AIBU husband to prioritise family time?

[Prescotmum]

For context both me (F30) and my husband (M 33) work full time in very high pressured jobs. We have a one year old daughter who is in nursery 3 days a week and she spends two days with her grandparents.

My husband is currently working away from home for 5 days a week. On these 5 days he lives alone and although he works unusual hours he has a large amount of free time to use as he pleases. He goes to the gym, plays football, plays on his PlayStation and meets friends in his free time. I am back in our family home with our daughter, working full time with an hour commute each way to my office. I do pick up and drop off at nursery and grandparents during the week before and after my commute. I have very limited free time right now, 7-9pm in the evening once my daughter is asleep which is usually spent preparing for the next day, household chores and the going bed as I’m up at 5am.

Me and my husband are going round in circles having a repeating argument and we both think the other is being unreasonable.

On the weekends when he is home he chooses to spend his time going to the football match one day and playing Sunday league football the other day (usually followed by the pub). Meaning that we only ever really get family time in the morning or in the afternoon on one of the days. On the weekends where there is no football he has normally scheduled afternoon plans with his friends and their partners, which we will both attend (babysitter dependent) but these are infrequent. I have asked him to choose to either go to the football match or play football not both as we have such limited time together as a family.

I am struggling to understand why, after being away for 5 days, he wouldn’t want to prioritise time with me and our daughter? I feel unappreciated and it’s really hurting my feelings.

This Sunday I have made plans to meet my pregnant best friend for breakfast to see her and pictures of her 12 week scan. I have not seen her since September. My husband refused to cancel on his Sunday league football and he said I was being unreasonable asking him to sacrifice his hobbies on a weekend. I lost my temper and said he hasn’t made any sacrifices to his social life and I just wanted one morning with my friend. His response was that it was my choice to sacrifice all of my hobbies - this made my blood boil as I am unable to pursue my hobbies such as a running club and gym classes because we do not have child care in the evenings whilst he’s away. The conversation ended with me in tears (due to anger), putting the phone down, recomposing myself and going back to into work.

So AIBU to expect him to prioritise spending time with our daughter and me over football/hobbies on a weekend?

And in this most recent argument is it unreasonable to ask him to cancel his participation in a football game so that I can see my friend?

I am genuinely at a loss and would appreciate any advice/perspective

Honestly if it was me and he doesn't change after multiple chances, I would leave. You already are a single mum so what difference would it make?

He is absolutely loving his bachelor life isn't he? Tell him when he gets dd 50/50 that will put a stop to that... Or paying cms will cripple him if he continues working away when you split up.

Get yourself ready early on Sunday morning and go!

Same.

He's either have to share custody and you'd get some free time or you'd be a single parent and perhaps grandparents would help with the odd day a month for your leisure.

Christ, I spend more time with the people who commute on the same train as me than you do your husband.

I'm shocked at this level of selfishness. I mean, he basically does no parenting at all, does he? Why is your shared child somehow only YOUR responsibility? (Because you're a woman, presumably. What a selfish, sexist shit he is.) He should be fucking ashamed of himself.

He is being completely unfair. Tbh if it were me I would prob set an alarm early that morning get up and go to see your friend...

Most men either don't want kids, or are only really interested because society sees it as the thing to do to be a successful man. So they're not going to be that excited about parenting small children.

Hence the huge number of similar threads to this one.

He is a selfish bastard who clearly doesn’t want or expect his life to change in any way. I would advise not having another baby with this man.

I thought of doing this but I’m worried that he will just arrange to drop our daughter off at his mums and still go!

No. This is not on. The weekend is for both of you. Not just your man child.

He is being a shit husband and father. You should have equal leisure time. Perhaps one day a weekend is your activity while he has 1-1 time with the baby

No - if he is away all week, weekends need to be divided up between him giving you a break, and family time. One afternoon for his "hobbies" would be more than acceptable. When do you even see him?

