To say that I can't do this.

[Grimupnorth442]

My lovely mum in law is elderly and had a recent fall. We have moved a bed into our living room for her previously she has lived on her own and been mainly independent.
She has around 90,000 in her bank account but is reluctant to pay out for her own care but would give family her last penny and not ask for it. She has been with us for around four days.
My husband got her some continence pull ups just in case in the hope that she would use them at night........nope she keeps shouting on the monitor foe me to take her tonthe toilet. She is down and we re upstairs.
She has gone from being mobile with a walking stick to not being able to hold herself up for more han a few seconds.
I would love to offer her permanent home but I feel like I couldn't cope. Husband and I are a great team and we each do around same amount of hours at work, housework and childcare but she won't let him help her . She is probably very frightened. I'm not sure I could do this on a permanent basis. Out son is 9. He needs a childhood. She isn't dying but needs more support than we can give.
She cries if we ty to talk about it. How do I navigate this with her, I love her but can't be a mum, work full-time and take care of an elderly lady.

I’d tell her she has a choice between carers coming in or a care home.

Sympathies, my mum is not as old but is requiring care and I expect to move her in the next few years.

This sort of behaviour from my nan broke my mum after a fortnight of no sleep. Difference was my mum was late 60s and retired, without the strain of a job or young kids. Nan sadly ended up in a nursing home.

If your MIL can be reasoned with and is in her right mind, I'd be tempted to say "you have to use the pads at night and you have to let your son help do personal care too, otherwise you're going to have to go into a home because I can't cope"

And what does your DH do in these circumstances? She is his mum. Why are you responsible for her?

OP has explained that her MIL doesn't want her DH to tend to her care.

The OP said her and her husband are a great time and split all their chores and child responsibilities, but his mum doesn’t want her son taking her to the toilet. It’s personal care if an elderly woman and she has said no to her son doing it. Are you suggesting he just grabs her and takes her to the toilet, helps her strip by force? Really? He should forcibly strip an old woman and get her in the toilet?

Of course OP can’t do this long term but whilst they sort out a home or carers, she is very kindly doing it for now. And that’s right. The woman deserves dignity and having her son forcibly take her to the toilet is just wrong. So, she needs to accept that OP won’t do this long term so she has to go to a care home but in the meantime, can you continue doing it to help her maintain some sense of control over herself?

It’s also not safe for either you or her if she has mobility issues. You’re not a trained carer and you can’t necessarily lift her safely if she falls. This isn’t sustainable. She either needs to pay for care at her own home or she needs to consider residential care. I can see why she cries when it’s brought up - who wouldn’t be devastated to find themselves in a situation where they can’t get themselves to the toilet with any dignity after years of being a healthy and independent woman, even without the prospect of the huge step of potentially going into a care home? I feel sad on her behalf just thinking about it, and I’m sure you do too. But you cannot, as you say, have a job and care for your child and also provide 24/7 care for an elderly lady who needs physically lifting and supporting and requires personal care like help with the loo. It’s not safe or fair for either you or her.

I say this as someone who has been through sorting this kind of situation with my own parents- dad very disabled, mum fit and well but still not able to manage his very complex care safely. It is horrible to have to arrange care for someone who doesn’t want it, but it does have to be done.

My mum absolutely would not want her son taking her to the toilet or washing her, and my dad wouldn’t want me or my sister doing those things for him either.

This is early days after a fall and her confidence will be at rock bottom. What damage was actually done in the fall... broken femur?
How old is she and how far from you does she live?
At her home does she have downstairs bedroom /bathroom?
Are there any other family members around?

Sorry for lots of questions but no point giving advice that is not relevant!

Unfortunately it’s going to have to be a case of her getting upset.
It’s not sustainable having an old lady take over your lounge for the foreseeable for a start. She can’t make a bedroom in the place where your family relax together.
It’s also unsustainable for her to wake you up every night for the toilet. You work and have a young child.
She will have to pay for carers to come
in or a nursing home. Unfortunately those are the options. You can help along side that but being her primary carer isn’t sustainable

I can totally understand why she is upset. I will continue to support her on the toilet as it is the one last shred of dignity she has. I have been off a few days but tomorrow we both leave for work. She will have to use a pad. My heart breaks for her. I can't and won't force her to let my husband take her to the loo. TBH he used to be a carer so would happily do it but I have to respect her wishes. I know she won't go in a nursing home and I don't think I'll be able to cope with being restricted with when we can and can't go out. We don't get much time as we are both busy so often our outings are spontaneous. I didn't fare well during lockdown so a life so restricted permanently would be hell for me.
I hate seeing her cry but I just cannot do this longer term. I can't issue ultimatums to her at this stage, she is so upset. I hate this for her.

You could try asking MN to move this to Elderly Parents where a lot of people have similar problems

@Bonbon21
We are 20 miles away form her so we can't head back and forth easily. My husband has one sister and she has several grandchildren. None of them want to get involved they are scared that she comes with some responsibility. To bloody right it does the woman needs and deserves love but they don't give a shit. She has a shower room downstairs and we could create a little flat for her on he ground floor, she says she is lonely but then hates the idea of living with strangers. I'd hate it too.
Luckily she is a part time ninja and hasn't broken anything, just bruises and very shaken.

