Who should pay for wrap around care?

[Twasthenightbefore]

NC just in case!

My partner and I have been together 8 years, we have 2 primary school age children, the youngest having started this Sept.

He works full time and I work 2 part time jobs to fit around children and school pick ups/drop offs.

I have hated my main job (in education) for a very long time and I work at a pub Fri and Sat night and all day Sunday to top up my income. We have separate finances and all 'joint' expenses are shared 50/50. I've been struggling financially for a long time hence the pub job which is awful pay and takes up my weekends too so I'm constantly exhausted and/or ill.

DP refuses to combine finances, we did for a little while but he felt 'controlled' (we were using the Dave Ramsey method to pay down debt - mostly his! So he had less spending money than he was used to). So we had to go back to separate finances.

I'm at the end of my tether, I struggle to have enough money, I do all of the school runs and get the children ready, most of the cooking, 95% of the mental load plus food shops, washing etc. We do however, share housework.

I've quit both jobs and taken a new full time job which I start in 2 weeks. This was discussed and I kept asking DP to put in a flexible working request so he can do school pick ups (I'll do drop offs). He has now said he can't work flexibly (not put in a formal request) and he can only start and finish an hour earlier so the children will have to do after school club.

AIBU to think he should pay for this? Or am I being unreasonable? Should we be splitting the cost 50/50 and I'm being unreasonable in wanting him to have to adjust his work life to do pick ups like I have been for years at my own 'cost' (i.e. having to work in a job I hate to fit around school hours and working weekends to supplement my income). Am I just being a bit spiteful?!

Where is the team work in this relationship?

Because at the moment it's all on you and he contributes very little

He sounds like a total arse to be honest.

Joint expense but split percentage wise in proportion to salary, so if you earn more you pay more etc

Have you also missed out on pension contributions whilst doing all the school runs etc and not being able to work as much?

I couldn’t live like this. There’s so much wrong with it. I never say this on MN but I’d genuinely be leaving him.

Hang on.... So you're cutting back partly to pay his debt yet he won't share the upside of his earnings with you?

I honestly don't understand how you can bring yourself to share a bed with a man who has been happy to let the mother of his children and life partner put her career on hold and run herself ragged whilst he enjoys "his" money.

In this odd transactional relationship I don't see why you should pay 50/50 for after school given you are doing all the drop-offs. Surely he can either do the pickups as discussed of pay for alternative arrangements?

Stop doing as LL the grunt work and if he doesn't want to share cooking h needs to do another chore instead eg. laundry. I mostly cook for family and my DH does all laundry. He does more housework as I do most driving to and fro college for DC with SN so 100 miles driving 4 days a week.

I’d say that I didn’t care how he arranges the pick ups, but that’s what’s happening going forwards, so either he asks a member of family to cover for him, or pays a childminder/wrap care costs. I don’t think you should go 50/50. Unless you’re wrapping the morning (so you drop early), in which case seems fair that you pay morning wrap and he pays evening wrap?

You are doing drop offs. His 50% of this essential school run task is the pick-ups. So he does pick ups or he pays for childcare.

Or. You alternate drop offs and share the cost of after school club. Your share and his should be proportionate to your incomes - so it's only 50/50 if you each earn roughly the same amount. If he earns more, he pays a higher %.

Does he actually hate you??

There are 10 weekly drop offs / pick ups.
You are doing 5 of them already.
He needs to arrange/pay for cover for the other 5 or pick them up himself.

Hope your new job gives you some financial freedom to decide on what you want from life.

Does he love you OP?

This.

He's a parent too, yet doesn't seem to be doing any of the work of a parent.

Why does he think you're entirely responsible for the care and schooling of children that are also his?

He should also be doing half the sick days and as much time off as you to care for them in the school holidays as you, does he?

I'd be looking at how much child maintenance you'd get if you split from him would you be better off?

You split the childcare 50/50.

you chosen to find a job that allows you to meet your responsibility without additional cost. He hasn’t so he has to pay for childcare.

All child related costs should be paid in proportion to income. So if he earns £40k and you earn £20k, he pays two thirds of child care costs and you pay one third.

His attitude is making me cross and I've never met the man. What a tight wad.

This! You're clearly not compatible if you can't agree joint finances for your joint life, i.e. sharing a home, having kids together, etc. It's just not sustainable. Ultimately, you're probably going to end up separating, sadly.

I would at least be expecting him to put in his formal flexible working request before I'd consider paying for it. He can't be arsed.

The aim of a fair partnership is that free time and money are roughly equal, so he needs to do 50% of the housework, life admin and childcare, while you apportion bills so that each of you has the same amount of money to spend on yourselves after bills are paid. Any arrangement that doesn't accomplish these two goals is not a partnership and means that one of you is being exploited. In your case, that is you.