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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not bail husband out

41 replies

laylasayla · 16/11/2023 20:51

Husband is horrible with money. Has adhd and struggles greatly with managing finances and budgeting. For this reason I manage all household bills - he sends me a set amount and everything else is separate. He is in charge of paying his own car and phone bill. I have tried many things to help him budget but he is constantly in a hole of debt. In the past I have taken out interest free credit cards to balance transfer debts for him and instead of cancelling his own credit cards he just maxed them again resulting in doubling his debt as he then owed me the money for the balance transfers and the same again on his cards. After this I kind of washed my hands of trying to sort his financial messes. But he is constantly borrowing money from me here and there, not huge amounts but enough and occasionally he has missed paying me for his share of the house/bills etc. Often this is to pay his phone bill because it's been cut off. I confronted him tonight about money he had borrowed to buy workwear for a new job. The workwear didn't materialise and now he has told me he has been getting threatening letters about his car being repossessed. I honestly feel quite detached about it and feel this is not my problem to sort. He blew up at me for questioning him on it but Im putting this down to him feeling a lot of pressure. AIBU to not jump in and help? As his wife should I be taking on half of the burden? I just feel at the end of my tether and that trying to help with finances never actually works or solves the problem! He has stormed out of the house with a bag and this is another thing I can't tolerate is the extreme blowing up when I feel he is in the wrong by being dishonest about reasons for borrowing money.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 16/11/2023 20:53

Why if he’s struggling are you setting him up to fail by paying such important bills without support

Tohaveandtohold · 16/11/2023 20:57

Yanbu, do not bail him out. If he can’t manage paying for his car then maybe repossessing it is the best thing here. Before it gets to repossessing, he would have missed at least 3 payments. He can buy a cheap run around.
If you bail him out, he will do it again and again. You need to protect yourself here

laylasayla · 16/11/2023 20:59

@Pumpkinpie1 sorry I do not understand your comment. Setting him up to fail by paying what important bills? If you're referring to his car and phone bill he pays these as they are in his name and as much as I have tried to take control of everything financially I am not his keeper and did not take out his car loan or his phone contract so have absolutely no control over those. Absolutely everything else of consequence to do with the house is in my name.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 16/11/2023 20:59

Pumpkinpie1 · 16/11/2023 20:53

Why if he’s struggling are you setting him up to fail by paying such important bills without support

His own phone bill? It’s her fault a man with a job can’t pay his own phone and car bills? Jog on.

Id do as you are op but I’d also want to ask a lawyer, if your dh was many thousands of pounds in debt and you divorced him is the debt shared? Would he get more of the house? If so and he isn’t now I’d think seriously about leaving asap before that happens. It’s not like he thinks he has a huge problem to fix and you are a saint for putting up with him based on how he stormed out of the house.

AdoraBell · 16/11/2023 21:02

Tell him he’s putting you under pressure with the way he’s spending money. Then stop lending him money or reminding him about things.

Redkite11 · 16/11/2023 21:02

His bad temper might be due to the stress he feels (although still unacceptable). Is he a big spender? What is he spending it on?

Do you think he has a spending addiction? You can get help for that (therapy for compulsive buying disorder).

you should not have to bail him out. He needs to pull himself together.

DelilahsHaven · 16/11/2023 21:03

I can understand your frustration, but struggling to manage money is a common problem for ADHD sufferers, as is blowing up under pressure. Whilst he is a grown adult, he does have a disability.

Could you sit down with him when he's calmed down and see if you can help him - perhaps he can contact the car people and explain his disability and ask for extra time to get it sorted?

You might need to make different financial arrangements going forward, could his wages be paid into a joint account, you sort all the bills and he gets an allowance for example? It puts it in you, but might releive some anxiety and bad feeling for you both.

You both have my sympathy, ADHD can cause all sorts of problems on everyday life.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 16/11/2023 21:04

Exactly the same boat op. I lend dh less than 50 quid but never more. Same position as you entirely.. We have had separate finances for 10 years - when we got married I knew they would stay that way..

DelilahsHaven · 16/11/2023 21:07

@Codlingmoths It's not her fault at all, but he has a disability that makes managing thus extremely hard for him.

Pumpkinpie1 · 16/11/2023 21:09

Her husband has a disability that affects his ability to manage money etc. Yes he’s a grown man, but a man who needs help .
Risking having something as important as a car to be repossessed knowing he struggles seems strange to me.

Teapot32 · 16/11/2023 21:11

DelilahsHaven · 16/11/2023 21:03

I can understand your frustration, but struggling to manage money is a common problem for ADHD sufferers, as is blowing up under pressure. Whilst he is a grown adult, he does have a disability.

Could you sit down with him when he's calmed down and see if you can help him - perhaps he can contact the car people and explain his disability and ask for extra time to get it sorted?

You might need to make different financial arrangements going forward, could his wages be paid into a joint account, you sort all the bills and he gets an allowance for example? It puts it in you, but might releive some anxiety and bad feeling for you both.

You both have my sympathy, ADHD can cause all sorts of problems on everyday life.

I have ADHD and have the same struggles with money. I’m either obsessively saving every penny (less common) or struggling to manage incoming as impulsive spending takes over especially when it’s off the back of a dopamine high.

I manage by money for bills on a spreadsheet but it doesn’t always work. I would rather let DH have control of my money and just send me an allowance in an ideal world as it’s a lot of stress but I’m trying really hard to be on top of it.

