AIBU about being treated unfairly after maternity leave?

[CluelessToddlerMum]

Before mat leave, I was at a high point in my career so far. I was high achieving and had a good reputation. Prior to returning from mat leave, it was agreed that I could return on 3 days per week in the same role (different team due to structural changes whilst I was off but still same sort’ve role) but my workload would be adjusted.

Upon returning, I had the same job title but was barely given any work to do - told that I could “settle back in”. After a few weeks, I raised concerns that I didn’t have enough work and that the remits of my role were confusing. My role felt like an after thought. Following a discussion with my manager, they reviewed my role remit and I was given a bit more responsibility. It’s been 3 months total now. During this time, I’ve had a fair bit of time off due to my child being unwell a lot because of unavoidable nursery bugs. Due to this and being 3 days per week, I’ve found it difficult settling back in as I’ve found it hard to get into the swing of it and I’m always playing catch up. It’s a very fast paced business. I’ve been open with my manager about this and a plan was agreed to help me catch up what I missed on my non-working days quicker. The following week, concerns were raised to me about the amount of time off I’ve had. The week after that, I’ve been told that it’s been decided it’s not possible to do my role in 3 days and I’m being moved to another role entirely.

I know they’re probably within their right to do what they’ve done, but I feel like I haven’t been given a fair opportunity to see if my role is possible in 3 days per week as for the first month, my role remit was unclear and then I’ve had no choice but to take time off to look after a sick child. Also a plan was agreed to help, but then only given a week to see if it would help before being moved on. I feel as though all the hard work I’ve put in over the last 10 years in my job has been forgotten, I feel undervalued and I feel as though I’m being managed out.

I don’t know what to do from here or what I want to happen. I also don’t know if I’m just being sensitive. AIBU? Does anyone have any advice?

A bit late now but for all mothered returning to work - Your DH needs to do all the sick days for the first 6 months of your return to work so you can re- establish yourself. He’s already had the benefit of being able to progress his career over your mat leave.

You’re a team and you need to work together so that you can both keep your careers progressing. Think of it as a great opportunity for DH and DS to bond.

Your DH should be doing most the sick days on your return to work. You're already doing 3 days a week so have 2 days covered. He should be covering 2 of the days you're working when your child is sick and then the extra one should be split between you. Obviously some flexibility is required but for the first 3 months at least he should be doing as many of the sick days as possible. As an employer I would ask to see the comparison of how many sick days you've done vs how many he's done. It's not a legal obligation but if you can show he's done the majority it will go in your favour.

They have

So out of the 3 months you've been working 3 days a week and on average you're only doing 2 days a week for 1 of those months?

I can see why they raised it. Yes it's A/L but it's presumably short notice A/L which they might be helping you with as part of the return. In many jobs you'd be expected to give notice and have to take dependants leave for a day if you had to take it off at short notice.

My DH has also taken time off due to my child being unwell, my child has just been unwell a lot. I’ve taken a bit more of the time off as my child is very clingy with my when unwell and so I’ve wanted to care for him. But obviously to the detriment of my career

you know what the issues is. You've said it yourself. You are choosing to sacrifice your career by going part time and taking the majority of time off sick, rather than your husband’s. The consequence if that it you sacrifice your career.

She said she has been off four times, not four days. Each time could have been longer than a day.

