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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a mother should support both DC not just one

47 replies

Dollydoo2244 · 13/11/2023 19:11

My DM lives about an hour away close to my brother in the same house and town we grew up in.

I have 2 small DC. My brother has no partner or DC and has some mental health and alcohol issues and recently been in trouble with police.

I appreciate it's hard but my DM literally never suggests coming to see me or to see her grandkids and never invites us over. We invite her over frequently but she says she can't because she's supporting my brother with various things and he's vulnerable etc m. We have tried to include him in our family life but it never ends well.

AIBU to think even if one child is more stable or 'successful' they are still worthy of their parents time and care. Or am I lacking compassion and being a selfish you know what..

OP posts:
FortofPud · 13/11/2023 19:26

That sounds like a tough situation for all involved. How long has it been like that?

I do agree that a parent should support all their children equally, as best as possible and that all are absolutely worthy of their paretns love and care. I do also think that when you're assessing whether that is happening that a big picture approach is needed - sometimes it's not possible for a parent to be everything for all children all at once and a particular need can take over for that period. If this has been rumbling on for years and you always feel like you get put on the back burner so your brother and his troubles can get the front spot then that doesn't sound like it's being well handled.

Original poster
Dollydoo2244 · 13/11/2023 19:55

@FortofPud thank you for your response. Yes it's been like this for over 10 years. I think I'm more gutted now because I have my children and no family to share them with and they don't have an active grandmother in their life my mother in law visits but is very elderly whereas my DM is in her early 60's and we could all benefit from some family love and support. Just looking for advice really as to what others have or would do in this situation

OP posts:
DryIce · 13/11/2023 20:03

Unfortunately you can't make people care/be involved. I feel for you though, that sounds really shit of your mum - how could she not want to spend time with your lovely children. And you!

I think our parents often don't end up being the grandparents we thought/hoped. I guess it's no one's fault really but it is sad and disappointing.

Kats43 · 13/11/2023 20:10

I’m sorry but I think you need to have a bit more empathy for you poor DM and think about what you could do to make her life easier rather than what you feel ‘entitled’ to. Have you suggested visiting her in her home town and taking her out to dinner etc, she’s probably burnt out

coffeedrinking · 13/11/2023 20:12

Kats43 · 13/11/2023 20:10

I’m sorry but I think you need to have a bit more empathy for you poor DM and think about what you could do to make her life easier rather than what you feel ‘entitled’ to. Have you suggested visiting her in her home town and taking her out to dinner etc, she’s probably burnt out

THIS.

Original poster
Dollydoo2244 · 13/11/2023 20:13

@Kats43 I invite her to do things all the time and took her out for her birthday recently but she spent the whole time on the phone to various care workers because my brother was in crisis. I get it but its just so hard that I can never have my own moments with her

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 13/11/2023 20:17

Gosh if your brother has care workers phoning her, his condition must be dire.
Is she worried he will hurt himself?
Surely it doesn’t happen all the time?

EveryOtherNameTaken · 13/11/2023 20:28

I'm with you on this OP. My ex MiL and DiL were like this. It was hurtful to watch 'the OK' one being shelved. When he finally got a chance to visit/cook dinner/take them out, the other would miraculously turn up and take over attention.

Original poster
Dollydoo2244 · 13/11/2023 20:31

@Dotcheck yes been sectioned, injured, hospitalised, drunk and disorderly. It's not all the time but their relapses in his mental health. When we are together it is fraught with worry and despair if she can't get hold of him as I think she believes he will come to harm.

I have been very distressed in the past by it all but now accept it for what it is and feel we must live out lives too

OP posts:
Original poster
Dollydoo2244 · 13/11/2023 20:42

@EveryOtherNameTaken it's so hard. I have compassion I do but also feel like if it were my own children I would try to be part of both their lives even if one was doing better then the other and their needs weren't 'as great', I'd almost try to overcompensate for them being sidelined most of the time and enjoy those previous moments we did share IYSWIM. My DM can not switch off for 1 day when she dedicates 365 to him as it is. Its not like I'm asking her to see or support him at all

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 13/11/2023 20:43

OP do you have a father or another sibling who can look after your brother while you and your mum visit?

Have you discussed this with her?

Fairyliz · 13/11/2023 20:46

Dollydoo2244 · 13/11/2023 19:55

@FortofPud thank you for your response. Yes it's been like this for over 10 years. I think I'm more gutted now because I have my children and no family to share them with and they don't have an active grandmother in their life my mother in law visits but is very elderly whereas my DM is in her early 60's and we could all benefit from some family love and support. Just looking for advice really as to what others have or would do in this situation

So it’s not really that you love and miss your mum; it’s just what she could do for you?

