To say that I can't do this.

[Grimupnorth442]

My lovely mum in law is elderly and had a recent fall. We have moved a bed into our living room for her previously she has lived on her own and been mainly independent.
She has around 90,000 in her bank account but is reluctant to pay out for her own care but would give family her last penny and not ask for it. She has been with us for around four days.
My husband got her some continence pull ups just in case in the hope that she would use them at night........nope she keeps shouting on the monitor foe me to take her tonthe toilet. She is down and we re upstairs.
She has gone from being mobile with a walking stick to not being able to hold herself up for more han a few seconds.
I would love to offer her permanent home but I feel like I couldn't cope. Husband and I are a great team and we each do around same amount of hours at work, housework and childcare but she won't let him help her . She is probably very frightened. I'm not sure I could do this on a permanent basis. Out son is 9. He needs a childhood. She isn't dying but needs more support than we can give.
She cries if we ty to talk about it. How do I navigate this with her, I love her but can't be a mum, work full-time and take care of an elderly lady.

I expect that tomorrow when she is home alone is when - assuming she has decent cognitive ability - she will realize her wishes to be entirely supported by family are not practical and is a pipe dream. It's sad but you have to be strong that you can only do so much.

What is she going to eat, drink, do all day if she is immobile? You can leave her a sandwich and a flask of tea and the remote control but what is going to happen with the toilet? For her safety insist on incontinence pants and ask her to think about carers / day care at a care home. Some care homes are happy, friendly places. Has she ever been to one?

You need to point out that helping her to the toilet three twice a night plus working all day and being a good mum and wife is not sustainable for you. You will become exhausted. Outside help is necessary.

Did her discharge plan assess her as needing personal care and assumed you would do it? I would suggest you ring Social Services and say an urgent package of care is needed. The difficulty being as she is no longer blocking a bed she won’t be prioritised.

Surely if you are going out to work and she is expected to use a pad for 8/10 hours a day- that would breach hygiene/ health needs/ risk skin breakdown?

If she is immobile and needs meals- she should be entitled to 4*15 minute visits during the day- in our area that is not means tested - although anything more you have to self fund,

If your MIL says she doesn’t want them can you ask the social worker to explain Gp is sending them ? If she respects his opinion) she might refuse care initially ie I am not hungry, I don’t need to go to toilet - but over time become accustomed. The carers will hopefully be nice and she will warm to them? Or the local authority might offer you direct payments which tbh isn’t easy path either.
I would suggest just make sure you are not too easy an alternative during the day to professional help. My relative often refused help as ‘I have lots of friends and family who help’ but it was literally was only me

re; actually getting a package - The difficulty in my experience is that due to resource scarcity professionals will say there is no supports available so ‘family’ ie you alone have to step up to plate. You need to be forceful in saying she will be left in house alone without her basic needs being unmet and you need to work- so they have duty of care.

My relative presented with aggressive behaviours and made allegations- so due to carers refusing to work with relative, my relative didn’t even get the basic package 4* 15 min. My pleas, begs, cries for help were ignored for years by authorities-the day I said I could not go on - that I was taking my relative to a home/hospital as I could not go on ( think chest pains, no real sleep in months, hanging onto my job and just about looking after my weans) I was offered a sitter one night a week!

Would your MIL be open to a day centre - if it was sold as a Womens group needing members- this would be good social opportunity - if it exists in your are

Also I would echo what others say hopefully she gains a little mobility back over next few weeks
what is your hubbys thoughts re long term plan?

my sympathies are with you- it’s really difficult if you try and discuss with her and she becomes upset.

Yes phone social services and ask for OT and care needs assessment x

Gosh, OP, you sound such an amazing, lovely person, with so much empathy for her situation. I do think you'll have to think of it like dealing with a toddler unfortunately. ie. Make her feel like she has SOME agency at least, by offering her the choice of 2 things: carers coming in, or going into a nursing home, as someone else said upthread. Start the conversation saying something like "I'm sure you realise that with our family situation and working full time, you staying here with us caring for you was only a temporary situation while we help you get sorted out with proper professional care. It's your choice whether you go into a nursing home now or see how it goes with paid carers coming in. Do you want to try the carers first or do you want us to go and look at some nursing homes?"

You sound lovely enough that you'll say this sensitively and understand she will get upset. But it's a conversation that HAS to happen.

My heart goes out to you. It sounds such a hard situation.

In a way it is a pity she was sent home. A few weeks of rehab might have moved things forward and she could have gone home in a better state; but at 97 it is likely that they thought the chances of any major progress were small.

Realistically you cannot do this for very long and I agree that the idea of getting carers in during the day while you are at work might let her in lightly to the idea of needing carers at home. Most care agencies send someone out to make an assessment of the needs first and might be unwilling to provide care wqithout the proper equipment.

Has an OT visited to see what is needed.

When I was a SW with elderly people I used to go out to the patient's home and a thorough assessment was made of care and equipment needs before discharge. It is very important that you do not hurt your back when you are helping her.

I would talk to the local social services and ask for an OT assessment in MIL's own home.

It is good of you to be kindly giving this care, but you have to bring your own needs and those of the family to the forefront too.

My dad wore the male version of these when he was struggling to get up to the loo. It took a few days to get used to them. She might worry they won't hold and she will then be lying in a wet bed so perhaps try them during the day and get her to use them to get confidence they won't leak.

www.tena.co.uk/women/products/incontinence-pants/tena-proskin-pants-night-incontinence-pants

Sorry don't mean to drip feed but she didn't go to hospital she fell at home and pressed her emergency pendant. Her neighbour went in and rang us. She wasn't injured badly and refused an ambulance even for checking over. I think she had been on the floor for a good half day. She hates pressing the pendant! She arrived very cold, jittery and hungry as she'd not eaten. She was in shock I think.

She has gone from being mobile with a walking stick to not being able to hold herself up for more than a few seconds.

Do you mean before the fall she was mobile and now she isn't? Is she in pain or just weak? Given you said she refused all medical attention after the fall you should probably ask the GP to give her a check over. When did she last get bloods done, medication reviewed etc?

It sounds like she may have been doing ok independently till this week so possibly hasn't had much medical attention.

Totally reasonable. I looked after a relative with dementia (which I realise isn't exactly the same), who had mobility and continence issues, wakefulness (awake up to 17 times each night), aggression and confusion. It really broke me and has had a lasting impact on my mental health. I had no option but you do so definitely look into care options, either at your house or in a home.