To think a mother should support both DC not just one

[Dollydoo2244]

My DM lives about an hour away close to my brother in the same house and town we grew up in.

I have 2 small DC. My brother has no partner or DC and has some mental health and alcohol issues and recently been in trouble with police.

I appreciate it's hard but my DM literally never suggests coming to see me or to see her grandkids and never invites us over. We invite her over frequently but she says she can't because she's supporting my brother with various things and he's vulnerable etc m. We have tried to include him in our family life but it never ends well.

AIBU to think even if one child is more stable or 'successful' they are still worthy of their parents time and care. Or am I lacking compassion and being a selfish you know what..

I've been in a similar position to you except my sibling has now passed away. My mum still can't show me or her GC any attention and instead is mourning the loss of my DB. She's even took the photos down of her GC and replaced with lots and lots of photos of my DB

My brother was ill as a kid and that seemed to dominate our childhood. In reality it was several months in three different years.
He was awful as a teen but anything I did was heavily criticed, undeservedly but to somehow make it fair.
My mum adores him, the worse he behaves, the more hope she pours into the tiny good bits.
She ignored me & DH during our 20s, our children were briefly interesting till about ten & eight.
Now in late 40s, my brother is even more problematic - mental health, alcohol, gambling, has made no effort to address it over 30 years. My mum loves him even more and the whole dynamic is completely fucked. I'm down to duty phonecalls and uni aged kids feel no warmth towards the pair of them.
But other people - long term friends, older relatives, neighbours have become very important to our family, find & build your own lovely family.

I'm sure she'd prefer that too, but what do you suggest? She ignore his need for your want?

Maybe some counselling would help? It comes across as if you just wish your mum could be more than human, not be burnt out as she is and be this idealised mother and grandmother figure so often portrayed in the media for you and your family. In her shoes though I can see it must be very hard for her to abandon what energy she has away from the child that seems to desperately need her. As for the grandchildren, she knows they are being cared for and fine and really that is the responsibility of you and your partner anyway. She knows you are ok relative to your brother. I doubt she loves you any less but it’s a fairly primal urge to want to focus on your child that needs you most. If it were you and not your brother needing help then quite sure her life would be focussed on you. If one of your children has just fallen and is screaming in pain do you not feel that need to see to them first?
I would perhaps talk to her about how you miss being able to spend time with her (but please as an adult and not in any way that implies it’s an entitlement for you) but also acknowledge to her that you appreciate it must be so hard for her and is there anything you can do to help her

Your poor mother must be so worried and stressed by your sibling's poor choices.
She can only do what she can manage and your sibling must be like a leach.
I think your only hope of having a relationship with her is for you to do the hard yards.
See her as a plus. Visit her with your lovely family.
Make her month by taking her out to tea.
Have your children help you in her garden.
Have your children buy her a new cardigan and deliver it with paintings from Kindergarten etc.
You organise facetime every weekend.
Invite her down often so that sometimes she comes.
Forgive her for doting on your brother. She has never been able to relax and not play the mother hand there.
You start afresh as an equal adult and interact.

I think if I thought one of my children would probably die before me (sorry to be blunt) I would probably be similar to your mum. She’s most likely spends most of her time worrying about where he is, what he’s doing and if he is ok.

That doesn’t mean that you are any less deserving of her time etc but I think she probably thinks she doesn’t have to worry about you at all. You are safe, it is unlikely something tragic will happen to you plus you have a husband and kids, you have a family, your brother is probably very isolated.

I know that sounds like a low bar (getting to the end of the week in one piece) but thats the one she’s probably operating at in regards to her fears.

I do think you are entitled to feel sad about it though.

@Noicant I know you are right. Of course i know and understand why she dedicates all her time to him. But you're right that I do feel sad about it too. In both regards. I guess I just need to feel acknowledgement about why I feel sad and have those feelings validated rather then feel guilty about them which I often do.

I think this is one of those situations where there is a difference between equality and equity.

Your mum is consumed by helping your brother stay alive and stay safe, you are able to stay alive and stay safe without her help. I’m sure she isn’t out having nice lunches with your brother and doing him lots of favours because she thinks the sun shines out his arse. This couldn’t be further from that, it sounds like she’s literally in the trenches and just doesn’t have the mental capacity for anything else right now.

Tbh if you wanted to free up your mums mental headspace and spend more time with her then perhaps consider asking how you could help with your brother? I completely understand how being more involved in his life would be a big undertaking and not one to be taken lightly but it may help your mum to become more emotionally available if she feels like she has some restbite or feels less alone in trying to deal with it all.

You shouldn't feel guilty about how you feel. It's perfectly natural to want your mum to be able to devote a bit of time to you that's not caught up with worrying about your brother. It sounds like she just doesn't have the capacity at the moment but that doesn't make it any easier for you.

