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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find it off that partner messages my friends

43 replies

pliuyawa · 15/11/2023 11:39

Me and partner have separate groups of friends as well as some mutual. For my group of close friends, he gets on well with them but has started messaging one or two of them without me knowing and then randomly says at some point 'oh yeah, she said she could help with that bla bla' - so I say, oh I didn't know that and then he looks at me blankly and doesn't know why I feel weird about it.

I can't articulate why it bothers me as I love that they get on and I know it's not particular flirty or anything like that, but I wouldn't message his mates without him being on the message, or if I did, I'd mention to him first that I'd message them.

Again, I'm not sure why it bothers me, but that maybe I feel left out that I don't know stuff when they're my mates?

AIBU?

OP posts:
VanityDiesHard · 15/11/2023 11:45

Your post is a little too vague to say, but I would say that if he is messaging more than one of them it is most likely quite innocuous. If he were always messaging the same one, that MIGHT be cause for concern, but even that isn't a given. I wouldn't go so far as to say you are BU, but unless he has a history of dodgy behaviour I wouldn't say you had anything to worry about. Plus, if he was messaging them inappropriate stuff, couldn't you trust them to tell you? If you couldn't, then you have a problem with them, as well.

Consideringachange2023 · 15/11/2023 11:46

Yes it would bother me under these circumstances, it wouldn’t bother me for the occasional thing like saying happy birthday or checking plans etc. But general day to day chit chat without you being involved and then suggesting he’s going to be helping them with things…. Hmm no I wouldn’t be pleased.

I don’t know exactly why I don’t like it but I’ll make a few suggestions-

  1. they are my friends and my support when I am having a hard time with DP and therefore i want that separation and neutrality between the two.
  2. in the majority of the times, a man randomly messaging a woman who is not either a family member or old friend / colleague is doing it for ulterior motives. Whether it’s an ego massage, the thrill of chatting to other women, being the “hero” and getting kicks from being seen as such a “great guy” or because they are trying to position themselves for some kind of sexual interaction.

so no, unless they had a good solid friendship prior and this has always been the case, I wouldn’t like this sudden communication.

what do your friends say? I’d feel awkward af if my mates partners just started randomly messaging me to chat

PlayOasis · 15/11/2023 11:49

I wouldn’t like that either although I can’t imagine anyone I’ve been in a relationship with doing it. At the very least is is not appropriate and a bit weird.

Watchthedoormat · 15/11/2023 11:49

Is he controlling?
Could be that he's trying to befriend them so he can keep tabs on you, for example if you're out with them a text to one of them if you didn't answer your phone etc. It would make it seem less controlling if he was already texting buddies with them.
He could ask things like "Did you enjoy the meal at X?" seemingly innocently but really checking that you were where you said you were.

PlayOasis · 15/11/2023 11:50

If a friend’s partner did that to me I would suspect an ulterior motive.

BohemondofAntioch · 15/11/2023 13:14

Not sure how to ask this but are they attractive, single friends?

Mamabear48 · 15/11/2023 13:17

I wouldn’t look to much into it it’s nice he gets on with them and is making an effort with your friends. My partner has always done this with my friends and I’ve never thought anything bad about it

beanii · 15/11/2023 13:27

Sounds like you're jealous or don't trust him.

Hearmenow23 · 15/11/2023 13:29

This is seriously weird and there must be other red flags. Is he controlling? I wonder what your friends think?? Of my dh did this I'd find it really inappropriate. How long have you been together?

SamW98 · 15/11/2023 13:29

PlayOasis · 15/11/2023 11:49

I wouldn’t like that either although I can’t imagine anyone I’ve been in a relationship with doing it. At the very least is is not appropriate and a bit weird.

I agree. Other than the odd polite hello, there’s no need for a partner to privately message MY friendship circle. Mutuals absolutely fine but my close friends no, it’s overly familiar and frankly odd.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 15/11/2023 13:31

It is a bit weird. I remember my ex friend-requesting my friends on FB even though he'd never met/spoken to them, I posted on here at the time but was told I was controlling to have an issue with it

INGoldtime · 15/11/2023 13:31

I wouldn't like this at all. They are YOUR friends who just happen to know him. Why does he even have their phone numbers?
I would be asking him just why does he feel the need to message them.