Kats43 · 13/11/2023 20:50

Dollydoo2244 · 13/11/2023 20:13

@Kats43 I invite her to do things all the time and took her out for her birthday recently but she spent the whole time on the phone to various care workers because my brother was in crisis. I get it but its just so hard that I can never have my own moments with her

I can understand it must be disappointing for you when you’ve planned and organised to have some special time with her but it must of been equally disappointing for her too. I don’t think spending the day on the phone to care workers sorting out your child’s crisis is how anyone would choose to spend their birthday.
I think yes when kids are children you so have to make an extra special effort to ensure each get attention if you possibly can as they’re totally depending on you (not necessarily equal attention but you have to try best to balance their needs) However your an adult now and from the sound of it she needs your support rather than someone else to have to give attention to. I’m sure she’d love to have the time and energy to spend with you and her grandchildren. She’s obviously a very caring person to be giving your brother so much support when he really needs it. From what you say of your life it sounds like you have it quite good with a partner, children, nice in laws etc. She’s human just the same as you too. Do you never get tired despite having a much better life than her? Can you imagine just how totally draining it must be for her being older, coping with your brother and being on her own too.

wannabetraveler · 13/11/2023 20:54

I have a child that takes up much more of my "mental support" capacity than her siblings. I've had the crisis calls from school therapists and it's horrendous - and honestly, my other children would get pretty short shrift if they complained about how our time together had been spoiled by the fact that I was taking crisis calls.

Be an adult and start supporting your mother. She is likely close to breaking point.

Brownbearlooking · 13/11/2023 21:00

I feel for both you and your mum. I have two children with special needs. Youngest is 11 and has severe and complex needs. Our oldest child has no special needs and although we give him as much time as we can, our children with Sen rule our lives. It’s not ideal. It’s really hard and a lot of the time I’m on high alert in case anything is happening/has happened at school. I imagine your mum is on alert all the time and is hugely burnt out. Years of caring takes its toll. In a perfect world I’m sure your mum would like to be more in your lives. It’s not a normal life. I’m not the same person as I was years ago. I’m exhausted, stressed, tired and quiet. I have very little to give anyone.

Original poster
Dollydoo2244 · 13/11/2023 21:13

@Fairyliz well that bit goes without saying if I didn't love and miss her I wouldn't be fussed about not seeing her or sharing her with my children

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 13/11/2023 21:17

It must be very difficult to be the sibling of someone like your brother.

He can’t help his mental health issues, but you’re only human to feel a bit resentful of what the wider impact of them is.

Your mum must feel terrible about it all.

Original poster
Dollydoo2244 · 13/11/2023 21:21

@Kats43 @Brownbearlooking @wannabetraveler that sounds tough and I do get it and feel for you all. At this point I just struggle to support when it's all she talks about. I almost have compassion fatigue which sounds harsh but it's true. I have a separate relationship with my brother. Any tips would be helpful on how to better support. Tbh I don't ask to see her or put pressure on her that much to be around. It's just sad to know that if I did need her for any reason I'd be left alone. She doesn't like me coming to her house really and if she ever asked for something I'd do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dollydoo2244 · 13/11/2023 21:21

@SemperIdem I think that's a good summary of it all really 😔

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 13/11/2023 21:38

It's very difficult to be the sibling in this scenario. Even other posters here who would give their own young children 'short shrift' never mind as adults! There is unfortunately an expectation that you shove up, shut up, push down your own needs, don't ask for or expect anything. It's very normal in this scenario imo to develop a superficially tough skin - often it's that or fall into the same learned behaviour rescuer/martyr role with someone else (partner?) and lose yourself, squashing down your needs.

Be glad you are free and can stop codependent relationships continuing for your own children. Your mother will probably need help at some point or other as she gets more frail, and will probably turn to you. Maybe at that moment you can build some connections with each other and memories.

SemperIdem · 13/11/2023 21:44

wannabetraveler · 13/11/2023 20:54

I have a child that takes up much more of my "mental support" capacity than her siblings. I've had the crisis calls from school therapists and it's horrendous - and honestly, my other children would get pretty short shrift if they complained about how our time together had been spoiled by the fact that I was taking crisis calls.

Be an adult and start supporting your mother. She is likely close to breaking point.

But they will be impacted by their siblings struggles too. They’re not undeserving of your empathy.

wannabetraveler · 13/11/2023 22:19

SemperIdem · 13/11/2023 21:44

But they will be impacted by their siblings struggles too. They’re not undeserving of your empathy.

Show quote history

Honestly, they are incredibly well insulated from it.

wannabetraveler · 13/11/2023 22:22

wannabetraveler · 13/11/2023 22:19

Honestly, they are incredibly well insulated from it.

Show quote history

Hit post too soon.

They are well insulated due to the fact that I manage everything and everyone. Believe me, they have everything they need - but there are times when we're in crisis mode that they don't get what they want. Because I don't have it to give.

SemperIdem · 13/11/2023 22:30

@wannabetraveler

That makes sense. Your initial post read quite harshly but I understand better from your follow up post what you meant.

I’ve no idea if they can, but I hope things get better for your child, and for you.

wannabetraveler · 13/11/2023 22:49

SemperIdem · 13/11/2023 22:30

@wannabetraveler

That makes sense. Your initial post read quite harshly but I understand better from your follow up post what you meant.

I’ve no idea if they can, but I hope things get better for your child, and for you.

Thank you, I appreciate that. I actually posted my first response about 10 minutes after dealing with another call from school.