Hey guys, its been a while and I just wanted to give an update on my situation. So people can know how much they helped me at a time I thought I was helpless and so other people in the same situation can know that it can be done.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4581137-to-not-understand-how-im-supposed-to-leave-abusive-h?page=3
This is the only post of mine i can find, I used a few different names, probably rehashed the same things over.
if anyone remembers a woman unable to sleep and putting things infront of her bedroom door becuase she was afraid of her DH wanting to kill her.... hi! Or the MIL who joked about drowning her baby if it was born a girl... yup!
Long story short, big age difference, did everything for him, but never realised how controlling it was until DS was born. I was very ill, he refused to help. Then he became angry and violent. I called the police once. He was breaking stuff, screaming on a regular basis. I begged his family to help him but they didn't know what to say. It was hard and scary.
Accepting that I was married to an abusive narcissist was incredibly hard, I really tried to fix things and carry on and that he would just stop it and start being a husband and father. But no.
I left just over a year ago, told him the day I moved, I'd set up a flat to rent and I'd been on fb marketplace and to charity shops to get my furniture and stuff, I stored some stuff at my mums and the charity shop delivered the rest the day I moved. I took just a bin bag of clothes for me and DS.
It was scary as shit. Ex threw his toys out the pram, threatened to take DS away. I spent a long time not sleeping and scared he'd hurt DS in their contact time or that he'd break in and hurt me. I was the apitome of calm to him though. Never shouted, never made it personal, just focused on "let's just focus on what's best for DS". And it worked for the most part.
There's been a few fireworks even with that, we were in the car together after taking DS somewhere and I stupidly actually argued with him over him blatantly lying to my face, I shouldn't have because it was pointless, he tried to drive us into the back of a stationary vehicle at 80mph, thankfully he "changed his mind". Learnt from that. I was trying to "stay a family" even though we weren't together. That doesn't work, I do think the gradual disconnecting from him was the right thing to do, I don't think you can just severe their Web of hold on you straight away because it'll make them explode, I did one tie, gently and quietly, to cause as little reaction as possible.
But, my life now.....
I managed to gently and slowly get him to give me my money out the house we owned. So now I own a lovely little house, that is all mine, that he's never been in and gets no say over.
DS is doing fantastic, he still sees ex alot, which surprised me. The man did zero parenting when we were together so I thought he'd get bored of trying. He's not great, he doesn't prioritise what DS actually needs, he's just there for fun. It's hard, I have to teach DS to be a good person and even simple things like potty training, going to bed, even at one stage just getting bloody dressed, it's all a battle against his father's bad influence. But I can do it and legally I can't keep him from his father so thats how it is. But my god imagine how hard that would be if we still lived together. DS gets time in a clean home with routine and love and stability. It's worth it.
And I've met an incredible man. I didn't think good men existed, that all men were abusive or narcissistic. This is a good man, a calm man, he's my age, he looks after me when I'm ill. He actually helps look after DS, he gets up in the morning and let's me sleep, he kneels down on DS level when he's in a bad mood hitting or throwing and talks to him, reassures him. We're building a home from the ground up, literally building a new house, on some land, DS will grow up riding his bike round his own park, swigning on monkey bars while I cook dinner, we're going to grow and rear our own food. He has a huge bedroom where he'll watch tractors and deer.
If you'd have told me then, what my life would be now I'd think it was a cruel joke. This isn't a life I believed existed. But here we are. I got away, alive, and I'm building my dream life for my DS and I with a man who is safe, kind, hardworking.
So thankyou, to everyone who gave me advice and pushed me to leave, because I wouldn't have without this place and these people.