To lend money to family?

[Sunnylove22]

BIL was sacked from his job a couple of weeks ago - he doesn’t think it’s his fault but nevertheless a month before Christmas. He says he can afford all his bills but will struggle to buy food shopping and very few Christmas presents. He has just got a job with an agency so will have some money right before Christmas.

We have come into £300 unexpectedly which we were going to put into our summer holiday find. DH has asked if he could lend it to his brother to tide him over until Christmas. (I’ve agreed as I wouldn’t want to see anyone struggle but in the back of my mind thinking we won’t see this money again).

BIL initially said he would manage and doesn’t want it however phoned this morning and asked if we can still help him. I’m more reluctant now as over the weekend on the dreaded socials we saw his wife and 3 kids, go out for breakfast, go to a soft play, get a McDonald’s, it looks like she had a heavy drinking night and out on the town then out for Sunday dinner.

DH still wants to lend him the money. I won’t say no if he insists but I do think I should point out the fact of we’re helping but his wife looks to be spending as she pleases (she doesn’t work so has no income, they don’t have savings). We haven’t spoken about it as DH went to work early but AIBU by pointing this out?

Tell bil that since your original offer and his refusal, you've spent £x amount of your spare cash so £300 is no longer available but you could still lend him £x, .... or offer supermarket vouchers to the value you've agreed to lend.

Be interesting to note his reaction.

Nope he got sacked, that doesn’t just happen, he would have had warnings and chose to not do anything

likewise wifey can get of her arse and get a job

never a lender or borrower be, sure if a genuine emergency, both working and bill for car repair or something ok, but I would want a clear repayment programme

in your case, no way

It wouldn't be wrong to point out that his wife has been out splashing money around when they are supposed to be in a tight spot and that that doesn't add up. If said to the brother or wife, though, it will probably cause much annoyance and anger. The alternative to mentioning that would be to find some excuse for not advancing the money, e.g, an unexpected bill or unforeseen circumstance - as a compromise, he could say he can only manage half.

If you do mention it and refuse the money...
Your husband has offered which is a huge comfort and morale boost to his brother at a time when he is in a precarious position. If he withdraws the offer that is going to feel like a massive letdown and psychological blow. It will cause acute hurt feelings and will appear like a selfish and heartless 'I am all right Jack' attitude when to him it will seem you are sitting pretty with your job, security and money. You can't weigh the value of brotherly solidarity and dependability against a sum of money. So while it is entirely proper and understandable for you to spend your money on your own family holiday, to his brother it is going to look and feel very bad, leaving a bitter taste.

I’d probably lend it but have no expectation of getting it back. Depends how much you will miss £300…I wouldn’t let my own kids go without because of someone else’s reckless spending.

@Dawn17 why was he discussing your finances with his girlfriend??? he has a cheek after spending his so quickly and she has a damned cheek even having the audacity to ask after booking a holiday!! dont lend them a sou!!! you will not get it back!

@Sunnylove22 No No NO!!! OP you cannot lend this money to your BIL when his partner has probably spend the same amount in a weekend with soft play and meals out etc!!

I’m sorry but they must have spent well in excess of £100 over the weekend. That’s not what people do when they’ve just lost their income. Lend them £300 if you’re happy to not see it again and be asked from more.

@2jacqi yes and the worst of it was he'd told her the amount we'd inherited but he'd knocked a few thousand off the figure. He then asked me to lie and say we'd been left a smaller amount than we had, as he didn't want her to know he'd spent a few thousand treating himself first, before putting the rest in their wedding/house fund. When I questioned him whether lying about money was a good start to a marriage, he told me where to go. Predictably, their marriage didn't last long.

No your nit unreasonable to point it out. You can't recant the offer. Just be prepared to not get it back. That's my experience.

This is exactly my thoughts.
We’re not well off, we work hard and we budget well to afford what we want but the £300 we have is an unexpected income so we wouldn’t be under hardship if we never got it back.

DH thinks BIL will 100% pay it back. I don’t know him well enough to make a judgment on that.

It just feels a bit in bad taste when BIL is saying they can’t afford food shopping and then I’ve seen all this…

I think DH has seen the socials now as he messaged me but I will be going ahead and having a conversation with him.

I would never lend what I couldn't afford to lose

Don't ... unless you can genuinely gift the money and don't need it yourself (which it absolutely sounds as though this is not the case).
We have (stupidly) lent money on two separate occasions to a family member and to a friend, both in 'dire straights' at the time .. so they told us. Never saw any of it again ....

Cash? No.

There was a reason he was sacked, and he should have had a safety net anyway if he has a family.

I would consider a food shop delivery, but only the basics we have when we're on a budget.

But hard cash, for him to go out and spend on stuff I couldn't afford? Lol. Oh no!!