How to be content?

[Mgup]

Hi everyone

Name changed for this thread, however need advice on how to be content!

For context I am 35yr old female, happily married with two DC aged 11 and 12. Own our mortgaged property and doing well career wise eg have achieved a senior position before peers and even before I thought I would eg assumed I'd be in my mid 40's/ 50's before I reached this level career wise

However the major issue is that I always feel unsettled and like whatever I have needs to be better, my job is pretty ideal except the location but helps me have a great work life balance etc

Marriage is good, kids doing ok, and I am grateful that after a rocky yr7 for eldest, they seem to have settled down significantly

I wanted to move house last yr to bigger property but current interest rates made that unfeasible, since made my peace with staying where we are which still meets our needs and is affordable

Before I changed jobs, was reallocating stressed out with no pension or stability, now wondering if I should return for more money but that also means more stress!

Keep feeling like at my age I should be investing more financially eg in a buy to let or something else, have focussed this year on getting another income stream which is going well so this is another goal net, but still worry that this is not enough and that I should have amassed more assets etc by now beyond my residential property

Thinking of studying for a post grad, but just feeling like I am at a crossroads in life as always

I am so grateful for everything I have however just want to feel content in life but for some reason cannot settle and feel this sense of underachievement no matter what I do

Investing in a BTL now would be insane.
According to a recent survey at least a quarter of BTLers are hoping to quit BTL in the next year. Stampeding for the exits.

Why do you think that achieving your career milestone (which you are clearly proud of) 10 or 15 years early while maintaining a stable marriage and raising two kids is somehow underachieving?

You need to change your mindset. You are focused on what you don’t have rather than what what you do. The former is always going to be larger than the latter so you will always be dissatisfied if you continue to think this way.

I think it’s normal to an extent to get circumstantial itchy feet, so to speak. Comparison is the thief of joy so stay away from social media, by the sounds you’re doing really well

I am proud of these things and grateful but subconsciously I think, I am worried that I am not trying hard enough/ settling somehow unless I am 'actively striving' for something.

You are right, and this is what I would advise others, yet when I am in what I think of as the middle phase eg no big life changes such as new job, house move, children changing schools etc I worry that I am coasting somehow

Maybe you’re just a driven person who thrives on a challenge and stretching themselves. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s what you’re good at so I would suggest looking for a new challenge.

If you do want to just enjoy the fruits of your labour for a while then just think about all the things you’re grateful for and try to live in the moment rather than in the place in your head that’s thinking about what’s next.

What about looking at things that makes a difference beyond improving your own circumstances? You acknowledge you’ve done well/been fortunate in life. Might paying that forward in volunteering/ a charity challenge for example help you reset your priorities and help you to be more content with what you have?

Honestly, your life sounds joyless to me. It’s as though you think of yourself as a competitive CV. Why not invest in yourself, in something that is an enjoyable challenge that involves no financial return or career advancement? Train for a marathon, write a novel, learn something difficult, study for a qualification in something unrelated to work?

At times I think we all think that way. I think social media makes it worse as everyone is having a great life.
I quit a management role that I should never have had given my background. But I had worked hard, and did well at it... however the company was a nightmare so I jumped. Moved into something manual, earnt probably 75% less but decided to quit being middle class and go back to my working class attitude that you have food on the table, good mates and plenty of booze and I have stopped worrying that I should have more.

I would suggest having a look at what's going on in the world around you. War zones, poverty, corrupt governments etc.

Stop comparing yourself against what you think is 'success'. Some people your age will be CEO's, others will be living in poverty. You've done well by the normal standards and you're living a very privileged life (that's not a criticism btw).

Be grateful for what you have and if you really feel like you're lacking something then try and volunteer and give something to those not as fortunate as you.

What was your upbringing like, were your parents content?

