To give him an ultimatum?

[FLRT]

First time poster. I ask you to please be kind, I'm a sensitive soul!

In a nutshell, 33F, DP38, own a house & a dog together, we've been together for over 6 years. It had always been the plan to get married then have children. However, years keep creeping by and no proposal and no sex life.
AIBU to tell him he needs to 'put out' and propose or I leave... even though I have nowhere to go and an expectation that no one else would want me?

Have had sex around 4 times in the last 5 years. This is due to a combination of him having low sex drive as on antidepressants (despite managing ok when we first got together..), and me being overweight with no body confidence. I don't want a thrilling sex life, just enough for me to feel wanted and able to TTC.

I'm overweight (UK size 20) but was slim when we met. I eat as a coping strategy which has become a vicious cycle I can't seem to break. I now feel completely unattractive to men. DP insists he does still fancy me but I think his actions say otherwise.
Dating in your thirties is really tough even if you aren't bigger, so I fully expect I would end up alone, and therefore without children anyway, if I was to leave.
I don't have the financial means to live on my own, let alone explore having a child by myself.

The relationship is otherwise good. We've been through a lot in life and support each other, trust each other, understand each other.

So, back to the question, AIBU to tell him he needs to 'put out' and propose or I leave?

Time for a big talk with him @FLRT
You need to know if you fit into each others plans, long term and if so, what that all looks like.
If you decide you still love each other, maybe jointly start a plan to get fit and work on his MH challenges. No good throwing a baby into the mix but getting married and starting a family could be the motivation if you both want it still.

I can't see anything in here that suggests that you understand each other, at all. I think you'd be unreasonable to give him the ultimatum of "putting out" with a woman who has no body confidence, and feels completely unatrractive. What's his side of this, are you able to communicate honestly and openly about it? Is he happy with a once a year perfunctory roll around?

Instead of giving him a demand for a proposal and a regular ravishing, give yourself the goal of addressing the emotional eating with a therapist. Because you think nobody else will want you isn't a good enough reason to get married to the one that's under your nose.

Yes you need to have a big chat on children but also be prepares to leave if he says no................................................,however, he does sound like a million miles away from being a dad if you're only having sex less than once a year

This ^

I don't think ultimatums are the answer. Making change shouldn't be done with an axe hovering over your head. I think it's more important to be open about your feelings and what's important to you. A person who values you and the relationship will be able to respond, share their own feelings and make meaningful steps towards something that works for you both. If that doesn't happen, then you walk away.

"If you don't do X, Y, Z, then I'm leaving" isn't the most healthy way to achieve change.

Have had sex around 4 times in the last 5 years. This is due to a combination of him having low sex drive as on antidepressants (despite managing ok when we first got together..), and me being overweight with no body confidence. I don't want a thrilling sex life, just enough for me to feel wanted and able to TTC

Why would you want to marry this person anyway?.

What happens when you initiate anything?

Aside from the many good points made already, very gently, if you don't have the resources to raise a child on your own, do you not think that maybe focusing on increasing your earning power before you have a child might be a good idea? The relationship might break down further and you'd feel stuck in an unhappy relationship because you couldn't afford to raise your child by yourself, so isn't it worth focusing on that first? It's also tough on maternity pay and tough to earn more once a child is already here, so you'd be putting yourself in a bit of a precarious position from the start by having a child now anyway.

Thanks for responses so far. Certainly food for thought.

@Cosyblankets What happens when you initiate anything?

In all honesty I gave up initiating a long time ago. It used to be met with an "I'm tired" etc., but as I say I have not tried to initiate anything for a long time as I know I'd take the rejection personally and be upset. It was bad enough before, but now I want children it is more emotive.

We do talk about it, and he has said he wants an active sex life again, but he doesn't seem to proactive in addressing it, for example talking to GP about current antidepressants and if these can be reviewed.

If your sex life is floundering then TTC could have it dead in the water. Additionally I don't feel that throwing a baby in on top of this situation is going to help at all, it's a big pressure, it's not a fixer, ever.

In order for this to improve you both need to be proactive in addressing it and having loads of open communication around sex, what you want and what that would would look like, and a plan to make it happen, treating like a priority, while at the same time addressing what's blocking you both individually. After such a long time the momentum is really lost and you're going to need a big organised and sustained effort to get it back up and running. An ultimatum is going to do absolutely nothing to help, this is very much a joint effort.

Thing is your relationship sounds bloody awful, adding a baby into the mix is just more stress and i don't think you're thinking how hard it'll be for you both.
You don't sound suited at all, stop wasting your time and go find someone who wants what you want. He clearly isn't interested.

It does sound like OP and her DP have a lot of things to work through, however, OP is 33 and has eating & weight issues - time is not on her side, she does need to have the children chat soon. If he is not interested in DC then at least OP can work on herself, possibly without him.

