To give him an ultimatum?

[FLRT]

First time poster. I ask you to please be kind, I'm a sensitive soul!

In a nutshell, 33F, DP38, own a house & a dog together, we've been together for over 6 years. It had always been the plan to get married then have children. However, years keep creeping by and no proposal and no sex life.
AIBU to tell him he needs to 'put out' and propose or I leave... even though I have nowhere to go and an expectation that no one else would want me?

Have had sex around 4 times in the last 5 years. This is due to a combination of him having low sex drive as on antidepressants (despite managing ok when we first got together..), and me being overweight with no body confidence. I don't want a thrilling sex life, just enough for me to feel wanted and able to TTC.

I'm overweight (UK size 20) but was slim when we met. I eat as a coping strategy which has become a vicious cycle I can't seem to break. I now feel completely unattractive to men. DP insists he does still fancy me but I think his actions say otherwise.
Dating in your thirties is really tough even if you aren't bigger, so I fully expect I would end up alone, and therefore without children anyway, if I was to leave.
I don't have the financial means to live on my own, let alone explore having a child by myself.

The relationship is otherwise good. We've been through a lot in life and support each other, trust each other, understand each other.

So, back to the question, AIBU to tell him he needs to 'put out' and propose or I leave?

His lack of interest is probably directly linked to your weight gain. Going from a size 10/12 to a size 20 is a very big change in how you look. Your lack of ambition is most likely also a problem for him - if you can't afford to support yourself and live independently why do you think your partner should support you? I think in your physical state and financial position having a baby would be irresponsible and thoughtless. The baby won't fill any emotional holes you have, and you won't be a good parent if you're only having a baby to make up for what's lacking in your life. Work on yourself first otherwise you'll always feel like this.

Do you really want to start a life together with children based on what is a threat? You don't sound compatible

I’m sorry but your post reads like you don’t want him really but you’ll stay because you are overweight, have no where to go and think online dating must be hard. WTF!

What do you bring to this table that makes you think an ultimatum is a good idea? Nothing you’ve wrote here would make anyone want to propose and have children.

This relationship has possibly ran it’s course and you both need out.

Lovely, you aren't going to magically turn this back into a marriage material relationship with an active sex life which is going to produce children. It's not going to happen. I get that you feel lacking in confidence and worried about being alone but if you want a relationship with sex and babies this isn't it.

I agree with this. It comes across here that neither of you really wants the other but you have convinced yourself this is as good as it gets and are willing to “settle” and he is just not fussed either way. It would be a really bad situation to bring a child into. Not wanting to date in your 30s is not a good enough reason to cling to a dying relationship like a life raft.

You really need to split up with him and work on yourself and figure out who you are and what you actually want.

As an aside as well, if your sex life is already basically non-existent and you both find it difficult to be intimate, believe me when I say TTC will be extremely difficult. I am currently pregnant, my partner and I had no previous issues with intimacy or sex, always had a regular sex life, and even for us “ttc sex” really became a chore! It changes sex from something that should be fun, exciting, spontaneous, to something that is “are you ovulating? Have you already ejaculated in the last 12 hours? I got my peak on test 2 hours ago so we need to have sex right now. Can’t be bothered- TOUGH it’s peak week!!”. It can be a mental and physical battle even where you both had a healthy interest in sex before ttc, I honestly don’t see any way that from your starting point it would be possible.

Also, you cannot use an ultimatum to make him have sex with you. As others have mentioned, the physical changes in your body could well have impacted his desire to be intimate in the same way it has affected your confidence. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and once you find your own confidence, find someone who makes you feel desired, happy, loved, appreciated. Start a family with THAT man, the one who makes you the happiest you could he, not the one who makes you unhappy.

You aren’t being proactive either though at breaking the cycle - you need to work on that

I never understand why people play House before marriage, especially when not getting married is actually a deal-breaker for them. You should have honestly asked for marriage before committing to a house with your partner. Now, you are in a situation where it's more difficult for you to pack up and leave, because you own a house together.

On another note, it sounds like you both have personal issues to deal with, on your own. He needs to seek help for his abnormally low sex drive, and, for the sake of your own self-esteem, it might help you to start a healthier lifestyle, and do things that make you feel better about yourself. It's hard to make a relationship work when both parties struggle with something big, but I feel like if your relationship has reached a point where you feel a need to make ultimatums...it's probably a dead-end anyway.

This isn’t a relationship to bring a baby into. Deciding sex is worth it because you want to ttc is a terrible idea. And why does he have to propose marriage? If that’s what you want you do it! You haven’t even suggested it and are jumping straight to an ultimatum, otherwise known as blackmail. That’s not how healthy functional relationships operate.

What sort of discussions have you had over the last 6 years about marriage and children? Did you have any even loose timeline in place? When is the last time you discussed this?

Is he taking any steps to manage his depression? Are you taking any steps to manager your confidence issues? Do you talk about these things openly and honeslty?

I'm just trying to understand how you get into a situation 6 years into a relationship with some significant individual problems as well as unhappiness within the relationship and not having discussed when and how to move things forward that it would come to the need for an ultimatum.

