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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if DC has preference for me and if I should intervene with crying DC and DH

45 replies

dreambream · 16/11/2023 07:36

8month old has a cold and has been unsettled during the night the past 3 nights (GP said it's just a cold and nothing to worry about). DH took over about two hours ago to let me get some sleep and she's just been crying and crying. I feel like she's developed some sort of preference for me lately (he is finding it harder to put her to sleep and when he gives her to me she falls asleep almost instantly).

Should I intervene? I know I am supposed to let DH find his own way of consoling her and not micromanage how he parents etc. But I just feel like she really could do with a cuddle right now.

For the record, DH is generally a great dad/husband. He plays with her, does bathtimes when back from work, gives me lie ins whenever possible etc. He is however like I said struggling with putting DC to sleep lately and I wonder if it's because DC has developed a preference for me. If both parents are equally involved with DC's care will a DC develop a preference? Gosh she sounds hysterical, I think I will have to intervene.

OP posts:

malmi · 16/11/2023 10:14

I don't think there's an absolute right or wrong answer to this but in our house the baby has gone through phases of preferring mum and then dad, not settling for one or the other at times and being happy with either at other times. We have tried to do what works best for the baby and neither parent has thrown the towel in and refused to try. When baby is not sleeping well we take turns to get up, cuddle and feed etc. We try to avoid hard and fast rules about who does what. We try to support each other and work as a team. This has worked best for us.

feelingvindicated · 16/11/2023 10:18

Imagine leaving an 8 month old sick baby screaming hysterical for two hours.

Poor baby and poor husband.

I'll never understand women who insist that their husbands do 50/50 care at that age, babies will ALWAYS want their mums, regardless of breast or formula fed.

My husband has put our kids to bed himself for years but not when they are small babies and certainly not under circumstances like that.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 16/11/2023 10:21

N4ish · 16/11/2023 10:07

I could never ever leave an 8 month old baby to cry hysterically when I knew I could easily comfort her. Of course she has a preference for you, she's still very tiny. I find it upsetting to read people advising you to put earplugs in and leave your DH to it.

This. If you’re physically or mentally unable to comfort her then of course you need to put your health first, but it seems cruel to leave her if you are able to comfort her. She’s a baby of course she wants her mum when she’s unwell.

Montegufoni2017 · 16/11/2023 10:22

This!!!

notahappybunny7 · 16/11/2023 10:24

AHeadForHeights · 16/11/2023 08:01

No. Put earplugs in and leave him to it otherwise, if you let it and especially if you start intervening when there's no real reason to, you'll find yourself doing all of it, resenting your dh and wondering why he has no relationship with your dc.

How ridiculous. There is a middle ground. Please don’t put earplugs in when your poorly 8 month old is crying for you, follow your instincts.

Mintesso · 16/11/2023 10:29

Babies prefer the mum. There is huge pressure from society to deny this and for the mum and dad to try to parent a baby equally but in my experience that is good for no one.

Do whatever your instincts tell you is my advice to you.

This preference won’t last forever. One day that baby will be a ten year old who adores dad but finds mum annoying. That’s nature for you 😂

Iscreamtea · 16/11/2023 11:07

This is a baby who needs comfort from their mother. I can't imagine leaving a baby in distress when I could do something about it. There will be plenty of times as she grows up that she will favour her Dad.

IME babies and children just want their Mum when they are ill or hurt. They may prefer Dad at all other times but when they are ill or hurt it will be Mum every time.

I'm sure once she's feeling better, she will be perfectly happy with her Dad again.

florafoxtrot · 16/11/2023 11:12

I feel like if you will be able to settle quicker and get you all back to sleep then I'd go for that... You can try to work on the preference again once she's better but all bets are off when they are poorly.

MarvellousMonsters · 16/11/2023 11:47

Are you breastfeeding? In which case yes, if she's very upset, intervene. She's at an age where she's realising more and more and is aware of the differences between you and her dad, and if you're still on maternity leave and she is with you most of the day then it's normal that she will prefer you.

nutbrownhare15 · 16/11/2023 12:22

This is a challenging one. I would take over if I felt able to (sometimes I just needed a break) and I think it's fine to do so. Dad probably needs a break, baby is poorly and wants their mum. I did do majority of comforting in baby's early years especially as breastfeeding but dad got plenty of opportunities to comfort too and now they can both be comforted by him as well as me. Sometimes they just want me or him and that's fine. I don't think you need to be rigid about these things as long as dad gets some opportunity to practice and develop their bond

YouveGotAFastCar · 16/11/2023 12:26

theduchessofspork · 16/11/2023 08:19

Don’t take over

The more you do, the less he’ll be able to comfort her. She’s bound to prefer you because she’s had more of you. Now is a good time to even it out.

