Who should pay for wrap around care?

[Twasthenightbefore]

NC just in case!

My partner and I have been together 8 years, we have 2 primary school age children, the youngest having started this Sept.

He works full time and I work 2 part time jobs to fit around children and school pick ups/drop offs.

I have hated my main job (in education) for a very long time and I work at a pub Fri and Sat night and all day Sunday to top up my income. We have separate finances and all 'joint' expenses are shared 50/50. I've been struggling financially for a long time hence the pub job which is awful pay and takes up my weekends too so I'm constantly exhausted and/or ill.

DP refuses to combine finances, we did for a little while but he felt 'controlled' (we were using the Dave Ramsey method to pay down debt - mostly his! So he had less spending money than he was used to). So we had to go back to separate finances.

I'm at the end of my tether, I struggle to have enough money, I do all of the school runs and get the children ready, most of the cooking, 95% of the mental load plus food shops, washing etc. We do however, share housework.

I've quit both jobs and taken a new full time job which I start in 2 weeks. This was discussed and I kept asking DP to put in a flexible working request so he can do school pick ups (I'll do drop offs). He has now said he can't work flexibly (not put in a formal request) and he can only start and finish an hour earlier so the children will have to do after school club.

AIBU to think he should pay for this? Or am I being unreasonable? Should we be splitting the cost 50/50 and I'm being unreasonable in wanting him to have to adjust his work life to do pick ups like I have been for years at my own 'cost' (i.e. having to work in a job I hate to fit around school hours and working weekends to supplement my income). Am I just being a bit spiteful?!

I don't know if I was clear in my ranting but I mean AIBU to think he should pay for after school club?

You both pay in proportion to your income but he pays the bill (unless they take cash)

These are your joint children so this is 100% a 50/50 shared cost.

This is a question of do two wrongs make a right?

you never should have been sacrificing your career without shared earnings. You have been subsidizing him for years.

it’s also not fair for only one person to pay for child care.

but perhaps he owes you enough in back pay that the imbalance going forward is justified.

This is a hideously imbalanced situation.

It's a joint expense, but you've been subbing him for years and doing way more of the household work (he is not doing 50/50 if you do all the shopping, washing, drop-offs and mental load)

Thank you for your responses, I've just read back from a fresh set of eyes and it does sound like I'm being unreasonable expecting him to pay for after school club. I would be upset if he'd have expected me to pay for it alone.
I guess I'm just feeling frustrated, we'd had many conversations - every time I applied for a job - checking he could make his work fit around that job, to the point where he was getting annoyed with me asking.
I wouldn't have taken the new job if I'd have known he wouldn't do pick ups as I hadn't factored in 50% of the cost of after school club but it's too late now as I start in 2 weeks. I will make it work in sure.

Good lord.

Go and look at what Dave Ramsey says about combining finances if that’s what he subscribes to.

You are supposed to be a team. This doesn’t sound like a partnership to me. It sounds a lot like him having his cake and eating it while you run yourself ragged without the financial protection you need.

Agree, logically this is a 50/50 expense and should be shared. Can he do drop off as he can start an hour earlier?

Why did you have kids with someone who won't share finances and even consider reducing your income when you're not married. Honestly. All shared expenses should be split relative to you take home pay. And get yourself protected financially, it's so risky.

What's the difference in earnings?

expense should be shared BUT the effort pick ups and drop offs shared - so if you do am he picks up after school

This doesn’t sound like a relationship. It just sounds utterly miserable. I want my dh to be a partner. It doesn’t sound like that’s what you’ve got.

This sounds more like a business relationship than a marriage to me.

If he has more free money than you, surely he ensures you don't feel skint or stressed.

This is financial abuse.

You hesitate to get a job that would offer financial benefits to you and the family because he won't pull his weight in terms of home workload or childcare or expenses related to childcare out of the home. He has limited your options while maximizing his.

He's been scrounging off you for years, seeing you break your back managing the home, the children, and your jobs. You are living with an asswipe.

Sit him down and ask him how 50-50 care and financial provision for the children sounds to his imperial high and mightiness.

If you have to ask that question I think the relationship is pretty much dead, but I don't think he brings anything of value to the table here, so if I were you I'd spend part of my first paycheque from the new job on an appointment with a solicitor.

There are 5 before school and 5 afterschool. If you are covering 5 then that is your share, he pays. If the children are in before and after school or he does some of the mornings then split 50/50 seems fair.

How much spending money do you have left over each month once bills and expenditure related to the children is paid for? That will determine who pays and got both deserve equal amounts

If joint children 50:50.

Depends on your incomes. Split according to that.

To add I think he sounds quite selfish and not supportive at all. But that is a separate point.

I mean this as nicely as possible, what exactly does this man bring to the relationship?

You’re working pretty much 24:7 and undertaking childcare, you’re a single mum essentially but with a testosterone lump at home who may pick up the hoover now and again. To add insult to injury, you’re paying off his stupid financial decisions!

He doesn’t want his finances controlled even though he’s brought debt into the relationship which you’ve had to pay off - stop paying it unless he accepts you having some control of it.

Do yourself a favour and never marry this man, you’re being taken for a ride and need to gain some self respect and value of yourself. It’s better to be single than dealing with this. I’m never someone who says leave the B but in this case - more of a hinderance than a partner.

You tried joining finances but he decided he felt “controlled”? Wow! I assume he’s been earning a lot more than you for all these years whilst you’ve struggled? It doesn’t sound like a partnership at all.

Give me this man’s life any day.

No childcare worries.
House clean and food cooked.
Mrs working all week to pay off MY debt.

I cannot believe the audacity of him saying he felt controlled when OP is running herself ragged to pay off his financial debt and look after their kids.

Usually I’m very nuanced on things like this and see both sides, but he seems like an arse in this case.

Do you both earn the same amount? If yes, then according to your system it's 50:50. If not then all expenses should be according to the salary split. And his debts should absolutely not count as a joint expense.

Well, as you have separate finances AND he has decided he cannot do the drop offs, after he said he would, then yes, he should pay.

However, there's a much bigger problem here to do with financial inequality and a relationship filled with (understandable) resentment. Which I'm not sure him paying for some childcare is going to solve.

You really should stop calling him your partner, because he isn't one.

Save as much as you can, leave as soon as you can.