Can you try to get a carer to come in to your home while you are at work? Would she agree to that? Perhaps have someone check in on her, maybe help her shower if she can do that , or wash etc and give her lunch?

That way she may get used to the idea. If she is going to get to a place where she can go home again, a care needs, and OT assessment will be needed so it’s worth kicking those off with the GP or Social Services (I am in Scotland and we can kick these off online).
You are a kind woman, your MIL is lucky she has you.

The hospital regularly discharges patients after a fall even though they’re not capable of looking after themselves. It can take a few months of physiotherapy and support to get them back on their feet. She’s only been out for four days and she’s still very unwell - in a month or so you’ll likely see a massive improvement. There’s a chance that when she recovers she will be able to go back to living independently.

My mum had a fall and broke her hip and leg, when she was discharged she could barely walk. She stayed on my sofa bed downstairs for a couple of months, I had to help her on the commode and lift her in and out of bed, cook all of her meals etc, and literally push her up the stairs to the shower. After a month she was capable of hobbling around herself and getting to the commode, after two months she went home and I brought her meals. It took a while but she got back on her feet and now she walks a couple of miles with a walking stick and goes out on the bus by herself.

I think you should get some paid care for your MIL and give it a couple of months before you make a decision about her long term needs. She hasn’t had a chance to recover yet.

This ^

We had my granny move into our lounge for a few weeks when I was 15. She ended up staying for 3 years. It wrecked my teen years as I could never have friends round, even for a meal. The whole house stank of piss as she had a commode by her bed for night time and she regularly upset it and slopped the contents over the lounge carpet.

You’ll have to take a deep breath and have the conversation with her, if she gets upset carry on, you’re not a carer, you need your sleep so she will have to part with her cash for the care she needs, that is not unreasonable.

Sorry your going through this OP it’s very hard with no perfect resolve.
Just a few thoughts would a commode by her bed enable her to toilet independently over night & while you’re out?
Is this a long term decline in her mobility, or is she likely to improve as injuries from her fall heal?
Looking after someone full time is hard & can easily take over your life, it’s not a commitment to be taken on lightly. If you are consider it then please consider getting some help both with her personal care & potentially house care to take some of the pressure of you & DH & also look into regular planned respite breaks as well. Are there any other family members who can granny sit?
wishing you all the best xxx

I had better reveal that she is 97 so very little chance of rehab. For her age she has done great and she bounced back about 6 months ago but I can't see it happening this time. Old age comes to us all, I can't imagine how she is feeling. I keep trying to see it through her eyes but I'm balancing empathy and love with rage at being so tired.....not at her.

Is Attendance Allowance in place? If not, apply immediately.

Contact social services and request assessment of her care needs. Then arrange carer visits.

Just do it.

@Headabovetheparapets
Thank you she can't actually co ordinate that transfer safely and we do have a really good commode. Her family are shit bags, my husband is the only one who gives a shit. There is no history to it just a while family of self centred idiots.
I love my husband because he is the one that steps up when nobody else does. He is a great son, they are so close but she won't let him do anything involving personal care.
He is however doing everything else. I really do just want to spend some time with my lovely little boy too. But at the moment I'm being the shittest mum ever.

Just a few thoughts would a commode by her bed enable her to toilet independently over night & while you’re out?

See my post above.

My mum moved into a care home recently. While we were waiting for a place to come up at the one we wanted her to live in they said she could attend on a day care basis. I would call your nearest 2 or 3 care homes and ask them about day care. She will be safer while you are at work and you might find she likes it and consents to move in to the one she likes best.

And you need to call the DWP tomorrow for an attendance allowance form. It's £100 a week towards her care and not means tested. Plus call social services for a needs assessment to be done.

Have you had an OT assessment for equipment/adjustments at home?
Did she have physio to help with balance and learning good habits? (It can help even at 97).
Pads are for mishaps*, not in lieu of going to the toilet. It's a sure fire way to sores, skin damage and moisture lesions.

*Or for those with no-one around, sadly.

I think you and DH need to be united and firm on this. Either carers come in or she has to go a care/nursing home. If she were homeleas she'd happily spend that £90k on a house, if she were hungry she'd spend it on food. Care is another need she has that needs to be met and money is, fundamentally, for meeting our needs. Or else we would neither work nor save.

If she is thinking about inheritance, these days such things are of the past. Tell her she has already provided enough for her family.

Can't she have a commode? My concern would be that she tries to get to the toilet by herself and gets hurt.

I think you are being too harsh on family, you are only 4 days in and already struggling... They may have recognised what they can and can't cope with ( and that is fine).

Whilst she is 97 she may still have several years of living to do ( but possibly in a less able state) and you will need to plan for this.

I realise this is distressing for her but if you are providin all the care and trying to hold down a job you will be broken.