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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lend money to family?

38 replies

Sunnylove22 · 14/11/2023 13:17

BIL was sacked from his job a couple of weeks ago - he doesn’t think it’s his fault but nevertheless a month before Christmas. He says he can afford all his bills but will struggle to buy food shopping and very few Christmas presents. He has just got a job with an agency so will have some money right before Christmas.

We have come into £300 unexpectedly which we were going to put into our summer holiday find. DH has asked if he could lend it to his brother to tide him over until Christmas. (I’ve agreed as I wouldn’t want to see anyone struggle but in the back of my mind thinking we won’t see this money again).

BIL initially said he would manage and doesn’t want it however phoned this morning and asked if we can still help him. I’m more reluctant now as over the weekend on the dreaded socials we saw his wife and 3 kids, go out for breakfast, go to a soft play, get a McDonald’s, it looks like she had a heavy drinking night and out on the town then out for Sunday dinner.

DH still wants to lend him the money. I won’t say no if he insists but I do think I should point out the fact of we’re helping but his wife looks to be spending as she pleases (she doesn’t work so has no income, they don’t have savings). We haven’t spoken about it as DH went to work early but AIBU by pointing this out?

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 14/11/2023 13:20

Personally I’d only lend money if I didn’t care if I got it back. I’d say it depends on your own circumstances and if you could accept never seeing the £300 again

whatsmynameaga1n · 14/11/2023 13:21

If you’ve already offered and you trust them to pay it back I would follow through to be honest.

I wouldn’t point out his wife’s spending, that’s bound to cause an argument.

Lovemychair · 14/11/2023 13:22

Only lend what you can afford to lose.

Lizzieregina · 14/11/2023 13:24

Yes I’d consider it a gift honestly as you might never see it again. And once you fork it over, you have no say in how it will be spent.

betterangels · 14/11/2023 13:24

Just be prepared not to get it back.

justalittlesnoel · 14/11/2023 13:24

If you need the money back I wouldn't lend it to them, you can't know you'll get it back and that could cause resentment.

I'd be mentioning the weekend social media posts tbh - if someone's happy to come asking for money then they can't be posting big spending weekends all over social media.

Could you offer to pick up some food shopping bits for him? Then you're helping and providing but not giving cash that'll annoy you if you think it's being splashed all over social media too.

Riverlee · 14/11/2023 13:26

Be prepared that you won’t get it back or they will fritter it away.

I would also put a cap on it and say there’s no more after this.

Maybe don’t

i wouldn’t show dh the stuff from last weekend - that may have been pre-planned with friends etc, but going forward, it doesn’t do any harm if they keep living it up.

Could you perhaps give the money in Tesco vouchers etc instead of transferring the money?

tanstaafl · 14/11/2023 13:28

As @Riverlee says

*I would also put a cap on it and say there’s no more after this.

Could you perhaps give the money in Tesco vouchers etc instead of transferring the money?*

VWT5 · 14/11/2023 13:29

Personally I couldn’t do that,(based on his DW not working and her social activities all in the face of his known redundancy).

If your DH is insistent, then I would want a definite “event” earmarked for the money to be returned in Feb.
”We can loan you this until Feb, but it is earmarked to pay a pre-booked weekend away/other birthday/important event, we have to have the money back by then”

(So they know they are letting you down if they fail). Have it in writing.

(I had a similar more £££ request, only to realise the individual was funding a cleaner, gardener and stabling on the money they wanted me to lend (when I would never be able to fund any of these things for myself)

jannier · 14/11/2023 13:33

I was lend it, until I saw the bit about breakfast etc. Having been a childminder who's not been paid due to financial disaster then found out what's been spent on I've learned that people's idea of hard up isn't mine so I'd be telling oh how I feel and let him decide what's 3 breakfasts £15 if cheap soft play another £ 15 or more that's a food budget for a week if your careful

Draculina · 14/11/2023 13:37

I never understand those who talk about lending money away only if they don't expect it back. Isn't that called "giving money away" rather than "lending" it? If you lend someone something, it's a loan, and you expect it back - if you don't expect / want / need your belongings back, then it's a give-away, no?

