To report SA years after it happened?

[FirePlaceThoughts]

Trigger Warning

My child's father and I were together for about 5 years, and unfortunately the last 2 years of our relationship, he raped/sexually assaulted me frequently.

I was in my early 20s and was very confused about what was happening to me, that we were in a relationship so how could this be rape, I was very much in denial.
I eventually somehow mustered up the courage to confront him on it - he cried and apologised and said he did it because he missed being intimate with me (I hadn't long been diagnosed with post partum depression and the antidepressants shot my libido to the floor).

Bit of a backstory - i had a turbulent childhood and wanted a happy childhood for my son, and at the time i was still in denial and thought the last thing i want is for my son to have a father in prison, hense why I never pressed charges or made any reports about it.

Fast forward 7 years later, I've been very happily single during this time, healing myself, going to therapy and really looking after me and my son. He has gone on to have another child with his current girlfriend.
I only ever communicate with him about our son, who he sees twice a month.
My therapist has helped me set clear boundaries (for example not allowing him in my home to collect our son, but have him wait in the car outside) which has really helped.

I finally now feel like I'm mentally strong enough to report what happened to me.

However, after so long and there not being any physical evidence I'm really worried that when i report this, nothing will happen, and I'll be made out to look like a liar, or like a bitter ex or something, and that ultimately might have some sort of effect on my son, somehow. And my entire life goal is to make sure he is happy and healthy and safe, he is my entire world and my best friend.
I spoke to a support worker who said that it's never too late to report this and the police will help and take it seriously (which im 50/50 on tbh)

Has anyone ever gone through anything similar? Am i being totally unreasonable to report this after all these years?

If you report it then how will you manage child contact with the father? Sounds like he made a mistake and it belongs in the past. Otherwise I can’t understand why you would allow a rapist to look after your child.
On another note, I do believe you. Many women suffer sexual abuse in relationships and don’t recognise. They still love the person. But you have left him, let yourself heal and let’s hope he has matured and changed.
You will just blow your life apart by reporting this historical abuse. Sometimes it’s better just to move on with your own life.

My now exh was the same op.. Wouldn't report it as he deserves not another moment of my time. Spent enough time in court having to see him over dc arrangements.. What you can do is raise ds to respect women and be a better man than his df.. I had 3 ds's with ex. None like him at all. We both know they are the men today because of him. None seem him since teen years and now all around 30 years old.. I most definitely believe you op. And I do think you would be believed.

Speak to womens aid they will give you all the information you will need such as not all rapes lead to conviction etc that will give you all the knowledge of what will happen if you do report it etc
Im so sorry this happened to you

I think you should report him as he should be punished. But I understand why you wouldn't. Whatever you do, I am sending you a virtual hug. X

@AthenaPopodopolous you think a man frequently raping and sexually abusing his partner is him making a mistake?

Honestly, I think you have to consider the chances of this even going to Court. I don't agree with how things are but you have absolutely no proof. It's so hard to get a rape case into Court and it's also traumatic (I've been there). All that will happen is it will cause a lot of problems for you. You have healed. Why set yourself back again? No he shouldn't get away with it. But he will. That's the sad reality. I would just focus on you and your son.

It’s a very personal decision to make - and only one you can make.

I suggest you look up your local rape crisis support service and asked to be put in touch with an ISVA (independent sexual violence advocate). They aren’t therapists, but are trained to emotionally support you and give you information about the police process if you chose to report it. They will continue to support you and your choice, liaise on your behalf with the police and if it goes to court, accompany you. A ISVA will still support you even if you decide not to report it.

I know this, because I have an ISVA and I’ve just reported childhood SA from over 30 years ago. The police are taking it as seriously as if was committed yesterday. I’m not really bothered if the people involved are charged. It’s about telling my story to someone who can investigate and me being believed - I may now be able to start healing.

However the process of reporting is emotionally brutal and can bring everything back. So, please think carefully about what’s best for you.

I actually read @AthenaPopodopolous comment open mouthed, cannot believe he/she is trying to justify it as a mistake!

Firstly, well done on managing to get out and move on and be a great parent for your son.

Secondly, I think this depends a lot on what you are looking to achieve by reporting it. If it is because you want to see him punished, then I would agree that getting some impartial advice on how likely it would be to go to trial and achieve conviction is helpful. Rates are appalling low and whilst that really shouldn’t be something to put you off, you of course need to consider your well-being of potentially going through something not to get the result you’re looking for at the end of it.

If it is because you are concerned he could still be engaging in this behaviour and putting his current partner and child, and possibly your child at risk, then that is somewhat different. There may be other options such as reporting to SS, or sharing with his wife, or letting him know you are going to tell his wife if he doesn’t. Depending on whether that is safe for you to do. You can file a police report so it’s on the record and have him interviewed and then decline to take it any further, so he is aware you have made that choice and the relevant agencies would be notified.

if I were concerned my child were at risk, or another child, I would definitely report, but it really depends on the overall circumstances now. I agree than an ISVA is a good place to start.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I don't really know what i expect the outcome to be - I think it would be a big part of the healing process for me to report it even if it doesn't go anywhere tbh. I know I'm at a massive disadvantage with it being so long ago and not having any evidence. I thought about trying to get him to admit it to me and then reporting it but being around him triggers my mental health and I just don't think I could do that.