Sconehenge · 15/11/2023 13:31

This would bother me too, my DP is lovely and my friends all love him and we have group WhatsApp’s but I wouldn’t expect him to be private messaging any of my friends unless it was like, organising my birthday, inviting them to something, offering condolences if something bad happened like a parent is sick. The exception to this is memes on Instagram as I always exchange funny memes with a few of my friend’s boyfriends but it is literally just memes back and forth and nothing else.

CampervanKween · 15/11/2023 13:32

It depends if you're someone who doesn't think men and women can be friends without having an ulterior motive? We have mutual friends and I'll message both the men and women without any issues as they're all my friends. Seems strange to be bothered about it or want to segregate your friends like this 🤔

blackheartsgirl · 15/11/2023 13:37

Nah that’s weird. I wouldn’t like that at all.

the only time I didn’t mind was when my late dh and my friend were messaging each other over my Xmas and rather depressingly but lovely he and my friends were messaging each other when he was so poorly near the end and the subject matter was me and the kids anyway.

SamW98 · 15/11/2023 13:46

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 15/11/2023 13:31

It is a bit weird. I remember my ex friend-requesting my friends on FB even though he'd never met/spoken to them, I posted on here at the time but was told I was controlling to have an issue with it

My ex did the same. Sent friend requests to my close circle - most of whom he’d never met at that time.

He was a narcissistic control freak though

AmazingSnakeHead · 15/11/2023 14:11

CampervanKween · 15/11/2023 13:32

It depends if you're someone who doesn't think men and women can be friends without having an ulterior motive? We have mutual friends and I'll message both the men and women without any issues as they're all my friends. Seems strange to be bothered about it or want to segregate your friends like this 🤔

But the OP specifically said that these are her friends, and not mutual friends. That's what makes it weird.

I completely understand OP, I wonder whether there is a way to raise it with your friends that seems normal? Have you seen the tone of the messages?

I have male friends who I message and think nothing of, I know but am not close to their girlfriends. But if my best friend's husband started messaging me I'd find this really weird, even though I have known him much longer and am better friends with him than some of the male friends who I think nothing of messaging!

LanaBeady · 15/11/2023 14:17

I would hate that. Not because I'd think he was flirting or whatever, but because I value my friendships as separate relationships from the relationship I have with my partner. In the same way, I'm perfectly friendly towards his friends, but I'm not friends with them.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to share absolutely everything. People need to have an independent life as well as a 'couple' life.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2023 14:21

It's a lot weird, and I wouldn't like it at all. It smacks of control to me. How long have you been with him?

Nogooddeed7 · 15/11/2023 14:34

Not sure I like it OP but I don’t know why. It just feels off

TheHawkisHowling · 15/11/2023 14:38

It wouldn't bother me, but I have a the more the merrier attitude with my friends. I'd like him to be making friends with my friends and vice versa, so I'd be pleased they were getting on well independently of me.

gannett · 15/11/2023 14:43

It's more bizarre to find this weird. Why wouldn't you want your partner to be friends with your friends? Just like I want my friends to be friends with each other. They're all people I rate highly so why wouldn't they get on? It can make various logistics down the line much easier, too. And in group situations I don't have to be the sole link keeping the conversation going. I always felt a little happier inside once I realised DP had started to develop independent relationships with my friends.

I've messaged plenty of his friends one-on-one and I'm sure he's messaged plenty of my friends too. To be honest after a decade a lot of my friends and his friends are just our friends now.

Tonight1 · 15/11/2023 14:44

I texted with ex's best friend but that's because I did some work for him, so stuff like running late, can't do tomorrow etc. We did end up becoming friends (think better friends than with ex!), but he's gay, no flirting.

Not sure how I'd feel about general chit chat. Frequency would be key.

Aurasauras · 15/11/2023 14:45

I had a partner who went round to their houses! It was all a little odd. Didn’t end well.

LanaBeady · 15/11/2023 14:50

Why wouldn't you want your partner to be friends with your friends? Just like I want my friends to be friends with each other

See, I don't want my friends to be friends with each other either. If they happen to be friends with one another already, fine. But I value my friendships for the very different and wonderful things they bring to my life. I would find being part of 'circle of friends' very cloying and claustrophobic. And you can see on MN how many adult women end up in ridiculous "friendship dramas" when they have never moved on from having a "friendship group" at school.