Should children/grandchildren always travel to the grandparents?

[marvelousmarmite]

I live 6 hours away from my mum (moved for uni and settled here wit job, met someone etc). Been here 20 years. Mum has moved in that time but chose to stay local to where she was despite no connections there (fair enough). Mum is mid 70s and has full time care of a child for complex reasons - no contact with birth parents. Mum has a 2.5 bed house (two doubles, one v small single) and we have the exact same.

At first, we used to visit each other. We had 2 small kids and she had 1 so we'd have travel cots etc - easy. Then as they got older, it was harder to fit everyone in. One of the conditions of foster child is she has to have her own room. Kids now all teens. One of mine has SEN. It's also v far in either direction and we all have dogs. So for a year or two, we booked a dog friendly Air B&B and went to some nice places about halfway between us instead. Then, with mum's support (helped with deposit and v enthusiastic), we bought a 4 bed, 2 bath holiday house halfway between us (3 hours travel per family). We go there often and happily hosted mum and child and dogs there as often as they wanted. It's in a v nice location and we did all the catering, looking after them etc, planned nice trips. With it just being mum and child, this seemed to be a great holiday option for he as we'd entertain child and look after mum.

However when I invited mum to holiday house for Christmas last year, she instead asked us to go to hers. I gently pointed out that we really can't fit. She said family is all about sleeping on floors etc and just making it work. Mum then decided she's very upset we haven't been to her house in years. She says she no longer wants to travel to the holiday house (she's getting more nervous driving but there is an easy train) and hasn't been this year. She says children normally travel to the grandparent's house and that it's very hurtful we haven't been to her house for a long time. She loves her house and has done some renovations etc that she would like to show off. I spoke to my aunt and she totally agrees with mum and said your house is important to you as you get older as it's your legacy, and this 'half way' arrangement is not suitable. I feel hurt as we bought the house specifically to spend time with mum, in that location for that reason. We don't own another property so it's our only house and it was bought with her in mind. If it wasn't for considering her, we'd have either bought a holiday home much closer or bought where we are (we rent and need to be here for our jobs). I should say I don't regret it as I love our house and we'll retire there. But for mum to now say we should have been going to hers is frustrating. We already travel 3 hours regularly to visit our house so another 3 hours on top of that to see mum in a small house which doesn't even have beds for all of us very unappealing. I don't care that she hasn't been to our main (rental) house - for me it was just about spending time together in a way that worked. She said EVERYONE goes to visit their grandparents, not the other way around. Who is BU?

I think you're right. I just wish she'd say that. Like 'Look I know the plan was that we'd spend time together at the halfway point of your house, but I can't face it anymore'. Instead she's suddenly angry. And in the meantime we've been hosting her for long holidays there, making sure she was thoroughly spoiled and looked after etc as we thought that was a nice thing to do, so it took me by surprise.

The teenager shouldn't be still with her and is something I tried to guard her against but unfortunately it is complex and now it is what it is. It's very much not working in multiple ways that aren't relevant here.

Being a single parent in your 70s and never being in your own home with another adult around, the only break you get in a holiday home three hours away in which you’re being hosted by another family, must be a specific type of mentally exhausting I really cannot imagine. There’s no point in thinking about what ‘everyone’ does or doesn’t do - almost no one is ever going to have the specific context of your family setup. It’s highly unusual and sounds very far from ideal for your mum and this child.

Although I would add that my mother in law of the same age is very highly focused on wanting to host us at her house, showing off renovations etc.

I left home for uni and never went to my home town. We struggled to visit my parents at Christmas as it no longer felt like home. They now come to us as we have a bigger house and more comfortable with adult children as well. All our friends & children's social circle are in my 'new' town.

It's not ideal and should never have happened. There was a point at which a choice was made and mum did choose this but that doesn't mean it's not really hard in so many ways.

I genuinely thought hosting her for a break from time to time was a nice thing to do. I've always spoiled her so much when she comes to stay precisely because she has no other adults at home. If we go there she'll just run around cleaning, cooking etc and getting stressed. I can see why some people think I'm wrong but I genuinely thought this was a great solution that benefited us all so it's hard to swallow the idea that I've upset her or been 'selfish'. I didn't have to buy a 4 bedroom house, or one halfway between us - that was purely with her in mind.

