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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if DC has preference for me and if I should intervene with crying DC and DH

45 replies

dreambream · 16/11/2023 07:36

8month old has a cold and has been unsettled during the night the past 3 nights (GP said it's just a cold and nothing to worry about). DH took over about two hours ago to let me get some sleep and she's just been crying and crying. I feel like she's developed some sort of preference for me lately (he is finding it harder to put her to sleep and when he gives her to me she falls asleep almost instantly).

Should I intervene? I know I am supposed to let DH find his own way of consoling her and not micromanage how he parents etc. But I just feel like she really could do with a cuddle right now.

For the record, DH is generally a great dad/husband. He plays with her, does bathtimes when back from work, gives me lie ins whenever possible etc. He is however like I said struggling with putting DC to sleep lately and I wonder if it's because DC has developed a preference for me. If both parents are equally involved with DC's care will a DC develop a preference? Gosh she sounds hysterical, I think I will have to intervene.

OP posts:
Oxomoco · 16/11/2023 07:39

He’ll figure it out.

bigageap · 16/11/2023 07:42

You will make the situation worse if you keep taking over. Then will be on here in a year or so saying DH doesn’t help enough! Kids have to learn that both parents are there for them!

myotherkidisacassowary · 16/11/2023 07:45

It’s very normal for babies to go through phases of preferring one parent over the other, and then swing back and forth.

You won’t cause harm either by intervening or by leaving. She’s currently being safely supported by a loving parent - she’s absolutely fine if you don’t go to her, and you need to make sure you get some rest and recovery time as well. But if it’s causing you stress, it’s absolutely fine for you to go and help. You aren’t going to stop her from having a deep bond with her present and involved father by doing so.

Do what feels best for you, and remember: this too shall pass ♥️

AHeadForHeights · 16/11/2023 08:01

No. Put earplugs in and leave him to it otherwise, if you let it and especially if you start intervening when there's no real reason to, you'll find yourself doing all of it, resenting your dh and wondering why he has no relationship with your dc.

TheSandgroper · 16/11/2023 08:07

Dh was very good with dc but sometimes, particularly when dc were feeling fragile, I just took over. I couldn’t take him messing with my own biology, however well meaning. If dc were that desperate for me, they got me. Thankfully, if dh was hurt by this, he didn’t tell me.

Gettingbysomehow · 16/11/2023 08:09

People think mums and dads are interchangeable. They are not. At 8 months a baby needs their mummy who is the source of food and love. Its only natural. We even smell different to men. They need their dad more in other ways when they get older.
I dont care what anyone says why fight nature.

GetTheWinterQuiltOut · 16/11/2023 08:14

Gettingbysomehow · 16/11/2023 08:09

People think mums and dads are interchangeable. They are not. At 8 months a baby needs their mummy who is the source of food and love. Its only natural. We even smell different to men. They need their dad more in other ways when they get older.
I dont care what anyone says why fight nature.

The food rather depends on whether the baby is breastfed or not.

At what age does the dad start becoming a source of love?

theduchessofspork · 16/11/2023 08:19

Don’t take over

The more you do, the less he’ll be able to comfort her. She’s bound to prefer you because she’s had more of you. Now is a good time to even it out.

Later on you might find she plays favourites as a toddler or young child. Similarly, don’t give in to it - it becomes a cycle where the child spends less time with the less favoured parent, so their bond gets weaker.

CurlewKate · 16/11/2023 08:25

This is a very difficult one. I certainly see the "put ear plugs in and let him cope" pov. But in this case, the baby has to cope too. And crucially, nobody is asleep. I'm a firm believer in the idea that babies don't have wants, they have needs. So in my family, I would have had the sick baby and Dp would have taken over absolutely everything else.

Motomum23 · 16/11/2023 08:31

My kids have always preferred me when feeling poorly. Even if dh is up with them in the night it's me they want to be with and frankly when someone is poorly I think it's cruel to deny them comfort (if you can help it).
They adore their dad and will frequently choose him to cuddle with, play with etc over me so it's not a bond issue at all its just a 'when I'm poorly I want mummy'

headcheffer · 16/11/2023 08:33

myotherkidisacassowary · 16/11/2023 07:45

It’s very normal for babies to go through phases of preferring one parent over the other, and then swing back and forth.

You won’t cause harm either by intervening or by leaving. She’s currently being safely supported by a loving parent - she’s absolutely fine if you don’t go to her, and you need to make sure you get some rest and recovery time as well. But if it’s causing you stress, it’s absolutely fine for you to go and help. You aren’t going to stop her from having a deep bond with her present and involved father by doing so.

Do what feels best for you, and remember: this too shall pass ♥️

This

mammabing · 16/11/2023 08:34

I remember reading a while back that when babies are very young they’re unable to see mum as a separate person and instead see her as an extension of themselves, hence why babies often (but not always) calm quicker in mums arms than dads.
However, when they begin to realise that they’re their own person around the toddler stage they tend to swing towards dad as the favourite. Mum hears lots of ‘no, daddy do it!’ as it’s their first chance to get some independence and make their own choices.
FYI - I don’t know how true this is by the way! It just appeared in one of those child development emails I get every month or so but it kind of makes sense.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 16/11/2023 08:37

I couldn't sleep knowing that dc was hysterical and I could settle her. I hope you all got some sleep.

