelratherstretched]

Bit of background! I work part time so share school runs with my dh. Because I only do school run half the time I do sometimes feel a bit "out of it" but whenever I've spoken to the other mums/ dads they are pleasant and we have had nice chats etc. I've swapped numbers with a couple so we can do play dates etc.

One woman has never spoken directly to me, I have tried to speak to her in conversation before but haven't really got anywhere. I guess we are just very different people. I try to be as friendly and approachable as I can, I'm aware my son (and by extension me!) is going to be spending the next few years here so I try to foster good relations.

Anyway, today at drop off she was inviting people to her child's party. We were stood in a circle round the school gates and she quite clearly invited everyone's child there, bar mine. I thought it was odd to do this in front of me and my son (previously for my own child's party I discreetly invite people so as not to make it obvious who was / wasn't invited). At the end of the day though I understand not everyone can go to every party and tbh my son was busy playing and oblivious. We have chatted in the past about how we can't be invited to everything and that's okay. She then started inviting all the mums back to hers after the kids party for drinks. I felt a bit left out again here because quite clearly I am not part of the "in crowd".

My aibu is that this evening we were once again stood waiting and I mentioned to another mum about how I hadn't realised a new child has joined the year with the same name as mine. She overheard this and said " ah yes the other X is invited to our party". I didn't really know what to say to that so I just smiled and then fortunately the kids started coming out so I was quite literally saved by the bell. Am I totally overthinking this or is she just plain rude? Or am I being oversensitive?

No it was the same mum, read it again. She overheard OP talking to a different mum

Yes I know. Her behaviour as described in that paragraph was rude

This. It's part and parcel of the school gates...there's always some territorial arsehole who makes a point of leaving someone out.
It's not you.

It's weird, I have had it with my ds where there is a group of mums who knew each other pre school and they are definitely in a click which means mine doesn't get invited to play dates etc which I find hard as it's not his fault. Not much can do about it and just hope as they get a bit older it will get easier. Unfortunately the same group have younger ones who will be in my younger ds year 🙈. All the mums are nice enough and chat to me just know it goes no further than that.

I think its the luck of the draw as to which sort of parents you get. Some year groups are awful, a core of bitchy mums that revel in the clique, that ultimately falls apart when they all fall out!

I guess you have to ask yourself if you actually want to be friends with other school mums. Is that important or just something you think should happen?

DS goes to wrap around care four days a week at the moment so we only have one 'normal' pick up a week. Sometimes I get chance to chat to other parents, sometimes I don't.
We've become quite friendly with one mum and dad but that's because we've bumped into them out in the pub a few times. It's not something that can be forced.

She sounds like a queen bee type, marking her territory. My guess is that she has decided, for whatever reason, that you don't belong in her circle.

I agree with the "she's not obliged to be your friend" but it sounds beyond that. There are many popular, charismatic people who are perfectly nice and polite whilst maintaining a boundary. Then there are the Queen bees who make sure you know you "don't belong" because maintaining and controlling their clique is important to maintaining their social position.

I may be too sensitive to this sort of thing but it's happened to me a lot. I'm shy and a bit socially awkward and I've found the bees quickly recognise me as someone they don't want in their group and they have to signal that clearly to me and others around me. It stung at first but I learnt not to care. I want even interested in being in a clique. It would just have been nice to exchange some pleasantries whilst waiting in the playground rather than just hanging around like a limp dick, but hey ho.

Conversely one of the loveliest and most popular mums was lovely and chatty to absolutely everyone and made me feel welcome. I was never going to be "best friends " with her but knowing if I spotted her she'd give me a warm smile and hello just made the pick up/drop off that little bit nicer. I used to think we should all try and "be more Dorothy".

Anyway OP, you are right, once at secondary school all this shit falls away, hurrah!

School gate friendships can be tricky for several reasons. One of mine had behavioural issues in primary and I preferred to chat to parents of children of the opposite sex who weren't expecting their child to be friends with mine and knew less of the difficulties my child caused. I often felt uncomfortable around the other parents - one in particular became a potential good friend but that went to pot when her child refused to play with mine or come to playdates etc. Probably I was too sensitive but I found that profoundly embarrassing so dropped the adult friendship.