Her house isn't 'home' to me but I don't mind that in particular. I'm not very wedded to the idea of childhood homes at my age. But I would also say that with the 'halfway house' solution, and with the fact she has a child, she hasn't been to our main home in years either. No school plays or leavers' assemblies or knowing the kids' friends or anything like that - so not seeing the 'home' location or being part of the grandchildren's lives in that way goes both ways (and I'm fine with it from this end).

I absolutely don’t think you’re wrong and didn’t mean to criticise you at all. It’s more that I think you’re tying yourself in knots trying to come up with solutions that work for everyone, but the not-working is baked into the situation and will remain whatever you do. Given that whatever you do will be imperfect I’d personally opt for telling your mum no deal, you’ve invested in this house for the stated reasons and you won’t be leaving it empty at Christmas to travel twice as far and sleep on floors.

Thank you - sorry if I came across as defensive. I didn't feel criticised by you. All the posts are really helpful. I know it's a complicated situation and I'm sometimes so pissed off that she can't just be a granny and have that relationship with my kids but it is what it is.

I agree and that's pretty much what I've opted for so far. I think I just feel really annoyed as this feels like a joint plan that has been turned around on me.

Mum actually said when we bought the halfway house - 'It's weird to think I'll never see your house in X again' - so she clearly had no intention of ever visiting us 'at home' again, and I just assumed that went both ways, for purely practical reasons. It does feel like I've had a bit of a history rewrite happen to me and all the lovely holidays I've hosted are now just part of how I've been awful by not visiting her.

My parents have just been to visit this weekend. We are going in four weeks. For us it is give and take, but all families are different.
once a year we go to my parents’ holiday home. It is tiny and cramped, kids and I stay in a tiny bedroom with kids on the floor, sibling in other tiny bedroom, parents in living room. Works for us but DH doesn’t want to come… to cramped. And when we visit pils we stay in a hotel… whatever works for your family

My mum comes to me weekly.

My in laws live 10 mins away and visit maybe once a year. Sister in law lives 30 mins away and they go weekly.

I live 6 hours from my mum ( mid 70s single) . She has a dog . We don’t. In general she does the travelling to visit ( including out overseas holiday home). She sees this as fair because I work full time and she doesn’t.
I visit her home every 2 years and see her 6 times a year ( maybe 2-3 times at our home and the rest meeting at events or the holiday home) .

your mum is very unreasonable . I would not sleep on the floor / air bed for more than 1 night.

Mum actually said when we bought the halfway house - 'It's weird to think I'll never see your house in X again' - so she clearly had no intention of ever visiting us 'at home' again,

That could have been a miscommunication. Given that you bought this house purely for this reason, maybe she took it as a statement that you didn't want her visiting your house? Though you didn't intend that to be the message, that might have been her interpretation.

As the mother of adults, I've made the same kind of mistake more than once. Over-thinking without actually asking them how they feel, as I didn't want to overstep or sound needy. Only to find that I'd got it wrong and misunderstood their intentions.

With regard to my other posts about us visiting the PILs, I do now see that your family dynamic is different. Although they lived a fairly long distance away, they were devoted and involved grandparents and very easy going. It was their warmth and hospitality that made any floor sleeping fun, rather than irritating. I should recognise that it's not the same for everyone (we certainly would never have done the same at my parents'!)

Depends on level of SEN/ and if there’s 2 beds but my families solution would be kid(s) and dog at her house and then you get a hotel. You stay and do bedtime etc with kids but then slink back to the hotel when she goes to bed. Pop back in time for breakfast at hers.

Is there something particularly special about the location of your holiday house?

If it's just a lovely house and the location is just because it's halfway between your houses, then maybe it's time to cut your losses and sell it. Then either buy where you're living, or buy closer (but not necessarily exactly where) your DM lives.

I do think it can get harder to travel when you get older.

My grandparents would only come to my parents house when someone picked them up and drove them here (5 minute drive away) at one point.

My mother is now chronically ill and doesn't travel, but even before that she would have to be picked up and driven somewhere so we would rally around and have Christmas etc at her house with everyone else sorting the house and preparing food etc.

Leaving the kids wouldn't be an option for a lot of reasons (complex!) including the SEN and lack of beds but I can see how this could work in other circumstances so thank you.

The house is definitely our 'forever house' and selling isn't an option. Although we chose the location as it was halfway to mum, it's now very much where we want to be and is the perfect house for us, longer term (unless the kids move far away then I might follow them to avoid a repeat of this in the next generation haha!) I wouldn't buy where DM lives as it's too far - we wouldn't be there often enough to justify it with a 12 hour round trip. And I'm also uncomfortable owning a house I couldn't get to in an emergency (had to sort out an issue with the house a few weeks ago and was able to get there and back in 24 hours which is good as I'm needed at home due to my caring responsibilities, working FT etc!)