Unfortunately, when you go back after mat leave, it's highly likely that your baby will be clingy with you, it's mother, as you have been the primary care provider whilst you've been on mat leave. It's a times like this when you have to remind yourself that they will be absolutely fine at home with their Dad and you go off to work. Every day your DH has off to look after an ill child is 20% of his week; every day you have off is 33%.
What is you working pattern? Are you doing three consecutive days? In my opinion, that's often the worse scenario for business continuity and being able to keep up and for dealing with illness. I used to do Mon, Tues & Thurs. That meant that, as long as the DC wasn't sick on the Sunday night or Monday (48hr rule), they usually only needed one day off nursery if they were ill. More importantly, I only ever missed one working day at a time so there was less need for colleagues to have to pick things up in my absence. I also kept an eye on my emails on my days off. Officially, I didn't need to but it meant I was up to speed when I next went back into the office. I also used to use the rule that, if it was only going to take a few minutes to reply to an email or make a call to a colleague and I had those minutes available and it would save a colleague a chunk of time, I would try and reply.
In a team adjacent to mine, two women recently came back from mat leave and are both doing three days a week. They do pretty similar roles. Before mat leave, person A was the weaker of the two. Since coming back, she's taken a similar approach to that which I did and is flying. Person B does three consecutive days, doesn't do any work outside of those times etc and is struggling. There's nothing wrong with Person B and it's not as if her line manager or any of us will criticise her for it but the two roles are diverging as one approach is more suited to a fast paced environment than the other.

I don’t think you are being completely unreasonable. It’s sad that still a man and a woman can have a child but it is the woman’s career that is affected the majority of the time. Have a look at https://pregnantthenscrewed.com/

It's really hard working part time in a senior role in a fast paced environment. It sounds like they could have been a bit more supportive but it's not necessarily discrimination or malice.

I think you need to be really proactive now. What mechanisms can you put in place to help you catch when you come back in after your non working days? Are there standalone projects that you can take on? How are you demonstrating that your role is effective in part time hours?

Would it help if you worked 4 days rather than 3 and could your DH drop a day? Is he pulling his weight?

It's tough being a working parent and if you are serious about your career then you might have to go the extra mile like logging into your emails in the evenings or at weekends to keep up with developments.

On my recent return from maternity leave, my flexible working request (four days a week), has been given a three month trial
period. Could you suggest this? I don’t think you’ve been given a fair chance yet. Good luck OP x

I think it's logical for work to feel a little frustrated: they've been incredibly accommodating, then you haven't even been able to work the three days a week they've allocated. It must be very hard for them to progress with projects with someone who's only there a couple of times a week on random days.

Employers need to make reasonable adjustments. We are all human.

I think they have been made though.

OP, I do understand but there are times you just have to tread water. Give yourself a year for your DS to get over the constant nursery bug churn and see where you're at then.

If you were a new hire then 3 months would be your probationary period, after which they’d decide if you stay or go completely. If you’re not performing and able to carry out the role as required then you go. I’d say you’re fairly lucky they’ve found you an alternative role.

I don’t think you are being completely unreasonable. It’s sad that still a man and a woman can have a child but it is the woman’s career that is affected the majority of the time.

More often than not, it's the woman who decides to go back PT, though, not the man.

3 days per week for 3 months is 36 working days… how many of those have you had off for a sick baby?

We all know how hard it is. My team have kids, I have a kid. Been there, done that! However it’s impossible, at least in my business, to do a good job when you are part time and taking a lot of additional time off.

You and your husband need to decide if you are prepared to sacrifice your career to allow his to continue or if you will share this burden. You already suffer the disadvantage of being female, have had a pregnancy, maternity leave, reduced days and now are taking time off work on top of those two days. Regardless of what it feels like to your husband, his career and future earning potential is much more robust than yours. He could and should negotiate flexibile working arrangement where he guarantees tobe at work the two days you are off and works flexibly the other three, making time up in the evening / weekends or simply drops down to 3 or 4 days for 6 months while your child settles into this cycle of illness.. or.. you get a nanny.

Employers see this all the time.. successful women, great career prospects, but parenting falls on them and not their husbands.. the impact of the odd day off here or there is proportionatly higher on part time workers. Your DH may have shared the sick days... but her hasn't.. because you have 2 days out of work every day.

I do not believe that we go into parenthood fully understanding the impact it will have on our lives. We ignore the evidence of women in old age, in low paid, part time jobs with minimal pensions and we say.. that won't be me.. I am worth more to my employer.. they will not throw away my experience.. ignoring the fact that there is a new wave of people only too ready to step into the gap that we open up.

