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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder whether it’s my fault that my children are falling behind at school?

28 replies

Mysteriousgirl2 · 13/11/2023 21:15

Just started a new job full time. It’s fairly long hours.

My DC are 8, 5 and nearly 3.

Since I’ve started the job, my children have been struggling emotionally at school. The eldest keeps getting low marks in spelling tests and they are both not doing as well in school (youngest one is in nursery but is asking for me constantly and is very clingy). I used to be able to do school pick ups and do these things with them. I can’t anymore as have to work later. It’s a struggle to get home from work and get them into bed in a reasonable time.

I can afford not to work. But having taken a long break, it’s not ideal for my career to dip in and then go back out again. What on earth do I do?

for voting:

YABU work is important so keep working

YANBU - look after children more if they are suffering

OP posts:
Noicant · 13/11/2023 21:17

Do you have a spouse, partner?

whogivesacarrot · 13/11/2023 21:17

I’d be approaching my employer to ask to reduce my hours if I didn’t need to work and felt it was impacting my children

TheCurtainQueen · 13/11/2023 21:17

Do they have another parent? If so, why is the responsibility for this all yours?

Octavia64 · 13/11/2023 21:19

It takes time for kids to adjust.

If you've always done school pick ups and had a fairly relaxed evening with them it's a big change for them to coming in and straight into dinner bed bath etc.

Don't necessarily abandon straight away - what can you do to make the transition easier for you and for them?

TeaKitten · 13/11/2023 21:20

Are You a single parent? How long have you been in the job?

Busbygirl · 13/11/2023 21:20

Parental input has a huge effect on outcomes in education.

Luna02 · 13/11/2023 21:24

I feel this too. I’m planning to reduce my hours by next September so that I can spend more time with my kids after school. Can you wake them up a bit earlier to do school work?

daylightplease · 13/11/2023 21:32

Who is looking after the dc now? If it is an after school program they may do better with a child minder.
I agree with doing spellings and timetables in the mornings and at weekends.

thatwassociopathic · 13/11/2023 21:35

Never give up your independence again. Your oh should shoulder half the load. If you're a LP then they need to get used to mum working so persevere. A compromise would be flexible or reduced working.

Original poster
Mysteriousgirl2 · 13/11/2023 21:56

Yes I work full time. My husband is brilliant actually. He picks them up 3x a week and then brings them home and cooks with them. I’m really lucky.

OP posts:
Glitterdash · 13/11/2023 21:57

Genuine question as both DH and I don't recall parents ever getting remotely involved in any school stuff.

Are we really meant to handhold them through spellings and timetables?

TeaKitten · 13/11/2023 21:59

Mysteriousgirl2 · 13/11/2023 21:56

Yes I work full time. My husband is brilliant actually. He picks them up 3x a week and then brings them home and cooks with them. I’m really lucky.

He collects them from school 3 times a week… so why would they fall behind at school because you are working more? He can do school stuff

TeaKitten · 13/11/2023 22:00

Glitterdash · 13/11/2023 21:57

Genuine question as both DH and I don't recall parents ever getting remotely involved in any school stuff.

Are we really meant to handhold them through spellings and timetables?

They are 8, 5 and 3. I absolutely handheld at 3 and 5. 8 is a bit more independent but do need some input and motivation sometimes yes.

Gazelda · 13/11/2023 22:01

Glitterdash · 13/11/2023 21:57

Genuine question as both DH and I don't recall parents ever getting remotely involved in any school stuff.

Are we really meant to handhold them through spellings and timetables?

Not necessarily handhold. But encourage, make sure they understand what they need to do, remind them to practice etc.

I used to get DD to practice spellings, times table etc while I was cooking dinner. So I was supervising, but not hovering. Or we sang times tables songs on the way to school.

I think that being involved is important. But I'm not the sort to sit down next to them while they do it. Somewhere in between.

Octavia64 · 13/11/2023 22:02

@Glitterdash

Parents are asked to read with their kids every day if possible.