Everyhow · 16/11/2023 08:38

Completely disagree with @AHeadForHeights @bigageap here. We went through the same and I just did all bedtimes for a month or so until the preference subsided. Baby perfectly happy to be put to bed by dad again. No crying marathons needed.

myotherkidisacassowary · 16/11/2023 08:39

mammabing · 16/11/2023 08:34

I remember reading a while back that when babies are very young they’re unable to see mum as a separate person and instead see her as an extension of themselves, hence why babies often (but not always) calm quicker in mums arms than dads.
However, when they begin to realise that they’re their own person around the toddler stage they tend to swing towards dad as the favourite. Mum hears lots of ‘no, daddy do it!’ as it’s their first chance to get some independence and make their own choices.
FYI - I don’t know how true this is by the way! It just appeared in one of those child development emails I get every month or so but it kind of makes sense.

This was definitely the case for us. I was the preferred parent for about the first year (most likely because of breastfeeding) and I was always there to console my son - if he was upset, he got me. My husband found it much harder than I did to settle him to sleep etc.

He’s now 3 and my husband is currently the preferred parent. He has a very close and loving bond with both of us but always picks my husband to help him with things and sometimes grumbles when it’s my turn to put him to bed.

he has swing back and forth between preferring each of us over the years, so we don’t fret! We both have a brilliant relationship with him, and his early intense preference for me hasn’t had any impact beyond that first year at all.

viques · 16/11/2023 08:41

At 8 months the crying and fretting is probably more to do with teeth than preferring one parent over the other. Think of ways to soothe those gums and she will settle much better.

AgaMM · 16/11/2023 08:41

bigageap · 16/11/2023 07:42

You will make the situation worse if you keep taking over. Then will be on here in a year or so saying DH doesn’t help enough! Kids have to learn that both parents are there for them!

This. A thousand times. It ended up causing feelings of resentment from me and DH feeling like he’s useless and incompetent.

Things are much more balanced now so we’re happier, but this is one of the very few things where making a rod for your own back is actually a thing.

CurlewKate · 16/11/2023 09:07

I take issue with all the "babies have to learn" posts. No they don't. They're baby animals working on instinct. Yes, if the father hands the baby over and goes back to bed it's going to cause resentment-and a lot of them do. There is a huge difference between meeting a baby's needs and giving an adult what he wants.

Jointhecircus · 16/11/2023 09:14

This may not be a fashionable point of view, but It’s completely normal for an 8 month old to have a preference for mum, particularly when ill! If you feel like she needs a cuddle from you and you are able to give her one (ie not completely worn out and desperate for a break) then why go against your instincts?

It sounds like taking a stance of leaving him to deal with it to make some kind of point for equality is making you all miserable! Why do it to yourselves and your baby?

BarnacleBeasley · 16/11/2023 09:21

My DC is now 2.5 and we found (and still find) he goes through phases of settling better for one or the other. There was a long phase when he would only settle for DP, so she did all the bedtimes, then he started being really difficult to get down so we swapped and I did all the bedtimes. I think at 8 months, he did still prefer birth mum, but actually on particularly difficult nights it was mostly just the case that we needed a change of personnel - so whoever had been in there for two hours got to hand over.

Everyone saying 'you'll set a pattern where you do it all and you resent the dad' may be speaking from experience, but that'll only happen if you let it, not just because of one time, or a short phase when baby is little.

vickylou78 · 16/11/2023 09:29

I think it's perfectly normal for a baby under 18months to need their mother to settle them especially when they are ill. There is good reason why women give birth and breast feed etc. Dad can support you looking after the baby. Go settle the baby and then you'll all get some sleep! Remember it's a partnership. Daddy will have other important roles later on.
I think once 18months on both parents would probably be equally good at settling and comforting them and definitely would be putting ear plugs in!

AuntieStella · 16/11/2023 09:36

I would leave DH to sort this out.

Yes, preferences might appear and change over time, but where there are two core and present parents, it's important that certain levels of care and attention can be provided by either.

Caring for a tiny DC with a cold is not much fun; it's emotionally draining and interrupted sleep is detrimental to you too. You actually need these periods with DH as the parent on duty because if you do not rest and recharge you make everything worse.

Have him take her out of earshot if at all possible, remember she is with the only person on the planet who loves her as much as you do, and they will be absolutely fine

PS: there may be other circumstances which mean that you have to be apart from your baby (say if you get appendicitis and need 36 hours in hospital). Having a baby who is fine with either parent is a comfort if something like that comes up. Not to mention when they're a bit bigger and you just want a night away with your best friends

Anderson2018 · 16/11/2023 10:01

I would just ask him if he needs a hand, if he says he got it then let him get in with it, if he’s having a hard time and wants help then help him out.

N4ish · 16/11/2023 10:07

I could never ever leave an 8 month old baby to cry hysterically when I knew I could easily comfort her. Of course she has a preference for you, she's still very tiny. I find it upsetting to read people advising you to put earplugs in and leave your DH to it.

Twixxer · 16/11/2023 10:12

There isn’t one answer to this. Look at the baby’s needs first, she seems to want Mum then look at whether you are physically able to provide what she needs through the exhaustion and will be physically able to care for baby into the next day and then decide the course of action. I agree with the posters that babies are biologically programmed to be with their mums at this stage but Mums have physical needs too and if a baby is being looked after by an engaged and alert Dad and it means that Mum will be able to provide better care during the daytime then do what works. There are no perfect solutions to parenthood.