AIBU husband to prioritise family time?

[Prescotmum]

For context both me (F30) and my husband (M 33) work full time in very high pressured jobs. We have a one year old daughter who is in nursery 3 days a week and she spends two days with her grandparents.

My husband is currently working away from home for 5 days a week. On these 5 days he lives alone and although he works unusual hours he has a large amount of free time to use as he pleases. He goes to the gym, plays football, plays on his PlayStation and meets friends in his free time. I am back in our family home with our daughter, working full time with an hour commute each way to my office. I do pick up and drop off at nursery and grandparents during the week before and after my commute. I have very limited free time right now, 7-9pm in the evening once my daughter is asleep which is usually spent preparing for the next day, household chores and the going bed as I’m up at 5am.

Me and my husband are going round in circles having a repeating argument and we both think the other is being unreasonable.

On the weekends when he is home he chooses to spend his time going to the football match one day and playing Sunday league football the other day (usually followed by the pub). Meaning that we only ever really get family time in the morning or in the afternoon on one of the days. On the weekends where there is no football he has normally scheduled afternoon plans with his friends and their partners, which we will both attend (babysitter dependent) but these are infrequent. I have asked him to choose to either go to the football match or play football not both as we have such limited time together as a family.

I am struggling to understand why, after being away for 5 days, he wouldn’t want to prioritise time with me and our daughter? I feel unappreciated and it’s really hurting my feelings.

This Sunday I have made plans to meet my pregnant best friend for breakfast to see her and pictures of her 12 week scan. I have not seen her since September. My husband refused to cancel on his Sunday league football and he said I was being unreasonable asking him to sacrifice his hobbies on a weekend. I lost my temper and said he hasn’t made any sacrifices to his social life and I just wanted one morning with my friend. His response was that it was my choice to sacrifice all of my hobbies - this made my blood boil as I am unable to pursue my hobbies such as a running club and gym classes because we do not have child care in the evenings whilst he’s away. The conversation ended with me in tears (due to anger), putting the phone down, recomposing myself and going back to into work.

So AIBU to expect him to prioritise spending time with our daughter and me over football/hobbies on a weekend?

And in this most recent argument is it unreasonable to ask him to cancel his participation in a football game so that I can see my friend?

I am genuinely at a loss and would appreciate any advice/perspective

So, you're basically a single parent, and he gets to act like a young single bloke with no responsibilities? He's rather a tosser, isn't he.

Id be telling him that you both need to talk about what splitting up will look like, as he obviously can't be bothered and it's preventing you from finding someone who actually wants to be with you.

You're a single parent anyway.

You don't actually have a marriage/ relationship OP.

He works away and is out every weekend with friends n hobbies.

He's living the single life with sex, clean clothes , food all probably supplied by you !

In short YANBU. He is being an incredibly selfish man-child.

This is absolutely not ok.

Apart from the financial aspect, you are basically a single parent.

To put it into context, I have a friend whose DH works away during the week Mon-Fri.
Friday evening and Saturday day are family day.

Saturday evening, night and all Sunday are for my friend to go and do what she wants without the kids.
He’s also flexible if she wants to go out on Friday night instead.

He does absolutely nothing for himself, apart from spend time with his children and wife.
He regularly says how fortunate he is that his wife does all of the hard work during the week and he can’t wait to spend time with them all ok the weekends.

I honestly don’t think I would put up with this.
If you were to end things then he’d have to have his kids on the weekend.

He is literally never at home and has zero interest in seeing, spending time with or doing anything for either you or his child 😮. I’d just say it wasn’t a choice of mine to give up all hobbies and spend all my time parenting the baby we had, as the only parent baby has I couldn’t do anything else. I am looking at finances and next weekend I will ask you to move out. It will make zero difference to my or dds life apart from financially, since you couldn’t give a shiny shit about us and prioritise yourself 24/7.

That or if the plan would be to live with parents for a while then I’d just take a few days off next week and be gone when he came home next. See if he notices that weekend or if it takes a month or so.

He’s basically not interested in you or his daughter.

Sorry OP, but I’d be having a Frank conversation with him about splitting up.

Fuck that.

Name 3 things good about him just now off the top of your head.

What are the benefits of being with him?

He is unbelievably selfish.

What a failure and a disappointment he is.

@Prescotmum does he bring his washing home for you to do and do you send him away with a goody box when he leaves?? He is acting like a right selfish pig!

You're describing a single bachelor, not a husband and father.

He is taking the absolute piss out of you. He doesn't deserve you or your children.

That is totally unreasonably and very selfish of him OP. What the hell is the point of your marriage?
That would mean he spends virtually no time with his daughter.
I couldn't imagine being away from DS for so long when he was that age my heart would be broken.
What are you getting out of this relationship? Did he want a child, because it doesn't look like he does.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable, not even slightly. He’s not being a parent or a partner in any way shape or form, he is not participating in the family.

Sit down with him a draw a timetable of the week showing all the time you spend on parenting, housework, and social time/hobbies. Then what he spends on the time. Ask him with it there in black and white where is your time and where is family time. Perhaps seeing it might jolt him a bit but he may be too far gone.

True. They seem to like the idea of it for the status and photo ops but don't actually want to do any of the care for them.

Same with wanting marriage for the benefits he gets from a wife appliance, but doesn't want to do anything.

He doesn’t want to spend time with you.
He isn’t interested in your daughter.

It’s that simple.

Ask yourself why this is a man you’d want to be married to.

This OP.
Unfortunately, unless he was anything but enthusiastic about having children, you shouldn't have had one with him, given what so many men end up being like....

And if he was enthusiastic he's a grade A POS for then leaving all the hard work to you.

Oh helllll no is this fair. I’m sorry there’s no way I’d put up with him. He sounds like a twat, and a bad dad. Sorry.

I would not put up with that shit you must be so fed up. This does not sound fun at all.

Your husband has a choice.
He is choosing to spend his free time with his friends over spending it with his wife and child.
It hurts like hell, I understand, I have been where you are and it destroyed my self worth. Feeling like a second choice to the man who claims to love you is an awful way to live.

Leaving him and prioritising you and your child will eventually lead to you being happier than you are now.

OP this is not a healthy marriage.

Then let him.