To think it is not possible to understand what it's like to have children unless you have them

[Goldenray]

I am in the process of separating from my husband. It is fairly amicable thank goodness.

Our two dc both have SN. Our ds did not sleep through the night until he was 6 years old. I was up with him every night and usually got between 1 - 3 hours sleep. After which he needed so much attention/ guidance and help. He was diagnosed on the autistic spectrum at the age of 4. I spent a lot of time and energy on getting his EHCP and he now has his EHCP and is in a specialist school.

My other dc has SN, suspected ADHD, and has needed a lot of time/ attention/ energy.

When my ds was a baby, I asked my dh if he could organise his work days so I could go back to work. He refused, saying it wasn't possible. I begged him to do so, as I was really struggling being at home full time. He said that he couldn't cope with sharing the child care and being up at night and also working (I was proposing that we both shared work and child care). I was upset, but gave in, and became a SAHM for 10 years.

Now I'm working but not earning as much as my DH by any means. We are now separating.

Speaking to friends, I have three who have all said "You're lucky he's sharing his money with you" "You're lucky he's sharing his pension" and once when I went out for a meal with her when the children were young "Who's paying for this - your DH?"

The three I have mentioned above do not have children. The ones I have spoken to about me and DH separating, who do have children - the subject of money does not seem to come up. I feel upset and angry and like the friends who don't have dc think I am taking advantage of my DH somehow - but how can I explain the situation? Unless you have DC with special needs, a stubborn DH who won't compromise, no family help and no extra money to pay for help - how can anyone understand what it was like. I get the feeling that they think I was relaxing at home whilst poor dh was slogging away at work.

YABU for thinking you owe them an explanation at all. I'd just not talk about the separation/financial settlement at all and any bitchy comments I'd just say "it's none of your business whose paying for this actually" and then rethink the friendship.

But....YADNBU in that no one without kids can understand what it's like to have them (foster carers without their own children excepted). Just like as a parent i can't comprehend being the parent of a disabled/SEN child. I know its hard, but how hard I can't imagine or understand, if you see what I mean.

Also just to add - my DH did and does nothing re housework/ garden/ school admin/ social activities/ Christmas, birthdays etc

As far as im concerned, looking after small kids (even without SEN) is a full time job in itself. Don't think yoj need to justify yourself to them, you don't.

I'm so sorry your friends are assholes. My friends without kids wouldn't say such nonsense.

YANBU and I don't have children!

Your friends attitude to money is really weird, it’s family money not your DH’s money to ‘share’

Your friends are dickheads.

I don't need to be a car to know there's one broken down on a motorway somewhere right now. And I don't need to be sitting in a broken down car on a motorway to know how cold and miserable and worrying that would be.

Your friends have no empathy. I'm not sure they're really friends. Divorce and bereavement often show you who your true friends are.

Your friends are a*holes if they can't see that what you contributed to the household is worth just as much as what DH put in.

I don't think this is typical. I had an easier ride with poorly then I guess disabled DC, a decent husband etc. but even with that my child free friends would never have been the way yours are.

Perhaps you did such a good job of hiding how hard it is? Perhaps they only saw outer you - the one who knows you have to suck it up and push through, rather than broken you, gathering the fragments together and leaving shards of yourself behind.

If you want them to be in your life, I'd be frank with them. If they pass comment tell them you didn't work because you got a few hours of sleep a day and spent every waking moment on red alert. That the money he shared he only earned because you didn't insist he did anything practical. That life as a single parent to two complex kids and a shit Dad is hard and you need their love and support.

You don't have to have children to value the work that a SAHM does. I find it hard to understand what it is like to have children with SN, but I try to listen

Thank you all - I appreciate your comments. I honestly think that until you have dc (especially with SN), or at least have empathy and try to understand what it is like, it is very easy to be judgmental!

I do think that being a parent makes it easier to understand shared family finances. It sounds like you have had a really tough ten years and no good friend would ask you anything about money or query you buying yourself lunch.

YANBU that they can't fully understand, but YABU if you think that justifies their comments. I can't imagine looking after a child with SEN but I trust the testimonies of others about how hard it is. You don't need to have lived it yourself to believe a friend or to be sympathetic or understanding or just to not be an areshole! Are they very good friends in other ways? Because this doesn't sound great at all.

Hey there. I read your post with interest. I hope you're ok. I only have one DD (4 years old, suspected ADHD). Relationship with DH is on its last legs. Actually, I would love to do a study to see what percentage of relationships survive having children with special needs. There must be some sort of statistics.

Anyway... back to your post. It's f**ing hard. I found maternity leave horrendous. I looked forward to going back to work. But being back at work and juggling DD who was at nursery but absolutely full on and kicking off the rest of the time, and a job that was super stressful, I almost lost my mind. I'm only starting to have a little bit of balance now when she is at school and I only work 0.6 FTE.

DH, to be fair, is a great father and he does so much. He has a very stressful job, long hours, but as soon as he sets foot through the door he plays with DD, reads to her, puts her to bed. Only after she's in bed he goes to have his dinner (which he cooks or orders because I don't have time to cook for him).

The problem is we don't have time for each other. We're always chasing our tails. We're so fucking exhausted. No
intimacy to speak of. And so we've recently been through a very rough patch and almost separated.

I just wanted to say... your friends are idiots for talking about money. They have no idea what women sacrifice professionally by having children. Gender inequality is real!!

Your post made me so angry.

Please look after yourself. It's probably a good thing you're separating. Your partner doesnt sound like he's pulling his weight. You'll probably have less on your plate without him..

x

I think you're right, before I had children I definitely didn't appreciate how hard it can be, especially with a lazy selfish partner. No SN here but I think having experienced a non sleeping baby I can imagine that going on for years.... Going to work would be by far the easier option

You’re being unreasonable. Your friends are idiots. It is unrelated to their parent/non-parent status.

once when I went out for a meal with her when the children were young "Who's paying for this - your DH?"

What a cow.

Yes, you can't know what it's like to have children if you don't have them. Most people at least try to have some empathy and understanding of their friend's situations though, whatever it is (whether child related or not), even if they don't have personal experience.

I don't have kids

Your friends are twats

YANBU

Get new friends

I'm sorry.

I think yabu only because your situation is quite unusual and exceptionally difficult physically, and more importantly, emotionally, so few of us, parents or not, can fully appreciate it.
But yabu to say anyone without kids cannot understand

Yabu. It just sounds like you don't have very bright friends.

Do you normally make sweeping generalisations based in your dense mates?

God there's no wonder you're separating from your dh he sounds like a total tool! Your friends are idiots thats all there is too it. I wish you the best for your future.

@Sandrine1982 thank you. Yes, I think you're right - I am sure that I've read somewhere that marriages where there are dc with sn have a higher divorce rate. 😔

I'm so sorry that things are hard for you too. I cannot imagine working at a stressful job and also managing your dd's challenging behaviours (not at all her fault but due to SN as we know).

That's really good that your DH is a great dad, but I totally relate to being exhausted and having no time at all for each other, let alone intimacy. Although i just wanted to mention - things got a lot easier for us as the dc got older - probably from 8 years old onwards. So there is hope. For DH and I, things haven't worked out for various reasons, but hopefully, you and your DH may be able to salvage things, if you still love each other and work well as a team. It's so bloody difficult though. Thinking of you x

But you do have children and you're being judgemental by saying everyone without children lacks empathy and is judgemental, so it's obviously not parental status that causes people to be judgemental or not.

Except that this comment has nothing whatsoever to do with being a parent?

I'm sorry. I realised I probably phrased it wrong. I should have used something like "AIBU to be disappointed by my friends' reactions" or something similar.