Anyway, I would think twice about lending the money purely because of the wife's over-spending. But, if you have good experiences with lending your brother-in-law things, and him honouring the loans, then I would care less about the over-spending and just lend them the money. Under the understanding that it needs to be paid back within a reasonable amount of time, because it's not fair that familiar should miss out on £300 just because your sister-in-law wants McDonald's.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 14/11/2023 13:41

If you can afford to lose the £300 then I would lend it. If you get it back, great. If you don't then you know to never lend them anything again.

If you can't afford it or you need that money for treats or gifts or something then I would say no. Because if you don't get it back then it will sour relationships for a long time.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/11/2023 13:42

Even to family, I'd only lend money if I knew that I would get it back or that I wouldn't care if I didn't get it back.

£300 is a sizeable amount of money. Can you live without the money if you're never repaid it? I realise you said that you were going to put it towards your own holiday fund, but could that holiday fund become an emergency fund if it was required for your own needs? Could you live without it then??

Dawn17 · 14/11/2023 13:48

I completely sympathise. My grandparents had left me and my brother money, not a fortune, just a few thousand(which actually is a fortune to me).
My brother blew his quickly. He then announced he was getting married and his wife to be asked if they could borrow some money towards the wedding as they knew I'd still got my inheritance. She came round to my house one Sunday morning and really put the pressure on. However, I'd seen his post on Facebook the day before saying they'd booked a fantastic holiday abroad to get good tans and relax before the wedding. I was having two nights at a B & B in the lake district which was all I could afford, as I wanted to keep my inheritance for emergencies. I told her I knew they'd booked a holiday and surely they should have used that money to pay for the wedding. They fell out with me and I was no longer invited to the wedding.

OhComeOnFFS · 14/11/2023 13:50

No, it doesn't sound as though you're rich. Hold onto your money. They are spending money as though they're both working. You'll never see that £300 again and they will turn nasty if you ask for it back, too.

billy1966 · 14/11/2023 13:56

Unbelievable that you or your husband would entertain this when you have children and an unexpected bill could drop into your own lap.

Those weekend outings are not the actions of someone stuck.

What sort of savings do YOU have?

If £300 is such a big deal to you, you really should be putting it away for your own children not give it to someone as a gift.

It is a gift if you will never see it again.

Do you really have the savings and income to be gifting your BIL £300?

friendlycat · 14/11/2023 14:02

If you don’t have the money to gift this then no.

His wife is being rather silly spending like this at the moment. I would point out to your DH what you saw as well. Then he might have a different perspective himself.

pontipinemum · 14/11/2023 14:03

It doesn't really sound like they are stuck.

I don't think I would lend it. I doubt you'd get it back!

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 14/11/2023 14:04

You will probably never get it back. Lending money to anyone is always a mistake.

IncompleteSenten · 14/11/2023 14:06

I think I'd be saying oh, I thought you'd sorted it out when I saw X post about blah blah on Facebook.

HermioneWeasley · 14/11/2023 14:07

If your only cushion is that £300 then you really don’t have it to spare

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 14/11/2023 14:09

Either give it as a gift or don't give it at all.

Motnight · 14/11/2023 14:11

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 14/11/2023 14:09

Either give it as a gift or don't give it at all.

This. You can't dictate how it will be spent.

You are unlikely to get the money back.

historyrepeatz · 14/11/2023 14:14

Resentment will build. This was already offered so I would talk to your DH. If you are happy to lend this money (knowing you might not be repaid) then ask DH to make it clear that you don't have the means to loan or give anymore after that. A lot of people loan money without thinking about when they may be repaid or making any arrangements. You said you were going to put that towards your summer holiday so DH could ask if they will be able to repay it by then.

Peanutcookies · 14/11/2023 14:15

Can you just let them know circumstances have changed and you’ve already committed/ spent the money?

it would annoy me too, if they’re so hard up that £300 would make a huge difference, then they shouldn’t be doing spendy weekends.

As others have said, breakfast will be at least £20/30, soft play £15, McDonalds £30, drinks at least £20-50, dinner for a family at least £50. That’s just one weekend