I wouldn’t be too hard on him as it’s not as simple as him just being shit with money. I know the struggle. I have CBT once a week and some of the behaviours we have started to target are around money and it’s really helping. Has he tried anything like this?

sorry for all the spelling errors but I cba to correct them all ☺️

LlynTegid · 16/11/2023 21:15

I wonder if there is some secret spending, gambling comes to mind as a possibility.

I think that you should stop, as only having consequences for bad managing of money or the addiction if there is one will make him face reality.

laylasayla · 16/11/2023 21:20

Thank you everyone. Some really helpful and productive insights here. I think the problem is that I have tried so hard to be accommodating/make allowances/try to put things in place and nothing helps as he won't relinquish full control of some things as I think it probably feels a bit emasculating to him. I also really struggle with the dishonesty and little lies around money. Ie I need to borrow money for x,y,z but actually it's for something else. But I know this comes from a place of shame. I will take a step back and reevaluate once he has calmed down.

@Teapot32 thank you, it's really useful to have your insight. My husband hasn't had any cbt only medication. He has a psychiatrist appointment next week so it may be something worth enquiring about

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/11/2023 21:22

Gosh. I recognise something of myself in him, as I am very bad with money if I follow my natural instincts. I suspect i have ADHD (my son has diagnosed ADHD and his traits are a lot like me).

But I have to rein myself in because I’m an adult, and a single parent. I don’t have a spouse to use as an endless resource to bail myself out.

Yes he has additional difficulties with money but it doesn’t mean he can’t try to do something about it, or that he can blow up at you.

category12 · 16/11/2023 21:23

Would he agree to stop using credit at all and just have a basic bank account and possibly a pre-paid card instead?

Maybe let the car be repossessed and replace with a cheap runabout. Include his phone bill in the household outgoings?

I don't think it should all fall to you to sort out, but I guess if he's ADHD he may just not be able to regulate. Is he taking medication/doing what he needs to do to try to manage his ADHD?

DelilahsHaven · 16/11/2023 21:31

@laylasayla you sound like a great wife and very supportive of your husband. Its quite an insidious disability, and I'm sure your husband feels frustrated with himself. It's totally understandable that you feel frustrated in this situation.

I recommend, if you haven't seen it already, Additude online magazine/website and How To ADHD on YouTube.

If he can be persuaded, your husband might feel more empowered if he does some research, and as the other poster says, seeks some CBT or other therapy.

You look after you too!

LookingForPurpose · 16/11/2023 21:34

Honestly I would tell him to stay wherever he is with his bag and look at separating permanently. Do you even realise that being married he is likely financially linked to you? So his awful credit is possibly impacting yours. This would be a deal breaker for me.

HamBone · 16/11/2023 21:40

This might be overkill, but would it be worth him speaking to a charity like StepChange?

Im just wondering whether getting impartial advice from a third party, I.e., not someone who has to live with the consequences of his poor money management, might be easier for you both.

Yes, you can support him to keep on top of his bills, but it sounds as if he’s not fully accepting what needs to be done. An impartial third party might be able to help with that.

Nicole1111 · 16/11/2023 21:49

It sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond to support him around finances and it’s time for you to stop. He’s unlikely to be motivated to make lasting changes if he’s always got a get out of jail free card.

1212testing · 16/11/2023 21:55

I feel your pain op! I’ve had similar struggles with my DH. I only found out about his debts when we went to get a mortgage and he couldn’t hid it anymore.

We sat down and wrote everything he owed down and calculated it all up. He then got a debt consolidation loan which helped a lot. The credit cards are gone and now he makes monthly fixed repayments for the loan. My DH is currently going through a ADHD diagnosis. He has always struggled with money but he has said seeing it on paper and managing his debt this way feels less chaotic and easier to manage now.

Maybe something like this might help to start tackling his debts.

muchalover · 16/11/2023 21:56

All my adult kids have ADHD. It's not because he has ADHD. He's just bad with money and ADHD is being blamed.

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/11/2023 21:58

Emasculating?????

Does he have a disability or not?

He is wrecking the home with his out of control spending and paying his bills.

Stop being so nice to him and either he pays all his money to you for you to manage OR you LTB.

These problems he creates are impacting you and that is just not on. Tell him to grow up.

C1N1C · 16/11/2023 21:58

You need some tough love here. Sure he's a man and shouldn't be treated like a baby, but some people really don't 'get it'.

Make him sit down with you and write out all his debts, assets and upcoming outgoings and work out a plan with him. Tell him you want visibility of his wages and every pound he spends so you can work out where the the money is going and what could be saved.

Sorry, it really does need to be this brutal. If he says no, then you have some decisions to make... people liek this will keep going. It's like gambling. One day you'll wake up with people banging on your door.

EstEstEst · 16/11/2023 22:05

It isn’t difficult for him to have a direct debit set up to pay his car and his phone. This has happened time and time again OP, I couldn’t be with someone who constantly put us under financial pressure. This won’t get better so you have a decision to make, either stay and put up with continually being put into a shit financial situation or leave.

He has stormed out of the house with a bag and this is another thing I can't tolerate is the extreme blowing up when I feel he is in the wrong by being dishonest about reasons for borrowing money.

I wouldn’t be putting up with this shit either, as far as I would be concerned he could stay away. He’s caused you nothing but stress over and over again, cut him loose.

Spinningroundahelix · 17/05/2024 05:55

I have ADHD. I don't struggle with money. I spend appropriately and have savings and investments. Some of your husband's actions sound like deliberate choices to me.