Should children/grandchildren always travel to the grandparents?

[marvelousmarmite]

I live 6 hours away from my mum (moved for uni and settled here wit job, met someone etc). Been here 20 years. Mum has moved in that time but chose to stay local to where she was despite no connections there (fair enough). Mum is mid 70s and has full time care of a child for complex reasons - no contact with birth parents. Mum has a 2.5 bed house (two doubles, one v small single) and we have the exact same.

At first, we used to visit each other. We had 2 small kids and she had 1 so we'd have travel cots etc - easy. Then as they got older, it was harder to fit everyone in. One of the conditions of foster child is she has to have her own room. Kids now all teens. One of mine has SEN. It's also v far in either direction and we all have dogs. So for a year or two, we booked a dog friendly Air B&B and went to some nice places about halfway between us instead. Then, with mum's support (helped with deposit and v enthusiastic), we bought a 4 bed, 2 bath holiday house halfway between us (3 hours travel per family). We go there often and happily hosted mum and child and dogs there as often as they wanted. It's in a v nice location and we did all the catering, looking after them etc, planned nice trips. With it just being mum and child, this seemed to be a great holiday option for he as we'd entertain child and look after mum.

However when I invited mum to holiday house for Christmas last year, she instead asked us to go to hers. I gently pointed out that we really can't fit. She said family is all about sleeping on floors etc and just making it work. Mum then decided she's very upset we haven't been to her house in years. She says she no longer wants to travel to the holiday house (she's getting more nervous driving but there is an easy train) and hasn't been this year. She says children normally travel to the grandparent's house and that it's very hurtful we haven't been to her house for a long time. She loves her house and has done some renovations etc that she would like to show off. I spoke to my aunt and she totally agrees with mum and said your house is important to you as you get older as it's your legacy, and this 'half way' arrangement is not suitable. I feel hurt as we bought the house specifically to spend time with mum, in that location for that reason. We don't own another property so it's our only house and it was bought with her in mind. If it wasn't for considering her, we'd have either bought a holiday home much closer or bought where we are (we rent and need to be here for our jobs). I should say I don't regret it as I love our house and we'll retire there. But for mum to now say we should have been going to hers is frustrating. We already travel 3 hours regularly to visit our house so another 3 hours on top of that to see mum in a small house which doesn't even have beds for all of us very unappealing. I don't care that she hasn't been to our main (rental) house - for me it was just about spending time together in a way that worked. She said EVERYONE goes to visit their grandparents, not the other way around. Who is BU?

To answer the basic question of whether children/ grandchildren should ALWAYS travel to the grandparents, the answer should be no / YANBU. There are so many aspects to consider and so, in life, there usually needs to be a compromise. Everyone has their own specific needs.

In your scenario your mother needs to do what is best for her foster child and herself, you need to do what is best for your family/ children. All of you have needs to consider and you should not feel guilty about not staying in an unsuitable house, just as your mum can decide she doesn’t want to travel to the holiday house.

There are two things that might be worth considering - it’s winter. This can often mean poor light plus short days, potential of ice and snow etc., slippery roads, extra traffic in the roads around Christmas, lots of viruses around, feeling more tired. It might be that all this is adding to your DM’s reluctance to drive. Maybe the foster child wants to stay around over the Christmas period to see their friends etc. Your DM might though change her mind and be ready to do the journey in the spring or summer.

Secondly it sounds like your DM is very proud of changes she has made to the house and that she wants you to see these. So she is BU to always expect you to go there or stay there, but she is NBU in wanting you to admire her refurbishments!
It is not viable for the 4 of you to sleep in one room in her house. I think she, and her foster child, also might find it a shock to have an extra 4 staying in the house! It would also be very expensive to stay in a hotel or Airbnb over Christmas. Could a compromise be that your family has Christmas in the holiday house, then a day or two later drive the three hours to her area and hopefully find somewhere cheap to sleep for a night. Then spend that afternoon /evening at her house. All of you make lots of positive comments about her changes. Maybe stop by the next day for coffee or brunch if she has made you feel welcome the day before! If she is disappointed about you not staying, do not feel guilty. It’s not suitable for you to all stay there. Keep calmly repeating that, that you have to consider the needs of your family.

P.s. Ignore any comments by your aunt!

Well I think I'd visit once, book an AirB&B near her so you're comfortable and spend the days with her. That way you spend time in her home but sleep comfortably. I think any objection to that on her part - the idea that your family must be forced to sleep on the floor because 'it's good for you' or misery enhances closeness or something - would be extremely unreasonable.

I don't get all this 'but I moved away' thing at all. Don't most people go away to university and make their own lives wherever their careers take them? That's certainly the norm in my world. I find the idea of sticking around in your childhood home town, for no reason other than that it's where you happened to grow up, quite odd. I understand people moving closer to parents when they have children but that's not always possible or desirable.

Personally I feel if the GP is in good health they should make the effort. My mum never visits me as she points out ‘you moved away’ however she is single, retired, fit and well and has a good income. I had 3 children, no car and one has mobility issues. I am also on a low income.
I know that I did make an effort more than she did.. and and as a result really missed out on my children growing up.

I mean that to my ear 'you moved away' is like saying 'but you grew up'. As if they'd wanted you to remain a little child forever.

And the straight answer to your question is that we all travel and take turns.

I think there are probably hidden issues here.

Given your mum's age, my guess would be that she is starting to be less confident driving but does not want to admit it.

However, it might also be that she has developed a medical issue which she can hide at home but not elsewhere, or the teenager that she is looking after has, etc.

My mum was due to drive down to me this Christmas. It's a long way and she's not really up to it any more. Because she's never been to my new house we agreed that it's really difficult finding houses in the dark and maybe it would be better if I collected her.

Maybe have a chat with your mum and say that you'd love to see her and isn't the driving difficult and see what she says?

Just a thought. Could it be that her own mortality is dawning on her, maybe she wants some memories of Christmas in her own home?

It'll be the driving, her confidence will be going with it. Getting the train sounds like a reasonable compromise but she probably sees it as hastle with the bags etc, especially at Christmas. This is a tough situation