To report SA years after it happened?

[FirePlaceThoughts]

Trigger Warning

My child's father and I were together for about 5 years, and unfortunately the last 2 years of our relationship, he raped/sexually assaulted me frequently.

I was in my early 20s and was very confused about what was happening to me, that we were in a relationship so how could this be rape, I was very much in denial.
I eventually somehow mustered up the courage to confront him on it - he cried and apologised and said he did it because he missed being intimate with me (I hadn't long been diagnosed with post partum depression and the antidepressants shot my libido to the floor).

Bit of a backstory - i had a turbulent childhood and wanted a happy childhood for my son, and at the time i was still in denial and thought the last thing i want is for my son to have a father in prison, hense why I never pressed charges or made any reports about it.

Fast forward 7 years later, I've been very happily single during this time, healing myself, going to therapy and really looking after me and my son. He has gone on to have another child with his current girlfriend.
I only ever communicate with him about our son, who he sees twice a month.
My therapist has helped me set clear boundaries (for example not allowing him in my home to collect our son, but have him wait in the car outside) which has really helped.

I finally now feel like I'm mentally strong enough to report what happened to me.

However, after so long and there not being any physical evidence I'm really worried that when i report this, nothing will happen, and I'll be made out to look like a liar, or like a bitter ex or something, and that ultimately might have some sort of effect on my son, somehow. And my entire life goal is to make sure he is happy and healthy and safe, he is my entire world and my best friend.
I spoke to a support worker who said that it's never too late to report this and the police will help and take it seriously (which im 50/50 on tbh)

Has anyone ever gone through anything similar? Am i being totally unreasonable to report this after all these years?

What is your problem?! What the actual hell are you trying to achieve by scaring the OP into not reporting sexual assault where someone she should be able to trust more than anyone assaulted her more than once! Stop trying to justify his actions and remove yourself from the thread.

OP, he may well be doing this to his current girlfriend, or to others. You should never feel bad for reporting this man. I know you share a child, and if anything I believe this will one day be a lesson for your son too. Let's raise our boys better and show them actions have consequences too

I'm so sorry this happened to you but I really wouldn't put myself through reporting it. Instead I would try and work through your feelings via therapy, etc. (And hope that karma catches up with your ex in other ways)

My ex did this to me., along with regularly assaulting me, threatening to kill me and coercive control pretty much 24/7 (this was between 2008 and 2013 so before CC was officially considered a crime). He was arrested several times, including on one occasion where the police told me that if I didn't press charges he would eventually kill me. He was released without charge every time due to 'lack of evidence'. He also successfully claimed self-defence despite him being twice my size and a military veteran.

Figures that came out recently showed that only 1.3% of reported rapes ever result in a conviction, and this includes cases where there is DNA evidence. I know if I went through this process my entire sexual history (which admittedly is lengthy due to low self-esteem, childhood trauma, etc.) would be discussed, right down to what I wear when I go out.

Apologies for the depressing post, I just feel that the sorry state of affairs in terms of policing, courts, etc. these days is not conducive to women full stop.

@SylvieLaufeydottir Is that an option, simply making a statement to the police so that it's on file if he does it again? Because I think that's also a part of it - I feel some sense of responsibility in protecting other women from him, I understand his actions and choices have nothing to do with me, but even if it's on file, so that if he does do it again and the next one wants to press charges, at least she will have a better chance at a conviction, maybe?

Thanks you for all your input - though I am still just as torn on what to do 😫

I've looked into it and the closest place that offers an ISVA is about 150 miles from where I live (and I don't drive) so I don't think that's an option unfortunately

Would I be able to speak to a police officer about this, off the record? To get their advice? Is that an option?

No. That's not how the system works.

It's not set up to be healing and I don't know anyone who found it anything other than deeply traumatising. It's basically the polar opposite of what all the evidence about trauma shoes to be helpful.

Take up professional therapeutic support. Don't expect the police or criminal justice system to provide therapeutic healing because that's not their purpose. You'll only come out more damaged.

Absolutely not. They don't do that. They can't do that.

If you report, you're treated as a witness. They will investigate you to decide if they believe you.

The police are not on your side.

"Making a statement" means being video recorded describing to a stranger in graphic detail precisely what happened. No euphemisms. Nobody allowed in the room to support you.

And once you do that you have no say on what happens to the investigation next. You can't change your mind. They will trawl your medical records, maybe your phone and email records. Make all of that available to his defence team. Discuss it in open court if it gets that far.

And the recording is there forever.

The press can't report your name, but anyone attending court will know your name.

Pursue trauma therapy from someone with expertise in this area. A trauma therapist wouldn't ask you to do any of the things that would be required of you if you went to the police - for good reason.