Agree with what everyone else has said and wanted to echo this poster. He jas completely checked out of family life. Tell him you want to separate, it might give a wake up call and may actually save your Marriage. but if nothing changes, leave him, you'll actually get free weekends to see your friends and do a few hobbies

Dh worked away when out were small. He would spend entire weekend with dc taking them swimming or soft play etc making time up for not being there during week. He last did Friday night and Saturday night waking plus got up with them Saturday and Sunday morning.
If you work away then no you can't have stuff outside family on a weekend

Then so be it, but you get your time off

He's taking the piss. He's already checked out and can't be bothered with family. I'd leave him for an argument free life.

He’s not prioritising family time because he doesn’t want to spend time with you both and definitely doesn’t want to facilitate you having some ‘you’ time

that’s it.

thats literally it.

he doesn’t want to spend time with you.

No persuading will work. He’s not interested.

It’s the old ‘if he wanted to, he would’

So you need to think about what you are going to do about that.

Wow. He's a self centred twat.

If course yanbu.

Problem is what's going to happen next... sorry no easy answers to that.

Schedule 'hobbies' for exactly the time he was away last weekend. Leave him with your daughter. He is completely unreasonable and I'd be telling him that equal hobby time and him actually wanting to spend family time with you is a deal (marriage) breaker. And that actually you need more time to yourself than him on the weekend as you get so little during the week.

He gets 5 nights a week free time. let’s say 4 nights x 4 hours. I’m assuming that he spends Friday evening after work travelling home. So that’s his 16 hours a week “ me time “.

At the weekend he needs to take one day to spend with you both as a family day and the other day to spend one on one time with his child while you get a day off.

that’s his day to see his family, catch up on chores and care for his daughter. And your day to spend say 12 hours doing your own thing, whatever that is. Sport, hobbies, seeing friends , sleeping . Your choice.

I suggest you leave the house to do whatever you want to do. Even if that’s lying on the bed at your mates house eating chocolate and watching box sets . It doesn’t have to need his definition of something worthwhile or important.

Even then he’s got more spare time than you.

Well, he’s a bit pointless isn’t he? What does he contribute to this relationship/family beyond money? Naff all. Tell him not to bother coming home at the weekend - you won’t notice any difference.

What an incredibly selfish husband you’ve found yourself with. Personally i’d get it all on paper to show the comparison. Do columns for child free time and record under each day what you both get. The contrast should be stark and it would be interesting to see how he argues in response to seeing it that way

Wow what a prick. He’s a shit husband and a shit dad! I feel so sorry for you. I’d tell
him to prioritise you or you’re leaving.

Wow. He doesn't parent. And he isn't a husband.
You may aswell hang a fckin Premier Inn sign inside your door because it's a weekend hotel for him.
My exh used to prioritise football. I hated it. But even he spent time with dd (and still prioritises her). Me on the other hand, he just saw me as a housemate and there was zero relationship. So I left.

It genuinely pains me when I see football widows. Or any kind of sport widows.
These men don't grow up. They let this one thing lead their life. Hobbies are great but not to the detriment of your own family ESPECIALLY when you don't even see your wife or child until the weekend!

I think the feasible thing would have been for him to make sure that you both get some family time on the weekend AS WELL AS alone time as a couple. The only was I personally think that a hobby can work in thos situation is if he actually lived home full time and had his one night off, and so did you OR if you both get a couple hours to pursue something without partner and child (you do running/friends catch up on Saturday whilst he's with Dc for 2 hours and ge does his football for two hours sunday).

The fact that he actually said its your fault for dropping hobbies when he is actually the reason u can't have them is pretty fucking diabolical. Imagine you decided to leave HIM alone at home for the weekend to be an actual fucking parent to his own kid. Bet he won't see that as his fault would he?

I'm sorry but his attitude is vile and realistically he probably won't change.

I'd LTB.

To be fair. You might as well LTB. You don't live together and he's not really even there on weekends. You're a single parent at best.