@Toetouchingtitties Im so sorry that happened to you, thank you for the advice. Is an ISVA available in the UK? I've never heard of it before.

@AthenaPopodopolous Rape/sexual assualt isn't a mistake.

@FirePlaceThoughts

Yes, an ISVA is a UK thing. I’d recommend calling one and having a chat - they might be able to help formulate your thoughts. They are often linked with SA charities that can also offer specific abuse counselling (although the waitlist for therapy can be long).

I've been in the same position op. I left my exh after years of SA. It took me ten years to pluck up the courage to speak out. I did report it. The police were very good to me. I gave a statement but they were very honest that they didn't expect cps would think there would be enough evidence to press charges. Really it was my word against his and a couple of recorded medical things (I'd spoken to my gp at the time). He was never charged.

Few years ago police contacted me to ask if I could give another statement. Long story short but he had done the same to his next wife and she had reported him. He was charged this time with rape against his wife. He was found not guilty. But we don't regret it. We hope it at least will stop him hurting anyone else in the future. We hope.

@AthenaPopodopolous
You clearly have no lived experience of what you’re trying to talk about. For sake of the Op, and others in this position, please get off the thread.

Op please ignore this rape apologist x

@AthenaPopodopolous I know it looks malicious, that's exactly what I'm worried about and why I'm hesitant to report it in the first place, even though I shouldn't be and this is probably a large part in why more rapes don't get reported, unfortunately.

At the time, I was in shock. He never hurt my child, never gave me reason to think he would hurt my child (and from what my child says, is a decent and consistent father). I was beat down and didn't have the knowledge or support to know how to report this, I was in denial because I still wasn't sure if it could be classed as rape because we were in a relationship, I was so confused and upset. I made the best decision I could have at the time for my child.
I only speak to him when it's absolutely necessary and it's only ever regarding our child.

Report him. I wish I had the courage x

He could be doing this now to his current girlfriend.

I think you need to speak out.

There will likely be a local organisation who can support you with whether to make the report and explaining what the process will involve and what will happen. You can find them by searching "Town sexual abuse charity" or looking on your local police force's website.

It's not your responsibility to stop him doing it again. It's entirely your choice whether you want to report it or not.

I believe you. And I don't believe you to be vindictive or to have put your child at risk.

The low rate of convictions leads to people being reluctant to report. The reality is that relatively few reports are malicious and those few malicious cases are over reported.

The ISVA described by @Toetouchingtitties sounds amazing. Maybe with their help and the guidance of your therapist you can work out what the best course of action for you will be.

You have no obligations to anyone else. You are at the centre of this story and your needs are most important. If you believe it would help your healing to report this, get all of the relevant information and support in place and take that step knowing you are surrounded by a circle of women who believe and support you. If it helps.. find that circle in real life.

If you decide that the system will not give you the support and outcomes that you need.. You do not have to take this step right now but you retain the right to do it at another time.

Congratulations on creating a happy life for yourself and your son, despite the abuse you suffered and the childhood you experienced. I hope you walk tall and remind yourself that you are enough and that self love is the most important relationship you will ever have.

I echo those who say you need to think about what you want from this. And also what you don't want.

Honestly, the odds of him being charged with anything are just about nonexistent. It's hard enough for a rape case to get to court when it's reported immediately, there is physical evidence, and the parties aren't in a sexual relationship already. And tbh going to court for a rape case is an ordeal for the victim that many find more traumatising than the original assault(s). At most the police might speak to him, whereupon he will say that all the sex you had was consensual, end of story. But that may possibly open you up to him accusing you of lying, parental alienation, and a bunch of other things that could be really unpleasant to live through.

An option may be that the police simply take your statement and keep it on file in the hope that it can one day form supporting evidence for charges based on assaulting someone else. But my honest realistic advice is to think this through carefully. Most of us will never have our justice within the law.

Forget about him in this decision. What would you hope to gain from reporting this? Will it bring resolution for you? If so, then do it. But, be very sure about the impact of going through the process might have on you. I honestly wouldn’t put myself through this. I sat on the jury of a man accused of multiple rapes of three ex-partners and it was horrendous. Mostly because of the attitudes of the men on the jury. The man was convicted of the most minor offences and as there was photo evidence. The women who complained were very badly let down by the system and I often think about how they moved on from the trial.

It will greatly impact all relationships. How will your son be able to spend time with his father after that revelation? The father will tell him he didn't do it. It's horrendous all round. Are you doing it to heal? I can see that. But think this will be hellish.

I think you just need to consider what you want to achieve, and then look objectively (rather than with unrealistic assumptions about moral or just outcomes) at how likely a course of action is to help you do that.

If what you want is to get him convicted, it sounds like the chances of that are slim and you're likely to be disappointed. It could also blow back on you in various ways that leave you worse off than if you hadn't done anything.

If what you want is for the truth to be heard, then it may be worth it. Or it may be that there's a better way of doing that that doesn't involve having the legal argument with all it's non-truth-related factors, such as writing an article or blog about your experiences.

The question is do you forgive him or not?