This is just a guess but I wonder if you need to get something out of your system. You had children relatively young so perhaps didn't feel that sense of financial freedom / fun / whatever that many people experience in their late 20s before they settle down in their 30s. (Btw - I realise this isn't everyone's experience).
I suggest you need to get your teeth stuck into something that's intellectually challenging. Whether that's a course connected to your career or something completely different. Perhaps an MBA? Or set up a small business in the side? I know it sounds mad, but I set up a small business not necessarily to make money, but to understand how it works and to have experience of it. It's turned into a nice little earner that I spend around 5 hours a week on (outside of my normal job).
Failing that - pick up War and Peace and have a stab at that.

I say this genuinely kindly, but have you always been so busy? Rationally you must know that you cant do everything at once so it sounds to me like you are over stimulated. Are you happy? Deep down?

Either there is something underlying or it's just your nature but depending on which depends on how to address it.

Can you practice meditating? Forcing your mind blank?

Thank you all for the kick up the backside I needed tonight to stop me continuously naval gazing, I know I maybe coming across as 'O so privileged and out of touch' but that is not the intention, I constantly feel at a crossroads regarding next steps which is actually really exhausting and often leaves me feeling anxious about the future

I will explore the suggestions given and put off doing anything drastic for a bit and rather try to bring myself back to appreciating the positive people and things that I have more

Parents were always striving for bigger a bigger property when I was growing up, they worked extra jobs etc to achieve this so I know that this is learnt behaviour to an extent

So there's your answer.

I'd see a counsellor to unpack what you've been taught and release yourself from the learned behaviour. Then you can make your own decisions.

I have genuinely always been busy as an adult either studying or trying hard to establish myself in a stressful career or doing both!

I was reflecting that my current job is my dream of less stress, seniority, better work life balance etc, yet feel a fraud. I have equated hard work with doing well so it feels unnatural somehow to be less stressed in my junior roles! I went on two walks today whilst WFH, previously been in roles where I missed lunch, barely had time for the loo due to work pressures and barely slept due to anxiety about the same job, which is so different to now

I am extremely driven OP and can relate to some of what you're saying. My advice would be to channel energy into a non competitive hobby. For eg I love the arts and go to a lot of galleries and exhibitions, I listen to a cultural podcast and do a bit of research around it. I'm learning Spanish etc etc.

try to bring myself back to appreciating the positive people and things that I have more

You can do that for sure but ultimately it's not going to help you get rid of your deep-seated, ingrained and inherited fear of how you present to both other people and yourself and of not being good enough. You can remind yourself that you are 'blessed', keep a gratitude journal etc. etc. but it's not going to really cut through to the core of the problem here. Take some time out for some proper therapy - you've clearly got loads of potential to be as content as content can be in this world but that doesn't just happen without properly and effectively directed effort rather than throwing yourself into ticking yet another high achieving box.

I mean less stressed in senior role! (Referring to previous post)

I would love to learn a language so will possibly look into this

Does your partner have the same drive, and how about your friends/peers? I do find there is some peer pressure sometimes to always be striving for advance status, whether it is financial or job status.

I was at a social gathering once, and the conversations were tiresome; next house improvement, next big holiday, buying boats and second properties. I found it all very over the top, but that whole social circle is like that, so it seems competitive. They were all very well off, but still striving for more. If your circle is like that, you may need to take a step back and find your own thing.

I genuinely wonder if others just feel content with their lives, and don't feel the need to make changes or improve their circumstances constantly? In my current job, I have met people who have been with the company for 25yrs! That seems insane to me, as I have generally changed jobs ever 2.5yrs or so! l realise I just need to calm down as don't want to pass this trait onto my children

I think I'm very similar to you, OP and am, as others have suggested, seeing a therapist to unpack all this. It is working. I would recommend it.

Can usually be traced back to childhood and how things were modelled. It does you no good in the long run. You just end up with shit loads of money and a house that is worth loads but no time left to spend it or enjoy it because you have never learnt to sit still.

I had a days holiday this week. Watched two films and sat on my arse all day with my dog next to me.

Honestly, one day you will look back and wonder why you gave a shit.