Obviously it's not always possible but it makes a massive difference to how well kids do in school.

Spellings and times tables would usually be homework and yes if the child is under about 10 you usually have to sit and do it with them.

LeavesinAutumn · 13/11/2023 22:03

Op it depends on the your dc entirely of course. My first would have definitely coped all around if i had worked.
No 2 needed lots of support undiagnosed sen, lots of extra support from me.

We ve spent from 6 to now 11 laying education and emotional foundations and I hope.... I hope she's fully secure as she can be as she goes to secondary. So for her these are absolutely critical years.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/11/2023 22:04

If you could afford to take a step back I would- that’s because your husband seemingly is around already so you need to give. Your kids are young, it won’t be forever

justasking111 · 13/11/2023 22:05

Gazelda · 13/11/2023 22:01

Not necessarily handhold. But encourage, make sure they understand what they need to do, remind them to practice etc.

I used to get DD to practice spellings, times table etc while I was cooking dinner. So I was supervising, but not hovering. Or we sang times tables songs on the way to school.

I think that being involved is important. But I'm not the sort to sit down next to them while they do it. Somewhere in between.

Show quote history

Good advice and something that the husband can do three times a week. We did do spelling, times tables and reading every night. Practice handwriting too. It's no bother when you're cooking dinner to do this

CocoC · 13/11/2023 22:23

When my children were this age, I refused to work FT - I negotiated a 4 day week spread across 5 days which meant I could do pickup (and therefore homework) on Wednesdays and fridays.
My children are now 12, 10 and 8 and to be honest, I still see this setup as essential for the younger two.
We didn't have time for reading etc every night, and on the nights I worked very little homework tended to be done, but that meant that at least 4 times a week (2 weekdays + the weekend), homework, spelling practice, school presentations etc get done.
I would also say that we spend a fair amount of time at weekends on this (2 hours arguing for about 20 minutes work, but at least we do that!;).
My husband is very involved also - and does all the cooking and much of the house admin - but he also works and isn't always around. I found with multiple children, and also sports activities/music practice etc, you often need 2 parents around for that critical 4-6pm slot (I will be doing homework with two children whilst he takes one to football then comes back and cooks dinner, then supervises the footballing child when he comes back whilst I take another one to swimming etc).

Mariposista · 13/11/2023 22:23

Plenty of parents work FT. You are doing nothing wrong.
Make sure weekends and evenings are family time (no being tired or snappy impatient allowed). They will adapt. Don’t let them hold this over you. At the end of the day you are working to put food on the table and clothes on their backs.

MacarenaMacarena · 13/11/2023 22:30

If you don't help them practise their tables, they will be very disadvantaged. Spellings, tables, reading, going to the library, talking about what they're learning... So important to support their learning. It'll make a huge difference.

Quitelikeacatslife · 13/11/2023 22:32

You and DH get on top of the tasks they are being set by school and also reading and times tables. Don't just wait for work to be set. Plan in the week when you will go through spellings, etc even if it's just 10 mins . Sometimes parents think kids have no time for this but they will watch 2 hours of tv or spend 8 hours on a weekend playing football or whatever, fit it in and don't make it a chore for them .
Don't make it something you dread and squeeze in as an afterthought
If you focus on this for a few weeks or months it will become habit and your kids will do better at school which will improve their self esteem

MercanDede · 13/11/2023 22:33

Your going back to work full time is likely just an adjustment period. If the children don’t settle, then it is more likely that a learning difficulty is present than it being all your fault.

Lemonademoney · 13/11/2023 22:34

I think you are all adjusting to a new routine. Maybe sit and plan with your husband how best to distribute homework through the week so that you feel you’re covering all bases. Little and often and don’t beat yourself up, none of us are getting this right all of the time x

cestlavielife · 13/11/2023 22:36

So dh is picking them up and can do spellings etc. Spend somd nice family time on weekends. Dont feel guilt