We also completely underestimate the impact becoming a mother will have on our sense of self and sense of obligation to our children. What proportion of this is socially imposed on us and what is driven by the hormonal coding of our responses as a result of the biological imperatives associated with the human design which compels us to keep our babies safe... we will never know.

It is possible to have a career and a family, but unless you choose to share that burden equally with your partner, your career will suffer. Equal means he takes fays off until he has had 9 months or a year off.. I would wager than the impact on a mans career of taking short notice unpaid leave to look after children when they are ill, totalling 9 months, would be equal over their entire career as maternity leave has on a woman's career. (On average... he would eventually find another job if he lost his.. whereas many women end up having a complete career shift that reduces their entire lifetime earnings).

Is it worh husband having a six figure salary and you not working.. compared to you both earning half that each.. it is impossible to truly assess all of the factors that go to evaluating this.

If you have had a lot of time off then I'm not surprised they are reluctant to give you more responsibility. You need to make arrangements for child care when your child is ill. I don't think you have been treated unfairly at all. Some places might have sent you a warning re your absences.

I see you have taken annual leave. But it just isn't working. You will need to have a long hard think about whether it's worth fighting to keep your old job which seems to have changed anyway.

When my kids were v small, I was PT and we had an arrangement that if the kids were sick, my husband would take the hit if possible. To not go in on a 3 day week is bad, on a 5 day week it’s more manageable so we protected my days at all costs. Can you and your DH do that?

Another woman returned on the same arrangement as me but she did equal or more sick cover. They saw it as protecting her husband’s job which had got more important to them. She was pushed out, his soared (same company).

This is the long haul so try to come to an arrangement now with DH that works.

They gave you P/T hours and you complained you didn’t have enough work. Then when they gave you additional work you couldn’t complete it and took days off.

When I went back after MAT leave, I shared all sick days with dp, and was lucky to get two promotions within the first 12 months. Honestly if I’d taken all of the sick days I don’t think that would have happened.

Something else to consider is the type of childcare. DC1 went to a childminder. She was able to be a lot more flexible about taking DC when poorly.

Employers do tend to make a lot of assumptions about women returning after maternity leave.

When a woman becomes a parent it is assumed she is less interested in her career. She will be given less interesting and career advancing projects. It is assumed that she will be the default parent if child is ill. If she asks for a half day to go to school sports day/special assembly/whatever eyes will be rolled and this will be seen as evidence of her lack of career commitment.

When a man becomes a parent it is assumed he is more interested in his career. He will be given more interesting and career advancing projects. It is assumed the other parent normally deals with child being ill. If he asks for a half day to go to school sports day/special assembly/whatever he will be applauded.

Seen this and experienced it many times. These assumptions are made even when the evidence in front of the employer contradicts them.

It seems fair to me; what do you want to prioritise career or family? If you want to prioritise career you need to go back full time and find a nanny.

If you want to prioritise family, be happy for the part time position, slow down for a few years. Enjoy your little one, they grow up quickly and go back full time when they are in school.

My female boss has a young child and I don’t remember she taking any time off for her child or herself but she does work from home and work around it I guess.

Everything has a price. Which one you want.

I worked part time and put my career behind until youngest one was in year 5. I don’t regret it at all; I love being around to my kids, spending time with them on the holidays. They are very close to me. Now they are olde I work in a full time, fast pace job.

I have a line report not long back from mat leave working compressed hours. As with many parents in autumn she's had to make unexpected trips to nursery to collect her little one who has been ill, go to GP etc. I always make it clear I don't need her to make the time up because her work is high quality and she over delivers in my view. And that's the point, she's getting the work done.

That's not similar to OP's situation at all

Actually quite disgusted by the percentage of people voting YABU

It's fine and normal for people to have a well reasoned and opposite point of view, particularly if based on practical experience of this situation from either side.