AIBU to find it off that partner messages my friends

[pliuyawa]

Me and partner have separate groups of friends as well as some mutual. For my group of close friends, he gets on well with them but has started messaging one or two of them without me knowing and then randomly says at some point 'oh yeah, she said she could help with that bla bla' - so I say, oh I didn't know that and then he looks at me blankly and doesn't know why I feel weird about it.

I can't articulate why it bothers me as I love that they get on and I know it's not particular flirty or anything like that, but I wouldn't message his mates without him being on the message, or if I did, I'd mention to him first that I'd message them.

Again, I'm not sure why it bothers me, but that maybe I feel left out that I don't know stuff when they're my mates?

AIBU?

But your partner's friends will become your friends as well if you see them frequently at social events, get along, have mutual interests etc. I talk to one of DP's friends about running gear and running routes a lot (we run, DP doesn't). He talks to some of my friends about cycling and gardening, neither of which I do. And thus someone else's friends become your friends too. This is just how social circles work.

Horses for courses I suppose. I treasure having a wide social group and I love introducing people to each other who I think will get on (and usually they do). Doesn't mean I don't have wonderful individual relationships with them as well.

I also don't like the idea of a "circle" of friends as it implies it's exclusive - I always like meeting new people and expanding the group.

Absolutely no time for friendship "dramas" here either. I like to think I've avoided them by picking friends well.

Ditto. I have different friends for different things. Yes there’s some crossover but there’s others that I know just wouldn’t get on.

And personally I want friends away from my partner. I don’t want him becoming besties with my close circle just as I don’t want to become too close to his mates.

In the 25 years I was with my ex husband I don’t think he met my oldest mates more than a handful of times and vice versa. I think having separate friends as well as mutuals is essential.

I would hate this OP. It’s a line crossed for me

Oh god no! How cringey 😬

I have a friends DH who sends me silly videos, because we both like Alan Partridge and have the same humour, so we'll send each other daft stuff like that. I'll show them to my DH if it's a particularly funny one. It's all out in the open, there's no 'secret' to it. Now and then he'll drop in messages that aren't 'comedy' related. Like he's broken down and is sat round waiting for AA or a photo of a meal he's made that he's particularly proud of.
So I suppose it depends on the context and what's actually being sent.

Dh and I have been together for nearly 20 years. We, inevitably, have friends in common now. But I would absolutely fin dit weird if he just randomly was texting one of "my" friends. I mean, he would 100% send a happy birthday message to my BFF or if he's in charge of the kids but he needs to check on plans with another friend, sure. He shares a weird and specific interest with one of my friends and I know they occasionally text each other when big news happens in that world. But that's about the extent of it and anything more would definitely be weird.

Ditto with his friends. I got in touch with a few of them ahead of his 50th to make plans and there was general chit chat around that or there might be other similar things, but that's it.

Fionaville, I refer you to When Harry Met Sally

I find that weird. It’s like he’s trying to take your place. Has he not his own friends?

we will do it occasionally if needs must, but we always tell the other. And I do occasionally speak on the phone to his male friends when something is being organised, or for example one is recently bereaved and I do that interaction more. But he’s in the room.

Oh God 😅 Blame Alan Partridge! 🤣Well my DH shares the same humour as me, so we're very happy! But he's not a phone messaging kind of person. He gets a message and then phones the person back (I've told him this is the behaviour of a mad man)
I need to weaken my 'sending back funny videos' game, for the sake of my friend!

I have no idea how I would find it because I am long term single. But when a friend added me to a group chat w her and her chap I only ever messaged him there. So even if I wanted to send him e.g congrats on new job I sent it in the group chat. I don't for one second think he would have been remotely interested in me, he adores her completely. But I didn't want her to think i was speaking to him behind her back, would have seemed odd I think.

These responses are so weird. If they are all mutual couple friends then what's the issue? My partner and I often will have a text chat with different members of the friendship group regardless of gender. I love that we are all friends in our own right rather than girls on one side boys on the other.

I think you’ve misread the op. They are not mutual couple friends as such, they are her friends, who yes he will socialise with when in a couples context but they are her friends.

I think it’s weird and there is more to it than he is admitting.

How did he get their numbers? And how did you find out about the messages?

How do you think people become friends?

Most of my friends were someone else's friend first. Then we were introduced, hit i t off, became friends in our own right and not just through a mutual link. Sometimes that mutual link is your partner.

It's so weird to me that people segregate their friends from their partner. When I met DP I wanted to show off all my cool and interesting friends to him, and I wanted to show off my brilliant new man to them. I'd have found it awkward if they just hadn't got on. Mostly they did, hence it's natural they've become friends in their own right.

I personally find it a bit controlling and disrespectful. I've only ever had one relationship like that in the past and he turned out to be the above plus manipulative and thankfully I saw through him and ended the relationship. In your position, I would tell him that it's weird and he needs to stop. He shouldn't require you to give much reasoning. You should be able to say "there are plenty of reasons that I shouldn't need to list". I feel like maybe he is betting on you trying to play it cool and swallowing your discomfort to avoid an awkward conversation and allowing him to carry on.

Ok you’re clearly in the minority. So your partner goes out with your female friends without you and has an independent friendship with them . Fair enough. But you must know that’s not common.

I agree with this. My friends' partners message me, and I message them, as far as I know, my friends have no problem with this. They're not flirty messages. I am single (if that's relevant), and it's often just me and a couple in a few different friendship groups. I don't see the problem.

It's not just common, it's the norm in my circles. People's partners are brought into the larger social group and over time develop individual friendships within that. This has been the case in all the social groups I've been in (and DP too).

Also not sure why you assume all my friends are women?