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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about my 40th Birthday

31 replies

Mamorau · 12/11/2023 16:56

I was 40 earlier this year (May) and I’m feeling really fed up at the fact my family and friends haven’t bothered celebrating with me.

As a group of friends we always arrange a weekend away for each others special birthdays, I’m the 4th of out 5 in the group to reach 40 and we had a weekend away for the other 3 which I went along to but for my birthday since May there’s been what feels like excuses as to why we haven’t been able to get away, no free dates to suit everyone, can’t agree where to go etc. by now I’m feeling whats the point my birthday has been and gone.

Also my family as in parents and siblings seem to have forgotten it was a special birthday too, no meal out together, no cake, nothing. We always usually celebrate special birthdays, anniversaries etc. but then it is always me that makes the arrangements.

I feel like I spend all my time bending over backwards to make everyone else happy or help everyone but that doesn’t seem to be repriocated.

So AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 12/11/2023 17:02

So you stop doing or organising anything. At all. If anyone has the cheek to ask, you point out that you "didn't think we were doing birthdays anymore as no-one bothered with my 40th".

ShippingNews · 12/11/2023 17:07

I used to be like you, organising everyone else's birthdays but nobody bothered with mine. It was very upsetting and I fully sympathise with you. I know how much it stings.

After my non-existent 40th, many years ago, I decided to take my fate in my own hands. I planned my own birthdays, bought myself something nice, or went somewhere to spoil myself.

You've spent 6 months being disappointed, op. Time to move past that, and to look after yourself. I promise you'll feel much better !

EC22 · 12/11/2023 17:08

If you want to do something nice, arrange something nice. Don’t rely on others for things that are important to you, it’s not as important to anyone else.

SeulementUneFois · 12/11/2023 17:10

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 12/11/2023 17:02

So you stop doing or organising anything. At all. If anyone has the cheek to ask, you point out that you "didn't think we were doing birthdays anymore as no-one bothered with my 40th".

This OP.

mrsbyers · 12/11/2023 17:20

Just stop organising for everyone else

bungletru · 12/11/2023 17:20

I feel for you, I really do.

time to stop doing stuff for everyone and time to look out for you!
I was like you, granted I’m a fair bit younger but the lack of appreciation and reciprocal behaviour made me stop too.

now you need to go and make the most of your fortieth - be selfish and do whatever it is you want ♥️

OrigamiOwl · 12/11/2023 17:22

Stop organising for everyone else. If any one queries just say you'd assumed everyone had stopped doing birthday.

Ktime · 12/11/2023 17:23

Happy 40th Birthday, OP!

Sorry they’ve all been shit. I would stop making special effort for them all, including your parents.

Just match their effort, so no extras.

Don’t be available for weekends away or offer to organise anything anymore.

Autumnleaves89 · 12/11/2023 17:43

Not at all unreasonable. This is really shitty, I am sorry 💐

Vettrianofan · 12/11/2023 17:47

Book your own trip away. I didn't want a fuss on my 40th but fair enough for those who do.

rockinginarockingchair · 12/11/2023 17:57

My sister turned 40 last year i said what you want to do.
She replied with nothing its just another day i`ll have a birthday again next year.
I sent her a gift card for £50.
We never did make a fuss over birthdays no matter what the age.

Happy birthday and treat your self maybe you could book in to a spa for the day.

RedCoatSearch · 12/11/2023 18:04

That's v disappointing OP & I don't blame you for feeling v let down.

I echo what others have said -big step back now & stop organising things for everyone else.

Will you say something to your friends?

WishingForPlantOff · 12/11/2023 18:11

I'm similar, no-one ever gives much thought to my birthday. I put thought into everyone elses birthday, planning + imagination for good gifts or places to go. I get back last minute presents, half baked ideas + lame excuses.
After a particuarly rubbish year, I decided I really needed to give up on the idea someone will do it for me. I took ownership of my own happiness + now organise what I want to do myself. Its not great that it all has to come from me, but it does mean it is my choice. I always include something that will make me feel special; my favourite food, drink, place or thing to do.

I have come to the conclusion that I give off a kind of "organiser" vibe + people just naturally leave it to me to sort out things. Birthdays. Nights out. Holidays. There is a person in every group and family when you think about it who always takes the lead on organising. Its those times when everyone on chat says "oh we must have a night out", others agree + then nothing happens. Then it repeats. Until finally an "organiser" steps up + arranges something. If I don't step up, nothing gets arranged. Fine with friends, but with my family its so bad that I get "volunteered" + forced into it. If this is you, you aren't alone. I'm afraid I have no idea how to fully shake the role, but pointing it out can help, although its usually temporary.

BeingGivenMoney · 12/11/2023 18:15

I had to miss my 40th birthday celebrations due to being unwell. People wanted to celebrate it but I was in a very low place with regards my health (mood wise) and I just didn’t want to see anyone or do anything even though physically I was completely up to it.

That was a few weeks ago now, and now my low mood has lifted and I’m feeling more like myself I feel absolutely gutted that I didn’t celebrate it.

The initial plan had been a big family meal and party etc and instead I had nothing. Not even a cake or a sodding balloon.

I know it wasn’t celebrated at my request, and I genuinely emotionally wasn’t up to it at the time, but I can’t stop feeling sadness that it’s simply passed by and I’ll never get another 40th.

So although our circumstances are different OP, I really do empathise with the upset.

user1846385927482658 · 12/11/2023 18:19

Have you directly told them how disappointed you are that your birthday hasn't been celebrated?

