Ending my relationship with the man I love

[pestolady]

I’m a German who has been living in the UK for the last 15 years. My DP is from Singapore with a South Asian background. We met in London a few years ago and we live together here. We were talking about starting TTC but I’m not sure that’s a good idea anymore and I’m even thinking about ending the relationship because:

1. We decided we will live in the UK long term but during the last two years, he keeps repeating that he wants to move back to Singapore, even when I have said that I don’t want to live there. He’s even told me that he has to because he has to look after his parents (both of them are good and still working). When I ask him if we would move to Germany so I can spend time with my parents too, he openly says that it won’t be possible.
2. I love the UK ,but I feel very isolated here. More of my friends moved out or have left the country after Covid. I work mainly from home, and I can spend days without talking to anyone face to face except for my DP. I miss my family and friends back in my country more and more everyday. I feel lonely and I don’t know if living here is what I want to do for the rest of my life. It seems if I want to be with him I won't have the chance to move back at any point.

My DP is a great man and he will be a good father. I do love him and he loves me, but what puts me off it's that he expects me to follow him, and some aspects of his culture are very difficult for me. I’m not the type of person who would sacrifice everything for love.
AIBU? My friend says I’m overthinking it but I think having a child it’s a life changing decision and I don't want to be linked to the wrong person for life.

You sound like you are being very practical and sensible. Listen to your gut.

I think this is right, I’m afraid.

You aren’t compatible, as you both want very different things from your future.

Singapore does offer a nice quality of life but I found it soulless and boring. This will be a major adjustment after London even without the caring for parents element.

I would move back to Germany asap. You are on completely different pages, and it will get harder as both sets of parents age.

@Bluetrews25 No, he doesn't expect me to do the looking after, he knows it's his duty.

His parents don't need to be looked after at the moment. They're healthy and independent people.

I've been to Singapore several times. I'm happy to visit but it's not a place I want to live. Not my lifestyle.

If you work remotely you can work anywhere in the world be it in England or Germany. But not in Singapore. Your partner doesn't seem to respect you, so if you followed him you'd be on the slippery slope to becoming a maid of all work for him and his parents.

He's breaking his word and he needs to be let go. Perhaps you wouldbe happier in a small town ir village where people are friendlier. Failing that, force yourself to engage in a class or activity where like-minded folk will gather.

What a silly post. Why would you assume the OP has no experience of Singapore and doesn’t have a well-informed knowledge of why she doesn’t want to live there?

Break up with your DP, go back home to Germany to be with your family and friends and find a nice German boy to settle down with.

As sad as it will be, I think you’re being very sensible and very brave. You’re anticipating the problems you’ll face down the line and understanding just how unhappy you’ll have to be for your relationship to stand any chance of working out.

You’re doing the right thing by ending it now; it will only get harder to do the longer you leave it 💐

Poorly put, by me, but travel & communication to try to facilitate open minded flexibility all round/both of them, before throwing in towel, worth a shot. Likely OP has tried.

Go home to Germany. It seems to be where your heart is.

Don't marry him or procreate with him. He wants a one-way relationship, where you make all the sacrifices. He is showing you a profound lack of respect. This relationship won't work for the long term.

His parents don't need to be looked after at the moment. They're healthy and independent people
That could change at any time.

No, he doesn't expect me to do the looking after, he knows it's his duty
Until he is faced with the situation of them needing help.

what puts me off it's that he expects me to follow him, and some aspects of his culture are very difficult for me. I’m not the type of person who would sacrifice everything for love
You need to end this relationship even though you love him because you know that it is not right for you.
He has moved the goalposts by now insisting on moving to Singapore. He is refusing to consider Germany and it sounds like you want to be back in Germany. So sadly you are no longer compatible because you want different things.

Exactly this.

Is very selfish man and only cares about himself and his own family.

He doesn't care about what you want at all.

The South Asian culture is very strong and it will be very difficult for you to cope with his family.

My best friend at school was South Asian and her mother told her not to marry a South Asian because you are marrying the whole family.

Honestly I would one hundred percent leave this relationship. Coming from an Asian background myself, there are many cultural expectations that you will find hard to adapt to. He will move back home and look after his parents. You will more than likely end up living with them. They will be very involved in any future dc you have. They will have a big say in his life, therefore yours. He will not adapt to you and there is no chance he would be happy for the two of you to do the same for your parents.

Singapore is an interesting place to visit for about a week, but the politics are repressive and the climate is hideous.

My partner of 30 years is south asian (I am white) and we were both brought up in the UK. I really underestimated how deeply ingrained cultural differences can be. He will jump whenever his parents tell him to, even though he objectively can see that their requests are not always reasonable - it is expected and very difficult to throw off the expectations he has grown up with. Looking after parents in older age is very much part of this and much of the burden is traditionally put upon daughters in law.

Your partner has already been clear about what he wants and expects to do. I would recommend you listen and come to a decision about what you are prepared to compromise on. You may genuinely love each other and have shared many happy times, but it sounds as though your preferences for future life do not align, however hard it is to accept this. I hope all works out well for you as it sounds very difficult.

Please don't plan a long term future with someone who has told you very clearly that his parents are more important to him than you are.

It is sad to end a relationship with someone you love OP
But it’s short term pain for long term gain.

loving someone really isn’t enough when faced with serious conflicting needs. You want to be in Germany, he does not. He wants to be in Singapore, you do not.
Love can’t answer that equation, it’s a sad fact of life that often we have to move on from people even when the love is still there.

You’ll be ok, sad for a while but better off in the long run