Later on you might find she plays favourites as a toddler or young child. Similarly, don’t give in to it - it becomes a cycle where the child spends less time with the less favoured parent, so their bond gets weaker.

Bollocks.

I've taken over whenever my DH hasn't been able to comfort DS. It makes absolutely no sense for any of us to be miserable when it's easily solved.

They're thick as thieves, he can absolutely deal with things if I'm not there or I'm busy.

It's good advice to make sure they spend quality time together and you get a break, but that doesn't need to be when the baby is desperate for mum, unless mum isn't in a fit state/able to comfort at that time.

Putting earplugs in to ignore your own baby, if you're able to respond, seems absolutely brutal.

Nevermind31 · 16/11/2023 12:27

Check in with DH whether he needs a break - sometimes babies just cry and it is very stressful, and eventually they will calm down, which may be because parents have switched, or because it is just that time.
if he doesn’t need a break, leave them to it.
but don’t become the default parent.

Beachywave · 16/11/2023 12:36

Since our youngest was 10 weeks, my DH and I have both worked 4 days/ had three days at home lone parenting and our kids still all prefer him to me. I even do slightly more as I have an earlier finish on the day we both work. If my DH had taken the baby from me every time he cried I’d have felt like total shit, however sometimes the relief is nice.

Ask what your DH wants you to do to support him?

Everyhow · 16/11/2023 12:43

@Beachywave surely you can understand this isn’t about your feelings or OP DH feelings - it’s about a distressed sick crying baby who wants her mother. It’s cruel to make the baby be upset for longer when there is no need.

AmyandPhilipfan · 16/11/2023 13:15

My daughter has always had a preference for me, from being a tiny baby. I tried going out for the evening when she was about that age and my husband called me asking me to come home early as she was upset. To him it just seemed natural for him to give her to me if she was crying as he knew I could solve it without her being distressed for hours. I did harden my heart to it a bit as she got older, for instance if she'd done something as a two year old that he told her off for and she threw a tantrum then I could leave him to deal with her! But as a baby I couldn't leave her to cry when I knew I could easily solve it. And luckily my husband never took offence that our baby only wanted me! In our situation though he worked long days so sometimes went up to 3 days without her seeing him at all because she would be asleep when he left and asleep when he got back. So it probably took her a bit longer to really get to know him.

She's 6 now and will quite happily spend time with him. And I happily wave them off at the door!

Vinoveritass · 16/11/2023 13:19

I'd push through. It will sort itself and your child will have two parents who are both their source of support and care. If you intervene you will disenfranchise him and create a problem you will complain about later!

AlbaGirl8 · 16/11/2023 15:33

My DH is a great, involved dad with both of ours, has been since day 1. Bottle fed both so equal amounts of feeding/ bonding etc. regardless of this, both kids have gone through phases of needing mummy more, especially when unwell. DH struggled a bit with this the first time round but now he is much more chill and realises it’s nothing against him, it’s just what little babies are tuned to need at that moment in time. I was like you, I couldn’t lie there for hours listening to them cry with him, it broke my heart. As long as you handle it gently and explain it’s not a case of you taking over or not trusting his abilities, it’s just what your tiny baby who can communicate fully needs right now, and what you need as a mum. It’s different if your physically not in the house, then he’d have to get on with it, but you’re there, so go get your baby, it will result in more sleep for all and a happier family! My oldest is 4 now and Daddy is the ultimate hero to her! Yet I’m sure it won’t be him she’s running to about periods and boyfriends one day. It’s all swings & roundabouts! Be flexible, you won’t “make a rod for your back” or anything like that. Sending love xx

Hilly7 · 16/11/2023 19:01

feelingvindicated · 16/11/2023 10:18

Imagine leaving an 8 month old sick baby screaming hysterical for two hours.

Poor baby and poor husband.

I'll never understand women who insist that their husbands do 50/50 care at that age, babies will ALWAYS want their mums, regardless of breast or formula fed.

My husband has put our kids to bed himself for years but not when they are small babies and certainly not under circumstances like that.

Absolutely agree. How sad also for all the babies who's parents are agreeing on here. Heaven knows what their babies went through...

Baba197 · 17/11/2023 21:27

Most kids want mum when not well, it’s just how it is so maybe just explain that to dad so he doesn’t feel pushed out

Bellao · 19/11/2023 06:52

The reason you feel like you need to intervene is because your natural instinct is to respond to your baby’s cries, it’s biology! You are not going to do any damage by intervening. Dad can support you by going to make you a cup of tea etc… and then when baby is calmer he can try again. Hope you get some rest xx

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