Not to sit Shiva for Dad? Sorry this is a bit Jewish!

[DistrictAndCircle]

My Dad may die soon. He is a secular Jew. I am an even more secular Jew.

When he dies there will be an expectation that we sit Shiva for him. For those who don’t know - this means prayers every night for a week, at his house, with my sister, his siblings and his wife (who isn’t my mum). Friends and family attend, there’s a bit of food, the Rabbi comes etc. It’s meant to send him on his way and be a comfort to the mourners.

This is a big deal even for the most secular Jews.

But I don’t want to do it! It is genuinely stressing me out, and I fear it will make my grief quite a bit worse. It wouldn’t be a comfort to me in the least. It would be the exact opposite.

Dad lives 3hrs drive away. I don’t want to stay at his wife’s house, or in a hotel, for a week. I don’t want to say prayers in a language I don’t know, to a God I don’t believe in, in a room full of strangers and long-lost relatives who I’ve no real wish to re-find. I don’t even want to do it for a day let alone a week.

I want to be in my own house, with my own family, grieving in my own way, whatever that turns out to be. To be honest forcing me to be away from my spouse and kids doing that seems cruel to me. Yet I know it would be seen as unbelievably disrespectful to not do it, and possibly people will think I’m trying to make a point about religion or make it ‘all about me’ etc when actually I just want to be left alone to choose.

I don’t want to disrespect my dad. We’re not particularly close but he’s a decent guy. But… he’ll be dead! So does it matter?! I am much less close to his wife but don’t want to upset her. I suspect this would though. Not for any logical reason. Nobody actually believes in it. It would upset her just because it’s not the done thing and would be a talking point.

Perhaps this is more pertinent to the Jewish contingent but I’d value anyone’s views on whether I’d be being unreasonable to opt out, or whether I should suck it up for the sake of not upsetting people.

I'm not Jewish.

Can you do one day? The day / evening of the funeral?

Does shiva have to be in one place? Can you spend one day at your father's and then say you will sit the rest at home? And then mourn in any way you want.

And it will be you in mourning, no one should tell you what you have to do. My grandmother was a wise woman. She used to say not to drink champagne to celebrate but when you feel down because it is a 'pick up'.

The day she died I went to the pub with a friend and we drank champagne and talked about her.

Say you have Covid.

Send some food to be delivered to those observing with a note about how wretched the timing is.

Your step mother then has something to tell people that explains your absence and no one will want you there if you're sick.

Do something nice before heading home? OP's Dad will have just died, she'll be on the throws of grief! JFC.

That's awful! I can’t imagine not attending my own grandparents funeral and likewise if my DC have kids I'd be devastated at the thought of them not attending my service when I die. Wow 💔 Grandparents aren't a distant relative and an hour's drive shouldn't require a hotel

Not Jewish but an atheist from a minority religion who’s passing away tradition sounds similar. I’d go for a few days if it were me but it would be purely to be around for my siblings. I imagine theres a lot of non praying stuff to be done as well and I would probably be pitching in with that part (teas, food, washing up etc). I think though while you may resent having to do it there may come a point in your life where you may really regret not doing it at all.

I think funerals are for the living not the dead so I get exactly where you are coming from but theres also the family aspect. When my grandmother died I saw some cousins I hadn’t see for a while and I was able to catch up with them, we told jokes which were in poor taste and then drank a bit too much. It was actually ok and I had been dreading it.

How judgemental @PabloandGustheGreySquirrels 😵‍💫.
OP I wouldn’t lie about your feelings, that won’t help at all.
I would have a word with your stepmother about how you feel and do whatever you feel best.
I lost both my parents during Covid, I didn’t go to my father’s funeral, I sat with my mother who was too poorly to attend it.
My mother’s funeral was awful, restricted numbers, no hymns and it gave me no comfort at all. In fact I haven’t grieved for either of them for various reasons.
I’m sorry that you’re going through such a difficult time that’s being compounded by others’ expectations.

I was going to suggest something like this. Perhaps 2 nights though? Day of levoyah and the next one. I've known observant families where a close mourner is a) not so observant and b) lives distant, do this. Depending on when he dies this might work anyway if Shabbat is a couple of days after levoyah. Either way, wishing you strength in the coming days (did you know there's a Jewish section on Mumsnet?)

OK, it's a week out of your life (as someone once said to me) but shiva is there for a reason and I think if you don't sit, you will regret it later.

Re read what she put, she said, "hours" as in a multiple of an hour not one hour.

I meant a gentle thing like a walk somewhere scenic, rather than a trip to Alton Towers. It would also give the children something to do and a chance to let off steam after a long journey, an afternoons at quietly, and before another long spell in the car.

OP asked what I would do, and this is what I would do.

Exactly what I was thinking (but Covid the whole time).