Ending my relationship with the man I love

[pestolady]

I’m a German who has been living in the UK for the last 15 years. My DP is from Singapore with a South Asian background. We met in London a few years ago and we live together here. We were talking about starting TTC but I’m not sure that’s a good idea anymore and I’m even thinking about ending the relationship because:

1. We decided we will live in the UK long term but during the last two years, he keeps repeating that he wants to move back to Singapore, even when I have said that I don’t want to live there. He’s even told me that he has to because he has to look after his parents (both of them are good and still working). When I ask him if we would move to Germany so I can spend time with my parents too, he openly says that it won’t be possible.
2. I love the UK ,but I feel very isolated here. More of my friends moved out or have left the country after Covid. I work mainly from home, and I can spend days without talking to anyone face to face except for my DP. I miss my family and friends back in my country more and more everyday. I feel lonely and I don’t know if living here is what I want to do for the rest of my life. It seems if I want to be with him I won't have the chance to move back at any point.

My DP is a great man and he will be a good father. I do love him and he loves me, but what puts me off it's that he expects me to follow him, and some aspects of his culture are very difficult for me. I’m not the type of person who would sacrifice everything for love.
AIBU? My friend says I’m overthinking it but I think having a child it’s a life changing decision and I don't want to be linked to the wrong person for life.

I'd break up with him in your shoes. You don't sound compatible long term.

You need to put the foot down, why are his parents more important than yours?

I wouldn’t stay with him personally. He sounds selfish and set in his ways.

Don’t do it. I had children with someone from a different culture and it didn’t work out. Lots of reasons but some of it was different upbringings, different expectations. If he isn’t prepared to follow you for love, don’t do it for him

Get out while you can. Go home to your parents and find people of similar background to yourself. Don't have children with this man - he doesn't see you as an equal, he doesn't think your views are worthy of consideration.

I wouldn't do it. He's telling you what's going to happen and I don't think the desire to move home goes away. Neither of you want to stay in London, you both want to return to your home countries, I think maybe best to go separate ways.

YANBU to feel how you feel.

How old are you? How much do you want children? How disappointed would you feel if you broke up with this man and couldn’t find another similarly serious relationship in time to have children? I’m not saying you should stay with him for that reason - and it doesn’t sound like you want to - but maybe worth thinking about how much of a factor this is for you.

He keeps repeating that he wants to move back to Singapore, even when I have said that I don’t want to live there. He’s even told me that he has to because he has to look after his parents (both of them are good and still working). When I ask him if we would move to Germany so I can spend time with my parents too, he openly says that it won’t be possible.

This is a huge red flag. You have to move to his home country because he feels such a strong sense of duty, but that sense of duty doesn't extend to you or your parents! If you choose to have a child with this man and then find that he puts himself and his family ahead of your needs and that of your child, you can't say you weren't warned.

You're not compatible. If/ when you go to Singapore ( so you don't lose him etc) you'll be even more isolated and dependant on a man who doesn't respect you and years will have passed and/or you will have children so you won't be able to leave without his consent ( it won't be coming.)

Will you even be able to work there? If not worst of all worlds - isolated, no independence, no respect from partner, no ability to see family, no money ..... Grim.

Break it off and return home. , he can support parents etc whatever as he wishes.

Your misgivings are sound, pestolady. Trust your instincts.

As you care so much for each other, it will be a sad parting and I do feel for you. However, time heals and you will both move on.

Of course, your partner may do an about-turn and tell you he will stay here because he loves you, and not expect you to follow him back to Singapore.

I think your concerns are really valid. And it's not fair of your partner to spring the news on you that he wants to move to Singapore if the agreement between you was to live in the UK. The parameters have now changed, so has your compatibility, unfortunately.

You’ve experienced a great love. You can’t follow him to Singapore as you are self aware enough to know that this would make you unhappy. I had a great love in my twenties but culturally it just would not have worked, we both knew and accepted this. I don’t regret it. I think of him as a brilliant part of my life. I love my DH deeply and he is the best father to our child. You can have many loves in your life but ultimately only you can make you happy. Germany is a great country, your family and adventure awaits you there too.

Go home to Germany, find a man who is happy there, have a child.

I know that sounds simplistic but if you want a child I can't see any other course of action.

This man isn't right for you.

tbf Singapore is an amazing place to live. but I voted YANBU because I feel that him blanket prioritising his own family over yours is a bad sign. I'm south Asian and unfortunately the cultural values are generally misogynistic and family expectations can often reinforce toxic gender stereotypes

I'd suggest trying couples counselling before walking away. Some people just need a kick up the butt to get them to see what they should already be seeing.

I know you love him, OP, but love is just a matter of circumstance and availability. If you end this relationship, you'll sooner or later find yourself "in love with" someone else. And I don't mean that in a bad way! Just that partners are not indispensable, however much you love them (unlike your children).

I would end it and have a complete change and go back to Germany. Fab place!

Go to Singapore for a holiday, talk about living there & what life might look like. There’s a big, vibrant international community. If you really love him, go there to absorb temporarily with an open mind. Then make a decision & plans.

YANBU. You can really love someone and the relationship still might not work out because timing / circumstances / long term goals etc aren’t right. You sound quite clear on the things that are essential to your happiness - your relationship won’t work if you have to give up those things.

I’m sorry for you - it’s a hard situation with no clear resolution. I hope you’re ok.

I know an ex couple... she was clear that she wanted to move home to her country once there were children, he was clear that he didn't want this. They decided to have children and get married and it would sort itself out. By the time the second child arrived she took the children and moved home, they divorced shortly after when he hated being there. If he is telling you this, i'd take him at his word. If you really see a future, maybe get a therapist to help you to really discuss this and set expectations. I think i'd walk away though.

So very sorry, I can't see this working for you. Have you ever been to Singapore? I've just returned and it was so very hot and sticky - as well as sterile. Not for me.

At least he has been honest with you about his plans - valuing you & your family beneath him & his.
Wave goodbye to a selfish misogynist.

It's not about going to Singapore, it's about his stance that they HAVE to go to Singapore but he WON'T go to Germany.

Your concerns are valid. You’re right to end it. Love doesn’t matter ultimately when it’s face to face with fundamental incompatibilities like what continent to live on. DH and I have moved countries multiple times for one another’s jobs, and though it’s a strong, committed, happy relationship, and we’ve taken it in turns to lead moves, it’s not always been straightforward.

@heldinadream & OP would he visit Germany? If he’s really that intransigent & won’t compromise at all he isn’t in love by my standards. Does he feel a filial piety pressure, can you talk to him & does he open up?

Um
If you both go to Singapore to look after his parents, it won't be him doing the looking after, will it?
It will be you.
Is that ok with you?