Parties and other halves

[orangeyeahthatsright]

Just feeling frustrated.

For context, DH and I aren't a particularly conventional couple and do loads of things separately, we're not one of those couples who go everywhere together and we're both comfortable with solitude. And I was single for yonks before I met him, so I've done umpteen things alone in the past, and still do, if they're things he's not interested in.

But AIBU for feeling a bit of a lemon turning up to parties alone when we've been invited as a couple, and when people who know us as a couple are there and invariably ask where he is - simply because by his own admission he can't be bothered going?

He does this a lot. Some of these invites come from people we know originally from a hobby group I belong to - but over the years DH has become friends with them too and enjoys seeing them on the rare occasions I can actually get him to come along. There's a party tonight and yet again he's said no. I respect his wishes, but AIBU to just be inwardly feeling a bit sick of turning up to parties alone and feeling like a lemon having to make DH's excuses? He always suggests I make up some convoluted lie excuse or other, but this has been going on so long now that I don't think anyone believes it. I think they just think our marriage isn't in good shape, and feel sorry for me, and it just feels so awkward.

I know he wants to spend this evening reading and I respect that, but he gets plenty of time to read. I love reading myself and we spend a lot of time reading together, but I just feel like can't he sacrifice just one evening of reading to seeing people that like him and are disappointed not to see him? And most of all, having to cook up lies as to why he's not present so no one's feelings get hurt by the truth i.e. he couldn't be bothered? (I'm not paraphrasing BTW, that's the reason he gave me earlier.)

He's not depressed btw, although I know it sounds like it.

I've respected his wishes by not pushing him, but AIBU to privately feel a bit fed up?

how many parties do you go to for this to be a real issue? genuine question?

i am single parent and rock up alone and love the freedom

You shouldn’t have started lying. I would just be honest and say he’s an introvert and when he’s had a tough week he’d rather stay home-he looks forward to catching up with you soon though

For context, DH and I aren't a particularly conventional couple and do loads of things separately,

loads and loads and loads of couples “do loads of things separately”

I know that. I made that point to be clear it wasn't a case of me feeling incapable of socialising without him.

so my point is…. it is not “unconventional” so there will also be others at the party alone. and expected to be given the divorce rate and cost of babysitters!

Why does there need to be an elaborate excuse/lie? Just tell these people he doesn't like parties. He doesn't, you do, so it's one of the things you do separately. It's really not that hard to explain or understand.

Parties a few times a year, but the same issue tends to crop up with informal social opportunities every few months or so.

cook up lies?

why not just “DH not big in to parties so i’m flying solo”

I sometimes feel like this too, especially when all the other +1s are there. I usually blame work (which is generally true) but I think mainly people are just used to it now. It helps we have a number of single friends too so I don't stand out particularly

don’t lie because what happens if they bump in to him and mention.

and also just… don’t lie

Not so much in the circle of people I'm talking about. People tend to accompany their spouses.

I agree with above poster to not lie and just say he’s an introvert and wants some time out. However I also think it can be useful to have a conversation where you can tell him you accept he doesn’t want to go to stuff with you, however you’d really appreciate sometimes him putting his own wishes aside and coming with u, just because you’d really appreciate him being there.

My husband would never miss an excuse for a party but I know loads of couples like you and your husband. The husband is less social and gives most things a miss despite also being our friend. Its honestly never crossed my mind that these marriages might be in trouble because the husband doesn't attend many parties, I mostly just think they're more introverted/busy/tired.

My DP is an introvert and doesn't enjoy parties and I'd rather go alone and have a dance tbh than standing at the edge when him and worrying if he's enjoying himself all night.
Nobody thinks it's weird.
You making up lies about it is weird.
If you'd rather have a partner who does enjoy going to parties however, that's another matter.

And I agree lying's not a good way to go, but it's very difficult to be honest about the fact that someone just can't be bothered without worrying about causing hurt feelings.

I don't think there's a reason to feel like a lemon. In my circle some people habitually turn up with partners and some don't and no one judges either way. Just say something vague about "sends his love but tired from a long week", don't lie!

You've never told a white lie to spare someone's feelings?

Can he let them know and thereby make his own reason be known?
I would just say - you'll have to ask him!! Or he's not big on parties I'm afraid!

(I would probably be annoyed if he made a habit of saying yes and bailing at the last minute - obviously that is fine once in a while - or if he bailed on things like birthday celebrations that meant something to the inviter. But informal drinks down the pub, you get to opt out whenever you want imo)

but why would someone be hurt, a grown assed adult, if you said “DH really not in to parties, any parties! But i am, and here i am and looking forward to it. how are you?”

I guess since he's the one not going it's really his problem. Unless you want him to go for yourself I don't see why you are feeling responsible. I guess part of your decision making about going must include if you feel comfortable going alone abd having to make his excuses for him!

I can relate to this as my DP is also very introverted.

While I understand the need for you to accommodate his wishes by not asking him to go to parties all the time, I do think it needs pointed out that sometimes he will need to compromise too, and go along because it is something that is important to you. Your needs are as important as his in the relationship.

My DP will accompany me on a night out with my friends around Christmas usually, and the rest of the year is happy to be my taxi at the end of the night. But if I wanted him to come to more events, he would, because I wouldn't be asking it off him all the time.

are you quite young and all child free generally?

No, the opposite - we're middle-aged, mostly with grown kids, DH and I have no kids.

Yes, pretty much the same story here. Glad it's not just me!