I know what you mean about the driving/travelling though. Think maybe I've been a bit naive to it as my inlaws are in their 80s and not great health and still travelling all over the place, including internationally which I realise isn't the norm.

I agree with PPs that there are no rules who visit whom and it depends on circumstances. I think having specific caring responsibilities and a family member with additional needs change perspective completely. Your mum is absolutely unreasonable here. She finds driving to a holiday home difficult but wants to host a family of 4 with 2 teenagers in a small house for Christmas. And the idea of sleeping on the floor is absolute nonsense.
I don’t think you should agree to this in any way however I think you need to show the interest to her life ( renovation) and visit her. I don’t mean all of you staying with her but maybe your DH and DC could stay in a hotel whereas you can stay with her for a night - have a chat, late cup of tea or a glass of wine. I know your Mum said about grandchildren visiting but they would visit just wouldn’t sleep there and in reality she would get much more out of you staying the night.
She probably forgot how hard hosting was. Her friends are chatting about DGC coming for Christmas or maybe asking why you are never coming, she probably doesn’t share the realities of life with them so feels a bit left out. I would remind her about practicalities ( the amount of beds you need, your back etc) and offer her a compromise reassuring her all the time that your visit didn’t happen earlier because you thought she’s happy with the arrangement and you didn’t want to put pressure on her. She might moan a bit that it’s not what she wanted before but not after. She would probably be exhausted enough by all of you visiting during the day and only you staying.
I wouldn’t visit for Xmas, maybe before, and then offer to pick her up and drive her and her foster child to your holiday home. Would it be possible ?

I would spend a few days at the holiday home then travel to visit but not sleep over, if she isn't happy enough with that then she is being really unreasonable imo.
Sounds like she is stressed understandabley but she has made certain choices that have led her here.
Perhaps it's time to talk to her again about any different options if she is struggling.

I think your mum must feel sad that you and your family just don’t ever cross the threshold of her house. I think @saraclara has explained it really well.

As much as the holiday house was the compromise that enabled you all to spend time together, it’s still an unusual dynamic. But, of course, so is being the guardian of a teen at her age. I’m sure that’s affected her ability to be a grandma over the years, so that must be tough.

Thank you for this lovely, thoughtful post. I think this is probably the way forward. I'm a bit resentful of the cost of accommodation on top of the rent plus mortgage costs that we have (which was taken on with seeing her in mind) because we don't have money to spare really. But I think maybe we just have to start from where we are and find positive ways to move forward. Lots to think about, thanks again.

Yeah there's lots of layers to it really.

It should never have happened and I think I'm a bit resentful as I tried to guard her from this happening but she was determined and so were others in her life. It has certainly changed the whole dynamic - to my kids she's always been far more 'X's mum' than their grandmother. There are also a lot of quite serious problems around the young person in question (understandably) that make spending time together not a straightforward thing. I feel bad because I tried to ask a simple question ('should kids always travel to their parents') but there's so much complexity in the situation that maybe can't be separated out after all. And tbh this isn't even the half of it, I just tried to isolate this one issue!

At this point I'm not sure she has options anymore, bar the whole thing kicking off and going in the toilet, which frankly it could well do as it's not working. But that's a separate issue really. For now, we just have to carry on and hope things work out for both of them, but in the meantime I feel a little caught in the crossfire. Like we made a plan and now suddenly I'm bad for not realising it was actually meant to be secret plan C all along or something.

Probably my least reasonable factor here is that I'll hold up my hand and say I don't like her house. It's cold, it's in the middle of nowhere and her dog is not properly toilet trained so it smells (or did when we were last there which admittedly was ages ago) - mum has no sense of smell but has been told. But those aren't the most important factors - just that it's not really somewhere I can't wait to be. I grew up in a very similar house as well and have become very reactionary to cold, uncomfortable places.

Well if you don't like her house and it's cold then maybe leave the visiting until summer.

If you are sharing the driving then a 6 hour round trip while not fun, is doable in a day.

Leave your holiday home early and get there mid morning, spend the day there, in summer so you can spend time outside and won't be cold, and then drive back to your holiday home at the end of the day, getting home around midnight.

Thanks for all the replies. Need to sleep (/lie awake questioning all my life choices) but I really appreciate the varied thoughts and ideas for how to move forward.