Missed the boat on a sibling

[EmilyEllisBell]

My son is 5 and currently an only child.
He was 18 months - 3 during the lockdown/Covid time. And it didn’t feel like a good idea to have another baby at that point, although this would have been the time we’d choose, if it wasn’t for Covid.

I know some will say it’s not too late, but I don’t feel like I could go back to sleepless nights, night feeding, nappy changing and so on.

But conversely I feel sad he won’t have a sibling either.

5.5 years between mine and at 8 and 3, they pay nicely together and look out for each other. The big one can help and there’s no jealousy. They frequently share a bed too. Definitely not too big a gap if you do decide to go for it.

Surely it will be easier with a bigger age gap as the older one will have more of a routine and you won't need to pay double childcare. I don't think it's necessary though, only children are fine and can be more confident at making friends and entertaining themselves/being independent.

5.5 between my boys and I love it.

They're crazy about each other!

Your choice 🤷‍♂️

There's a 7.5 year age gap between my first two DS and they're very close.

When they are grown up the age gap will be totally insignificant and they can be a big support to each other if that’s a consideration. The main thing id consider is whether you want another kid; that’s more important than the potential age gap.

There's 5 years between my two. It's nice.

The main thing id consider is whether you want another kid; that’s more important than the potential age gap.

Completely agree.

More than that between my two, and while I sometimes wish we'd had a smaller gap and they were more typical 'playmates', they're incredibly close. I found the transition to two easier as the older one was so much more independent. They have a genuine bond and I don't regret starting over one bit - I'm so glad they have each other.

Doesn’t sound like you want another child- and the age gap isnt the best for a close day to day sibling interaction relationship, or an easy life ie. You won’t be taking two kids of soft play age out or taking them to the same film at the cinema- you will have to split your time.

I planned a 5 year age gap, i couldn't have coped with any smaller gap.

But i didn't have another child 'to give my child a sibling' i did it because i wanted another child

I think you have to really want any child, so figure out if you do first.

It’s certainly not too big a gap, because any gap can be fine, but you will be dealing with two children at very different stages throughout childhood, which means fewer shared activities and more taxi-ing.

I had secondary unexplained infertility and there's 8 years between my 2.

It sounds like you didn’t really want a second child? Plenty of people had babies during Covid.

DS is 5.5, DD is 8.5 months. He absolutely adores her and she thinks he's hilarious. They're a right pair and I love the age gap ❤️ going back to sleepless nights and endless nappy changes wasn't that difficult, it's like learning to ride a bike. You've done it, you know it doesn't last forever, you just crack on and get the job done

Siblings aren't just about when you're young though. Sibling relationships can be important when you're an adult, and the age gaps mean much less anyway.

Your OP is written quite oddly. Entirely about wether or not your child should have a sibling.

Do you want another baby? If you don’t and feel bad like you didn’t want the sleepless nights etc then that’s fine. If you DO want another baby but worry about the age gap, then that’s different, the age gap won’t matter once they grow up. Your child doesn’t need a sibling either way though.

Hold old are you?

We left big gaps on purpose, needed to make sure we could give them a good lifestyle and lots of attention. Mine are 15, 7 and 9 months xx

It will almost certainly be difficult to go back to the baby days of no sleep etc, but at least your older one can now go to the toilet on their own, doesn't need to be spoon fed, is out of the house at least 6 hours a day at a minimal cost to you... Plus at the right age to want to help out a bit with baby by fetching nappies etc. Presumably has a reasonably earlyish bedtime and sleeps well. I wouldn't let the age gap get in the way if you want another child!

Nothing wrong with a gap, mine are 7 years apart

There are nine years between me and my sister and we get along great. There are four years between me and my brother and we did nothing but fight for a long time.

DS is 10 now. I'd have loved another kid but we left it too late in terms of our age. Both the wrong side of 40 now. If you feel you can do it you don't want to regret it.

I completely understand as I feel the same way.

I have 2 Daughters, aged nearly 4 & 6. Deep down I would like another one but I can't bear to go through all of that again and feel like I've left it too long. Ideally, I would've had a small gap between them all, had a terrible few years and then got my life back.

I do think in your position though, I would try for second. It's probably better in that your 5 year old wouldn't be as jealous as they are when they are closer in age. Perhaps your Son would also enjoy helping out and I imagine would entertain the baby at times. It's also nice at that age because they can half fend for themselves rather than having 2 of them asking you to do everything for them, every single minute of every day!!

I understand completely. My daughter is 4.5 and I have had multiple miscarriages trying for a second, and am now reaching the point where I wonder if I really want to go back to the baby stage. I'd love her to have a sibling, I'd love to have another baby... but I do wonder if the moment has now passed. My career is recovering, we're finally free of the expense of nursery, and we have so much more freedom in other ways too: she's independent and we can enjoy adventures that were not possible with a baby/toddler.

So, yes. I get it. I do not have the answer for you I'm afraid, but I understand wanting another child in theory but wondering if in practice it is time to embrace what we have and the new phase of life we are in.

I suppose for me there's the added question of do I want to put myself through the grief and trauma of more losses, which hopefully for you will not be a factor. But if you decide you do want a baby, there is no 'bad' age gap, all families have their logistical headaches and their plus points. You can be sure there'll be love and happiness there whatever you choose.

It's a different sort of relationship with a bigger age gap. I occasionally feel wistful when I see friends with children close in age playing together, but my older one is so caring, considerate and helpful with the younger one, and so proud of them, in a way I don't think would happen if DC1 had been younger when DC2 arrived.

As pp have said, don't focus on age gaps but whether you want and could cope with another child.

Nearly 6 years between mine. I hadn’t planned on such a big age gap, but it really works. No competitiveness, no sibling rivalry. My son brings out the childishness in my teenage daughter, which I love - it gives her an excuse to play with toys, or mess around in the swimming pool when she’d be too cool for that with her friends.

Going back to the newborn stage was tricky, but at least my daughter was becoming self-sufficient which made it all a lot easier.

Depends if you're too old for a second or not. There are nine years between my children.