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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How late is too late for extra-curriculars

47 replies

LilLucky · 14/11/2023 15:34

DD is 12, in Y8, has a hobby she loves and is about to move up a level. Currently she starts at 6 and finishes at 7.30 twice a week, 6-8 another day then weekend.
In the next level it would be 8-10 3 days a week, and in a year it would be every night if she wants to take it really seriously (8-10 3 nights, 8-9.30 two nights, then weekends too). DD is adamant she wants to do it and wants a career from this hobby.
I'm worried 10pm finishes at 12 are too late, thats her bedtime currently!! She would still have to fit in seeing friends, piano lessons and homework too.
AIBU to think this is too much too late??

OP posts:
storypushers · 14/11/2023 15:36

It seems very late. By the time she's got home and settled you're talking about a late night. Maybe you could try it. Is it a hobby? Something she could make a career out of? I'm guessing very competitive. Seems a shame to say no but you're a family and not just one person. I'd say try it with some conditions. Also are the piano lessons imperative?

Ascubudr · 14/11/2023 15:37

It would be a pity for her to give u if she is really good at it. I wpuld just make sure she gets to bed promptly afterwards.

What is your morning routine can any of that be streamlined to give her more time in bed ?

Original poster
LilLucky · 14/11/2023 15:39

storypushers · 14/11/2023 15:36

It seems very late. By the time she's got home and settled you're talking about a late night. Maybe you could try it. Is it a hobby? Something she could make a career out of? I'm guessing very competitive. Seems a shame to say no but you're a family and not just one person. I'd say try it with some conditions. Also are the piano lessons imperative?

She could make a career out of it, but it would be extremely difficult. She doesn't want to quit piano, I can teacher her though so it isn't so bad.

OP posts:
seadreams · 14/11/2023 15:40

Is it ballet? I did similar 3-5 nights a week as a teenager.

Original poster
LilLucky · 14/11/2023 15:40

Ascubudr · 14/11/2023 15:37

It would be a pity for her to give u if she is really good at it. I wpuld just make sure she gets to bed promptly afterwards.

What is your morning routine can any of that be streamlined to give her more time in bed ?

She has to get the train to school so we are a little limited.

OP posts:
storypushers · 14/11/2023 15:41

Will this massively affect siblings? It seems like a big commitment but a real shame to quit if she loves it.

Original poster
LilLucky · 14/11/2023 15:43

seadreams · 14/11/2023 15:40

Is it ballet? I did similar 3-5 nights a week as a teenager.

Dance more generally, but it is mainly ballet, with some "fun" classes too, like contemporary, Commercial and Acro. She doesn't compete so its just exams and the others are just fun.

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 14/11/2023 15:44

Giving up needs to be her choice. If she doesn’t try due to your reluctance she’ll never forgive you and will have a lifelong narrative of, ‘I could have been a … but mum didn’t let me.’
Also don’t underestimate the importance of hobbies that keep a teen busy and focused.

randomsabreuse · 14/11/2023 15:45

If she can be organised and get all homework and practice done before the activity and have an early dinner so she just gets back, shower, bed afterwards it's probably not impossible if she sees it as a future career option.

If she's tired getting up then the activity needs to take a step back

Original poster
LilLucky · 14/11/2023 15:46

storypushers · 14/11/2023 15:41

Will this massively affect siblings? It seems like a big commitment but a real shame to quit if she loves it.

Our other DD is 8, it is only a 5 minute walk away so not too bad, DH or I would go meet her and the other stay home with DD2 who would be in bed. There would be the odd time where DH wouldn't be home yet so I'm not sure what we would do then as I don't know if I like the thought of her walking home alone at 10pm, in the dark etc. as it is London and it only takes a second for something bad to happen.

OP posts:
notmorezoom · 14/11/2023 15:47

So til 9.30 or 10 every night of the week? What's the activity? How realistic is the 'make a career out of it' thing, as this will definitely impact on GCSE and A levels.........

PuttingDownRoots · 14/11/2023 15:47

How do think she will cope? Mine would be in bits (she's asleep by 9) ut her younger sister would probably be fine in a couple of years, she's out later than sister (at clubs) already.

CurlewKate · 14/11/2023 15:48

Is it feasible that she might make a career out of it? Can you say what it is?

Rosieumbrella · 14/11/2023 15:50

Does she always have to stay for the whole lesson? I don’t think it is that late for a 12 year old, but I have a 9 year old who does dance and she just moved up into a new group that has one lesson at 7:30-10:00. They let the younger ones stay until 9:00 to start with and increase their hours - maybe your school would let your dad do that?

CurlewKate · 14/11/2023 15:50

Sorry-I've seen you've said it's ballet. Time for a serious talk with her teacher- by her age the teacher should have some idea of her potential.

Original poster
LilLucky · 14/11/2023 15:51

CurlewKate · 14/11/2023 15:48

Is it feasible that she might make a career out of it? Can you say what it is?

It is dance. She wants to be a dancer or dance teacher so it isn't impossible.

OP posts:
notmorezoom · 14/11/2023 15:53

If she's that serious, I'd send her to a dance/theatre school.

alwaysonadiet1 · 14/11/2023 15:56

I would let her do it for a term and keep a close eye on her tiredness levels and ability to manage homework on top. If she has a real talent for dance I wouldn't want to quash it unless it's adversely affecting other areas.

Shivermetimbersmearty · 14/11/2023 15:57

Let her do it. I was a dancer in my teens and really regret giving it up. I’ve since restarted it and it’s something which can carry you through the stress of exams etc. and you can do it well into your 80’s.

It doesn’t need to affect studies. Teenagers do a lot is pissing about when parents think they’re studying anyway!

12 might seem young, but in a year or two that will be a normal finish. Of she is coming home and straight to bed, it’s not that bad.

it’s no different to kids who swim getting up at 5am every morning, but it’s less frowned upon because they’re up early instead of up late.

alwaysonadiet1 · 14/11/2023 16:01

Can you order her a taxi home on the odd night no one can pick her up? I wouldn't want her walking home alone at that time either.

CurlewKate · 14/11/2023 16:01

I'm a bit surprised at the every night a week thing. I wouldn't want that for a 13 year old unless they were super talented and heading for a potential career.

CurlewKate · 14/11/2023 16:02

Is she talented enough for a specialist school?

TheCompactPussycat · 14/11/2023 16:06

If she's really serious, I would let her do it and see how it goes.

I have 2 friends whose sons play sport seriously at national level - one for England U18's in his sport and another who is likely to be representing Team GB at the next olympics. Neither of them got there by thinking that training went on past bedtime.

minipie · 14/11/2023 16:09

That’s a lot especially if it is physical - if so I’d be worries about risk of injury from doing it while tired as well.

Is there a different club she could swap to which has sessions at a more reasonable time?

Comefromaway · 14/11/2023 16:10

I think it's too much. Dd went to full time dance school from the age of 11 but was finished by 6pm every night except for show weeks. Ds stayed at home and did dance/music/drama classes. He did until 9.30pm twice a week. Any nore would have been too exhausting.