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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my son with tummy upset to be able to go to the loo in school?

56 replies

windygalestoday · 12/03/2008 08:36

in short ....ds1 ds2 both have tummy upset ds1 is bad enough not to be at school ds2 chooses to go to school...after lunch he gets bad tummy cramp(hes 12 btw) and realises he needs the loo ,he raises hand and asks to go .....NO says the teacher you should have gone at lunch (hes never asked to leave room b4 for loo all term) realising hes going to to need to go ,he leaves the room saying i have to go miss ....goes to loo returns to class feeling shakey and a bit embarassed (tmi but smelly stools) the teacher immediately yells at him in front of class he says 'miss with all respect i needed to go i couldnt wait' this she informs him will get you in big trouble (it was an art lesson and no science experiment or maths problems were being explained) son leaves it unwilling to divulge to whole class why he had left the room ,at the end of the lesson he approaches teacher to explain and is told he cannot undo his 'wrongdoing' but miss he says needing the toilet isnt something i can help .......well later that afternoon about tea time i get a call from senior staff saying about this episode ....im appalled (and i told her this) that a teacher who is being paid a salary the same as you had you fone me up bcos my son went to the loo ,this happened in her lesson and its her problem to resolve,had she listened to him she would know and your time wouldnt be wasted foning me .....

i know she wasnt to know he was ill when he asked could he go, but can it wait or go now and see me when u come back surely would have sufficed?

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 12/03/2008 10:40

If you, as an adult at work neded to go to the loo and your boss said no, wouldn't you still go if you had to?

I would. It's not up to someone else to dictate when your bowel needs to move.

MaryAnnSingleton · 12/03/2008 10:51

shouldn't go to school with tummy bug

mumeeee · 12/03/2008 11:03

He should not have been at school with a tummy bug. The teacher would not have known he had an upset tummy.

sleepycat · 12/03/2008 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VictorianSqualor · 12/03/2008 11:09

My DD complained to the school that she had a bit of a tummyache the other day, I had to go and pick her up and keep her home for 24 hours, she didn't even vomit or have diaorhea but that sort of thing spreads round a school like wildfire and her class had been having it.

Your son shouldn't have been in school if he was not well enough to hold it.

Hulababy · 12/03/2008 11:09

My DD is off school today due to the tunny bug. She actually doesn't seem very poorly at all, but she was ill last night so shouldn't be there IMO.

I am off work with a tummy bug. It is lasting far longer for me. i went to a course yesterday as was feeling better, but half way through day began to feel dreadful again so came home. Feeling very dodgy today again, so I have stayed home and will not go in tomorrow either.

Not fair on others if you pass it on, esp this close to a school holiday when many might be going away.

Many schools have policies re time off - 24 or 48 hours off after last bout of D or V.

TotalChaos · 12/03/2008 11:10

If a child isn't a known skiver, surely they should be given benefit of the doubt?

Hulababy · 12/03/2008 11:13

I do think he should have been able to go to the toilet though, and been given the chance to explain in private.

However, I have had sitations in a classroom where these requests can become a nightmare and really disruptive.

For the most part older childen at school should be encouraged to use the toilet at breaktimes and not have to leave the class. This should be encouraged frm primary level, although wih some leniancy from the teacher's part.

This is what the teachers have to do after all - we wouldn't be impressed if they were leaving out cild's class unsupervised would we?

Hulababy · 12/03/2008 11:14

KatieScarlett - as a teacher I wasn't allowed to just leave the classroom to go to the toilet. I know work in a prison and no, I can't just leave prisoners unsupervised to nip to the loo. I have to use the break times built into my day's timetable.

meemar · 12/03/2008 11:15

I think whether or not he should have been at school is a red herring.

The point is that if a child needs the toilet desperately he should be allowed to go.

If the tummy upset had only started at school, people would have been outraged that the teacher didn't let the child go to the loo and quite rightly so.

The teachers behaviour when the boy subsequently tried to explain his desperation for the toilet was also very unsympathetic.

VictorianSqualor · 12/03/2008 11:18

If he is supposedly old enough to know he is ill or not then I think he is old enough to go to the toilet at breaktimes, if he isn't able to hold it then IMO he isn't well enough to be at school.
He is 12 after all, not 6.

WanderingTrolley · 12/03/2008 11:20

12 year olds are very different to 2 years olds, different rules apply imo.

V sensible post by Moomin, explains why permission may not be granted to go to the loo, and she's dead right about stomach bugs being unpredictable.

You can't keep 12year olds off school for every little niggle.

Teacher was a bit unreasonable, imo.

ROSEgarden · 12/03/2008 11:20

as a childminder i DO NOT accept children(of any age) if they have had tummy bug and only 48 hours after last episode will i acccept, the schools(or at least my dd's) is exactly the same(although their policy may be 24 hours?)..i caught said tummy bug of one mindees(whos parents ahdnt botherd to tell me shed had/has it) and had to call everyone next few days as i couldnt work and would have passed it on to the other children.