That’s a very sad situation. I can understand that at any given time your brother’s needs are a priority for your DM, but that means that there is never any space for you or probably for her own well-being too. Does your mum have her own friends and her own activities ? She’s going to have a very lonely old age if not.

Do you have an aunt or family friend who could talk to your DM about getting more balance in her life? And how could that balance be achieved practically?

Are there any charities that support families of people with mental illness, and if so is there support or counselling available for either of you?

Her grandchildren should be a source of joy for her, so sad that she is missing out, as well as her relationship with you.

I think get some counselling for yourself. Your mum sounds overwhelmed. But that does of course have an impact on you. I have supported family members with severe disability and also mental health crises that involve alcohol (so people less sympathetic to me changing plans in that case, although actually if I am changing plans it’s because there is serious risk to the person).

Although I have had to cancel lots in my time and I do go to things and spend time on my phone dealing with various issues during that I do try to find time for everyone. I have a supportive husband though and we have always shared the load around the person with a disability.

Is it feasible for you to visit her at the moment (I realise that it might not be if you have children - depends how your brother presents) - or could you do video calls to stay in touch? It sounds
tough for you all. I think having someone neutral
to offload to would be really helpful and a counsellor will help you explore your feelings as well

I think this is lovely ❤️ Also to try and see the effort she does try and make, if someone if carrying a 50kg sack and carries a bag of sugar for you it may not seem like much but it is an awful lot for them. You said you arranged to spend time together on her birthday and she did spend it with you (although frustratingly for both of you she ended up having to spend much of it trying to sort out your brother’s latest crisis) by the sound of things if she had a spare day she probably honestly wanted to spend it just resting or sorting things she needed to but she had made the effort to try to be with you. Does she send you or the children birthday cards etc, It takes me a lot longer than some people would imagine just to choose a card and in the middle of a hectic week it can feel a big achievement. When she does see the children does she give them a warm welcome. Reading MN the expectations seem so high these days towards women who had done their job of raising their children and who years ago would have been assumed to now be deserving of a bit of a rest. This was more the view when I was a child and yet I had a great relationship with my grandparents, despite nothing as such being expected of them from my parents. The view was that family should be supporting the grandparents not the other way round. Little red riding hood takes cakes to her grandma not her grandma comes to babysit or was resented for ‘not providing support’. My own mother had health issues that meant she couldn’t always be as involved with all her grand children as she wished but my DD is now very close to her now she’s an adult and they have a fantastic relationship.

Sometimes with caregiving, you don't have the option to switch off for one day. I'm sure she'd love to be able to do that. She must be exhausted. She needs to find some respite so she can have a bit of down time too. Is that something you can suggest to her?

If he's in crisis and needs care workers what would you expect her to do? Sorry love I'm having my birthday lunch nows not a good time? He's obviously really ill but unless a danger to himself or others he can't be forced into hospital even if there was a bed this leaves his family to support him your poor mum doesn't need more pressure....what do you do to help both of them, shopping being on end of phone etc?

It sounds like your mum is quite overwhelmed op and just hasn’t the head space for anything else. There’s a saying along the lines of ‘you’re as happy as your unhappiest child’ which, as a parent, I’m sure you can relate to.

It’s so unfortunate for you but if you can find a way to lessen her load and make her feel supported, it may change the whole situation perhaps?

YABU. While I can appreciate it grates, put yourself in your mum's position.

No offence but you and your brother should be the ones supporting her IMO. You both must be around 30. Imagine doing what you're doing now (bringing up kids and your life revolving round them) for the next 30 years. That's way beyond reasonable.

The baton should've well and truly been handed on by now.

Your mum's tearing her hair out with your bro...she has no headspace for 2 small DC as well.

Perhaps what your mum needs is support with your DB. Not being made to feel bad because she can't 'give' you enough.

YABU

I think people are being harsh here . the OP is allowed to want a relationship with her mother and feel sad that her mother never prioritises her .

Its unfair but sometimes this happens in families.

My parents supported my sis and basically brought my niece up. So much so they had no time to make any effort, show much interest or to support me or spend time with my DC. I thought things might eventually change but they never did. My mum still thinks the sun shines out of my niece and my sisters bottoms. My eldest is 20 this year.

I'm with you Op. The love and support should be shared equally - no matter the individual circumstances

It's not the role of siblings to step in and care.

Part of the parental role is preparing for the time they are no longer there. Having additional children to fulfill a free caring life placement is not considered adequate or satisfactory future planning. The fact that the mother still refuses to step away shows how she has failed in this parenting task - what exactly is the plan for when she is no longer there?

@Carriemac thank you for so much for your kind comment it means a lot. I know my brother needs and deserves support but I still grieve the relationship I've been denied because of his circumstances