How to be content?

[Mgup]

Hi everyone

Name changed for this thread, however need advice on how to be content!

For context I am 35yr old female, happily married with two DC aged 11 and 12. Own our mortgaged property and doing well career wise eg have achieved a senior position before peers and even before I thought I would eg assumed I'd be in my mid 40's/ 50's before I reached this level career wise

However the major issue is that I always feel unsettled and like whatever I have needs to be better, my job is pretty ideal except the location but helps me have a great work life balance etc

Marriage is good, kids doing ok, and I am grateful that after a rocky yr7 for eldest, they seem to have settled down significantly

I wanted to move house last yr to bigger property but current interest rates made that unfeasible, since made my peace with staying where we are which still meets our needs and is affordable

Before I changed jobs, was reallocating stressed out with no pension or stability, now wondering if I should return for more money but that also means more stress!

Keep feeling like at my age I should be investing more financially eg in a buy to let or something else, have focussed this year on getting another income stream which is going well so this is another goal net, but still worry that this is not enough and that I should have amassed more assets etc by now beyond my residential property

Thinking of studying for a post grad, but just feeling like I am at a crossroads in life as always

I am so grateful for everything I have however just want to feel content in life but for some reason cannot settle and feel this sense of underachievement no matter what I do

My partner is the same way and always looking to improve on the business he runs, purchase properties abroad etc which I feel does influence me somewhat

As DH is a little older than me and suddenly concerned with his 'legacy' and leaving the kids in a financially better position than we were, I think this is also linked

DH also comes from a different culture where there is no social security etc so is quite driven and is trying to instill in the kids that they can do anything they put their mind to

Funnily I credit my DH for where I am professionally, when we met I had dropped out of uni, etc, but he encouraged me to return and even do a post grad, he will always ask why not you? If I talk about a promotion or a senior leader, he believes that I could be the director etc 😳🤣🧐 so that has been contagious

DH set up a company for me this month to offer consultancy services so I will also be doing this to keep me busy 🤔

Fear of change, fear of getting stuck... two cheeks of the same arse. Don't waste your time wondering whether other people are content. They don't know, no matter what they might say. The question is, how will YOU liberate yourself from this concern about whether you, as you are, are percieved as being 'enough'.

I will look into this at some point as I recognise that this 'Type A' personality has it's drawbacks

I guess that this will be my life's journey of finding myself

You could simply commit to getting some therapy and seeing where it takes you, without turning it into a life mission that you have to go all out at... 😉

Oh for the love of god, just stop. Life is for living. Properly living, not just working out the next goal or the next financial milestone. Just bloody live. Go see Everest, walk across Tibet. Stop striving and enjoy life. Get a horse. they tend to
sort you out :)

the things you value (larger house, new job) are not the things that make me happy. People make me happy. I enjoy working with people and making a difference for them. People who enjoy those connections with others are less likely to want to change working environments and start again. Having an extra room in my house would not add any emotional benefits for me.
I don’t want the stress of not having enough money to pay bills and deal with emergencies, but beyond that material wealth brings little other than very shallow transient moments of joy. Whereas contentedness arises from the quality of interpersonal relationships and the understanding of my contribution to them.

I can think of a couple of books that might interest you:

Happy Ever After by Paul Dolan
Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman

You need a fulfilling hobby. Though you will first have to master the feeling of wasting your time.
Read a good book. Make half an hour a day.

Ok I am sure you didn't mean to humblebrag 😊. Love the things you do and the people you are with. Not just going through the motions but feeling intense gratitude of being alive, healthy and the amazing life you have created.

I find it easy because I went through years of hell. Waking up to find the people I love the most are alive and well, that I am healthy and happy and safe and can do things I enjoy and find more new things and people that I love is everything.

I hope you never have to go through the things I've been through to find out how much it all means and how lucky you are.

One of the things that is difficult is that, rationally, you know that many people 'have it worse' than you and logically you should be content with your lot (and that is true of most people, there's always someone who is worse off than you). But that is also finding yourself stuck in comparing yourself to others, judging others, feeling judged by others... thinking about how you should be feeling. Coming from a similar place, I doubt that trying to rationalise your way out of this ingrained sense of not being 'enough' is going to work in the long run. This is why I suggest exploring your feelings with someone, without judgement. It's hard to stop being hard on yourself.

Another vote for Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. It really does explain all the stuff you're asking.

To the posters talking of 'Four Thousand Weeks', can I ask - in a 100% curious and 0% combative way - do you feel it has led you to make concrete and profound changes in the way you live? (it's too recent a publication to ask about whether such changes endure unfortunately).

It led to one concrete change for me. I changed jos into a new sector. I had a plan that I would carry on in my corporate job for another 4 years then go part time , doing a non executive directorship one day a week. I read 10,000 weeks twice, six months apart and got a new job when I was rereading it. I handed in my notice and the reason I know the book was responsible was because I bought it for three colleagues and gave it to them when I left!

It took a while for me to settle down, but I knew it was right to leave. I just wasn't sure if I'd moved to the right place. There was a lot of change. Not for profit sector, 30% pay cut, remote working. But I'm now proud of what I do, it's important work, it's interesting, I have so much more time with my children, team is lovely and I have energy to do things in the evening (changed from 60-40 hour working week).

So 2 years in, very impactful!

Oh sorry, one more thing. I have a tendency to work too much and understanding I will never complete everything that has to be done has really made me log off earlier than I would have earlier. That has also had a big change.

@CheshireSplat Good for you! Big changes are always a bit unsettling at first but that sounds like a great move.