Your ds sounds wonderful, very polite and adult about things, but like many have said, you DONT send a child into a school with 100's of other children if they have a bug!..that could be several of his class or even his teacher down for a few days.
He sounds sensible but you are the parent and as your other ds is off, i see no reason why this ds shouldnt have had even just the one day at home to see how he was, and he is obv still not well.

But fwiw, i know children take advantage to go to loo and mess around, but i dont think its fair to stop them, i had similar prob with my dd(only 4) a few weeks ago, she almost wet herself, i spoke to teacher and said id told dd to go during breaks / lunchtime, but at the end of the day she ISNT one of these kids who messes about, so if she needs to go..she goes..right!..teacher agreed

lisalisa · 12/03/2008 11:21

Message withdrawn

WanderingTrolley · 12/03/2008 11:27

Rose I'm guessing you also look after young children and toddlers. Stomach bugs different thing with younger children - I've been a childminder and had similar policies. I wouldn't stop a 12 year old who was feeling well enough going to school, but I would be wary of letting him mix with much younger children.

FWIW when I nannied older children it never occurred to me not to go to work if I had a bit of a cold, or felt a bit queasy. Recently, I was looking after a baby who had been very ill, and I couldn't go to work unless I felt 100% well. I think it's a question of perspective.

Original poster
windygalestoday · 12/03/2008 11:29

ty lisa lisa im not irresponsible and have kept them home at times if ive had the slightest doubt ..he WASNT suffering when he went to school and school when they foned never mentioned that he shouldnt be there at all this was a one off and as his tummy is fine now i think it was just a tummy ache followed by loose stools .

when i posed this aibu i perhps didnt explain so well initially - but i hadnt expected quite the mount of criticism i received .... he had been fine all night nd in the morning with ds1 dashing off freuently so i made a decision that was wisest at the time ......tbh tummy upset or not i dont think child should be refused the toilet.

btw the teacher that foned has agreed really the initial teacher should have dealt with it and not refused and then not eported it to senior staff.

OP posts:
ROSEgarden · 12/03/2008 11:29

yes, your right obv an older child can take themselves to toilet and be more aware of hygeine than a baby or toddler in nappy..i would still stick to at least 24hrs tho even for older as the last bug hit us all hard!

ROSEgarden · 12/03/2008 11:30

to the op, did you ring the school and let them know their was a stomach upset in the house and that ds was a bit iffy?..if so they may have been kinder to him?

Original poster
windygalestoday · 12/03/2008 11:34

rose garden yes i did i foned at 8.50 and told them ds1 was off ill and ds was ok to be in school but had had a tummy ache, they said they would fone me if he needed to come home i cant expect them to tell all his subject teachers but i do feel it was wrong to stop ANY child not nown for messing about to go to the loo.......and it ws the bigger fuss afterwards that caused me to do the AIBU

OP posts:
Blu · 12/03/2008 11:35

I agree - tummy upset or not a child should be allowed to go to the toilet, and in that YANBU.

But sorry - I think it could have been anticipated and that as you said he did have a bit of an upset, and could reasonably anticpated that he would be a bit poorly, that you wer BU in sending him to school.

Original poster
windygalestoday · 12/03/2008 11:38

OHHH yes i have to add when ds2 started there was an advice pack sent home that actually said to send children in and THEY would decide if they were well enough to be in school as often sickness and headaches can pass if its caused through nerves ,i ws one of the prents who said i ws capable of deciding for myself if my children were ill or not and wouldnt send them to school ill!!

OP posts:
suedonim · 12/03/2008 12:00

I think the should-he-shouldn't-he be at school is a bit of a red herring. The fact is, a tummy upset can strike at any time. I appreciate that it's disturbing for both teacher and pupils if children are going in and out of class but assuming WGT's ds has been at that school since last September, I would expect the teacher to have known that he wasn't a child who made a habit of nipping out of class.

I suppose I'm quite sympathetic to this because I recall sitting in class, aware my period had started but unable to leave. I was wearing my pale blue summer uniform, too.

ROSEgarden · 12/03/2008 12:04

windygales, then you did what was suggsted by school, you let them know before you sent him in so they DID know and should have let him go..out of order IMO

Hulababy · 12/03/2008 12:07

Parents of older children - PLEASE do stick to the 24 hour rule re tummy bugs. If you don't then your child will pass the bug on to other children and to staff, who will then end p being off school/work too. It simply isn't fair on others.

Squirdle · 12/03/2008 12:59

YABU if you knowingly sent DS to school with a tummy bug, especially considering your elder child has had it. But I can understand that he may have felt ok and it was his lunch which triggered it as often happens.

I don't think the teacher did anything especially bad not letting him go as like others have said kids of this age do push the boundries at school and thye need to have rules such as this so they don't all keep disrupting the class. Maybe your son should have gone to her quietly and explained and she would probably have been ok about it.

I actually find it quite irresponsible of your DS school to say send them in if they are unwell and they will decide and that they didn't seem to bat an eyelid when you called and told them he had an upset tummy! This is how these bugs keep constantly flying around!

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