DomPom47 · 12/11/2023 18:19

I would organise a weekend away for yourself or a show and dinner for yourself something you yourself would 100% enjoy. It’s shit that they have forgotten/not got together to organise something but you can’t change that.

TeaGinandFags · 12/11/2023 18:19

WishingForPlantOff · 12/11/2023 18:11

I'm similar, no-one ever gives much thought to my birthday. I put thought into everyone elses birthday, planning + imagination for good gifts or places to go. I get back last minute presents, half baked ideas + lame excuses.
After a particuarly rubbish year, I decided I really needed to give up on the idea someone will do it for me. I took ownership of my own happiness + now organise what I want to do myself. Its not great that it all has to come from me, but it does mean it is my choice. I always include something that will make me feel special; my favourite food, drink, place or thing to do.

I have come to the conclusion that I give off a kind of "organiser" vibe + people just naturally leave it to me to sort out things. Birthdays. Nights out. Holidays. There is a person in every group and family when you think about it who always takes the lead on organising. Its those times when everyone on chat says "oh we must have a night out", others agree + then nothing happens. Then it repeats. Until finally an "organiser" steps up + arranges something. If I don't step up, nothing gets arranged. Fine with friends, but with my family its so bad that I get "volunteered" + forced into it. If this is you, you aren't alone. I'm afraid I have no idea how to fully shake the role, but pointing it out can help, although its usually temporary.

Do a seriously crap job. Have an emergency. Organise a magnificent cock up. Or simply refuse on the grounds it's someone else's turn.

OP, organise a belated humdinger just for yourself. Promise yourself to make your special occasions special znd let the others go hang. They've shown their colours so let them be.

Zanatdy · 12/11/2023 18:22

I would be upset too. I’ve gone to a lot of trouble for family’s special bdays recently, cake, meal, break if they want. I’d be upset if no-one did the same for me.

menopausalmare · 12/11/2023 18:24

To have a successful birthday, you need to regularly drop the fact into the conversation, drive party plans and ensure there's a date in the calendar early on.

NalafromtheLionKing · 12/11/2023 18:25

Perhaps you should organise something belated that you would like (and choose the destination etc), as you have the organiser role.

Original poster
Mamorau · 12/11/2023 18:32

WishingForPlantOff · 12/11/2023 18:11

I'm similar, no-one ever gives much thought to my birthday. I put thought into everyone elses birthday, planning + imagination for good gifts or places to go. I get back last minute presents, half baked ideas + lame excuses.
After a particuarly rubbish year, I decided I really needed to give up on the idea someone will do it for me. I took ownership of my own happiness + now organise what I want to do myself. Its not great that it all has to come from me, but it does mean it is my choice. I always include something that will make me feel special; my favourite food, drink, place or thing to do.

I have come to the conclusion that I give off a kind of "organiser" vibe + people just naturally leave it to me to sort out things. Birthdays. Nights out. Holidays. There is a person in every group and family when you think about it who always takes the lead on organising. Its those times when everyone on chat says "oh we must have a night out", others agree + then nothing happens. Then it repeats. Until finally an "organiser" steps up + arranges something. If I don't step up, nothing gets arranged. Fine with friends, but with my family its so bad that I get "volunteered" + forced into it. If this is you, you aren't alone. I'm afraid I have no idea how to fully shake the role, but pointing it out can help, although its usually temporary.

Yes I do tend to be the 'organiser' but sometimes it would be nice to have someone organise something for you, wouldn't it.

I won't mention it to friends or family that I'm upset, because I don't like confrontation and I hate to upset people!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamorau · 12/11/2023 18:33

Thanks everyone for your responses, its made me feel better that I'm not being silly. My DH often tells me to take a step back and stop helping people so much, maybe I should listen to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamorau · 12/11/2023 18:35

BeingGivenMoney · 12/11/2023 18:15

I had to miss my 40th birthday celebrations due to being unwell. People wanted to celebrate it but I was in a very low place with regards my health (mood wise) and I just didn’t want to see anyone or do anything even though physically I was completely up to it.

That was a few weeks ago now, and now my low mood has lifted and I’m feeling more like myself I feel absolutely gutted that I didn’t celebrate it.

The initial plan had been a big family meal and party etc and instead I had nothing. Not even a cake or a sodding balloon.

I know it wasn’t celebrated at my request, and I genuinely emotionally wasn’t up to it at the time, but I can’t stop feeling sadness that it’s simply passed by and I’ll never get another 40th.

So although our circumstances are different OP, I really do empathise with the upset.

Sorry you had a rubbish time too, but glad you're feeling better!

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 12/11/2023 18:35

You are unreasonable in that it was six months ago. But it's mean of them no to arrange anything.

Wendysfriend · 12/11/2023 18:37

Aww happy belated 40th birthday 🎂🎂🎂🍾🍾🍾

It's shit when this happens, especially for a big/ milestone birthday. Whatever about other birthdays this is a big one and most people mark it, celebrate it, etc

It's pretty rubbish when you usually organise something for others and they make no effort at all.

I was 50 the beginning of the year, out of 5 siblings 2 acknowledged it. In-laws didn't even text. My friend of 30 years forgot 🤷 we're only a year apart, we always message and big birthday's we send a gift, I went all out for hers, really put thought into her presents and I got a text at 1am the next morning going," oh yeah happy birthday hope you had a good day". She remembered I was 50 a week later, and actually text me to have a go at me because I didn't organise something and to let her know when I want to celebrate 🤦

It's not about big parties and huge gifts and people going all out, it's just some acknowledgement on the day from those close to you, that's all we want.