@ShelleyPercy What sort of discussions have you had over the last 6 years about marriage and children? Did you have any even loose timeline in place? When is the last time you discussed this?

Is he taking any steps to manage his depression? Are you taking any steps to manager your confidence issues? Do you talk about these things openly and honeslty?

I'm just trying to understand how you get into a situation 6 years into a relationship with some significant individual problems as well as unhappiness within the relationship and not having discussed when and how to move things forward that it would come to the need for an ultimatum.

These are good questions, especially because I can't figure out how I got here either! We have open communication and have regularly discussed goals and timelines. Rightly or wrongly, our first goal was to get a house together. We've now done this, but covid cost us time. We agreed we were going to get engaged within a year (didn't happen) marry in 2024 and start TTC in 2025.

We both have gradually stopped taking proper care of ourselves over time. We talk openly about this a lot, make a plan to eat better and exercise, then it all falls apart for one reason or another. There's no excuse for this.

From yours and others' responses I know I'm wrong in considering an ultimatum, but I feel the clock ticking and am at a point where I'm exasperated but don't know what else to do.

@Draculina

I never understand why people play House before marriage, especially when not getting married is actually a deal-breaker for them. You should have honestly asked for marriage before committing to a house with your partner. Now, you are in a situation where it's more difficult for you to pack up and leave, because you own a house together.

But being married won't help her much with a man who doesn't want to have sex with her, apparently isn't bothered about having children and seems not really to give a shit about her at all. In so far as it could give her a bit of equity it would help but it doesn't really address the fundamental problems in the relationship.

There's always someone who jumps up with the kneejerk "you should have married him beforehand", and sometimes that's a sound principle but that isn't really the point here.

There's no point getting married to someone who you effectively don't have any kind of relationship with.

"but I feel the clock ticking and am at a point where I'm exasperated but don't know what else to do."

I think you do know what to do OP but you are, very understandably, afraid of doing it. Of course you are. The unknown is always scary however the 'known' in this situation is staying with a man where there is little or no physical attraction and little or no desire (at least on his part) to progress to marriage and children. If you stay, you will drift along, perhaps for years or decades even, in a failing relationship until one of you finally makes a decision (or dies).

The relationship has, quite clearly to outsiders at least, run its course. You cannot make the impossible possible just by wanting it or by fearing the alternative.

One thing you CAN do right now to improve your chances and fertility (whether with this man or with another), is start looking after yourself better starting today.

Could you both look into going to counselling together, to discuss some of these issues, if you genuinely feel that there is something worth saving in your relationship?

Do you genuinely want THIS man’s children, or do you just want children and see him as your only option?

If you really want to work on the relationship instead of cutting your losses, could you start trying to spend some healthy quality time together and see if that makes a difference? Joined a nice gym with a pool/sauna with DP and it’s made such a difference, we’re more likely to head there together straight from work, do some exercise, chat about our day in the jacuzzi. Then home for a healthy dinner. We’re fitter and happier and that’s improved all aspects of our relationship.

I think you do know what to do OP but you are, very understandably, afraid of doing it. Of course you are. The unknown is always scary however the 'known' in this situation is staying with a man where there is little or no physical attraction and little or no desire (at least on his part) to progress to marriage and children. If you stay, you will drift along, perhaps for years or decades even, in a failing relationship until one of you finally makes a decision (or dies).

This is right. You do know, deep down, that this isn't the right relationship for you. A happy, fulfilling relationship isn't one which makes you put on stones in weight, leaves you starved of affection or intimacy and unable to plan your future. This is a relationship based on habit and expediency, not a loving partnership.

Of course a leap into the unknown is frightening. But you are at a crossroads here and staying with this man out of inertia or fear is not a pathway to your own self-fulfilment.

It will be scary and it might be tough for a few months. But you know you need to leave.

If I were you I'd take a year to think about things. In that year I'd aim to lose a lot of weight and get fit. I'd tell him my plans and encourage him to take care of himself, too, but I have to say I would put myself first.

Intermittent fasting will be your friend. The problem with a diet is that you're constantly having to think about food. You can never have a meal that you love because you're always having to deny yourself something, whether that's fat or sugar or other carbs.

Don't eat anything until 1 pm. At first you might think this will kill you but honestly, after just one week you'll love it. Then don't eat anything after 6 pm. Nothing at all - no meals, takeaways, sweets, wine, nothing. Instead, in the evening, put your jacket on and go for a long walk.

Put in your headphones and listen to podcasts that make you laugh. There are tons of them about. I love Off Menu - every single episode really cheers me up. If you listen to something like that while you're walking, you'll come home in a much better mood.

Before you go out for the walk, brush your teeth. That will stop you wanting something to eat later.

When you come home, use really good skin care on your face. Have a shower and use body lotion.

Wear perfume every day. Make up for the lack of food by stimulating your other senses - that's where the body lotion and perfume and podcasts come in.

Don't make any plans for marriage. Don't push the sex issue. If your boyfriend joins in with the care package, you may well find that happens anyway. Have as your goal that you will be different in a year's time. That's not a year in January, it's a year from today. Then you'll be in a great position to make a decision as to what you want to do next.