You’re as responsible for your lack of sex life as he is.

Before issuing any ultimatums I’d look closer at yourself, and address your significant weight gain and emotional problems. Once you’re a person who feels like they’re worthy of a sex life, marriage and children, then consider your options.

Besides anything else, at that size you may struggle to conceive, and find pregnancy and having a baby much harder.

Hugs OP. Sounds like you're flogging a dead horse. Improve your health and weight to increase your chances of ttc (and give yourself a lower risk pregnancy), and move on

its 2023. Why are you waiting for him to propose. Use your words and ask him if he wants to get married, and if so when. If the answer is no you make your decision from there. Stop being so passive.

Find a therapist to help you deal with your emotional eating

See your GP for help with how to lose weight - diet pills/diet sheet/dietician/CBT

Pay for a personal trainer to encourage you to exercise and get fit, toned and healthy

Pay for a life coach to help you think/dress/ be positive and find the real gorgeous you who is hiding

None of the above relates to DP. IMO he is irrelevant and not needed in your life

He doesn't love or respect you and you need to bin him asap

You concentrate on you and start the rest of your life without DP today

You've been together for 6 years and have had sex 4 times in the last 5 years. You're not partners. Leave, you're 33 and have time to look elsewhere. I think the weight thing is a red herring.

Without sounding harsh, because I absolutely mean this in the nicest way possible because it is a possibility, your significant weight gain may be contributing to the lack of sex. You can totally love someone but lack attraction, especially with a significant amount of weight gain. I think you should be working on your self-esteem and eating issues right now. Eating healthy really does make you feel well mentally and physically, and I know it's easier said than done because I've been there. You will feel amazing when you adopt a healthy eating habit, resulting in a healthy mindset and better self-esteem 🤗

100% this

how sad - you've given up on life at 33 :(

i bet if you left him and started over you would easily build your confidence again

Ultimatums don't work unless you're willing to follow through.

If you issue one and he doesn't change, you'll have confirmed he doesn't want to change and doesn't really care, then you'll have to stay if you're unwilling to leave and will possibly feel worse.

Also, as a previous poster said, kindly attraction can change if one of you physically changes. Sexual attraction isn't something you can force.

I'm so sorry. It sounds like your confidence is absolutely on the floor and you need to address this before anything else. I can understand if you want children that you feel the clock is ticking, but it doesn't sound like you are in the right place ... yet.... but you could work towards that. It would help your confidence and this would have a positive effect on other areas of your life. So get support with dealing with your emotional eating, fitness and confidence issues first and foremost.

If you want children you need to get on top of health issues anyway. You have to be realistic and get as much support as possible as it's not an overnight fix.

If you issue ultimatums you have to be prepared for the other side to say, OK go ahead and do that then. ie it may not have the effect you are hoping for. Are you really ready for that? Maybe you should give yourself time to work on some of these things that are bothering you and make a plan for what you want your next stage to be before you do this.

Its also a bit threaty in relationship terms. No one likes being strong-armed. It would be better to have a no-threat exploratory talk about it. Does he know how much you want children? Or is that something that hasn't been discussed for a while? If this is difficult, then maybe Couple's counseling?

Once you have worked on these two elements, you will be in a better position to decide what you yourself want for your future and also if this relationship is for you, but you will be making that decision from a more confident place.

Honestly your priorities are skewed and you have this arse about face. Focus on yourself, your health and self esteem being the priorities. You will not “fix” this relationship by giving him an ultimatum (and honestly it sounds beyond fixing). You have living an effectively celibate existence with a man who doesn’t want to marry you. It’s based purely on practicality. You should absolutely not bring a child into this dysfunctional situation.

I can’t know if your weight is a problem for him but your lack of self esteem and general passiveness is clearly a factor. You know you deserve more but seek oddly inert about doing something to tackle it.

Stop focusing on mending the relationship and start focusing on getting yourself into a better mindset and looking after yourself. You may find that once you do this he starts to value you but that’s not a reason to do it. Do it for yourself.

Neither of you are in any position to be starting a family. He needs to work on his MH issues and you need to work on your self-esteem issues and lose weight.

I think it's a bit cheeky for you to issue an ultimatum when you have work to do as well.

You both need to sit down and have a good chat about where your future is headed. Regardless of what he says, you still need to lose the weight and work on your self esteem so that you can be the best person for you, in or out of this relationship. Focus on feeling better rather than having a proposal or baby as a end goal. If you're both on the same page and willing to do the work that will fall into place eventually.

Exercise will really help you both so why not start exercising together. Doesn't need to be going to a gym but go for nice long walks or find a hobby you both enjoy. Encourage each other to eat better.

If he's not willing to cooperate or doesn't seem interested then at least you've started your journey to a healthier and better you. Maybe you'll meet someone new, maybe you won't. But being single, healthy and confident is far better than being miserable in a relationship.