To feel like I have no friends

[berryfull]

Just had a couple of rubbish months. Bereavement in DH family meaning lots of solo parenting and illness (covid and tummybug) on top of an already stressful life with two DC with ASN.

Hardly anyone contacted me atall. The couple of people that did just sympathised but did nothing. No help or support or even just token of friendship/ cuppa/ phone call . I don’t have any family close and thought I had good friends. But really hasn’t felt that way atall

I don’t generally like asking for help, don’t want to bother others. But genuinely did need help. The few people I got in touch with to either ask for some practical help (like help with school run when I was ill, or to babysit, or to walk dog when i was ill) or to tell I was really struggling either sympathised but didn’t get back to me or made excuses not to help . I even swallowed pride and told a couple of people how isolated and lonely I was feeling. They just made guilty excuses and made me feel guilty for saying it. They’d been busy. They didn’t realise. It was very uncomfortable.

so I got on with it, put it behind me. Tried to just be normal with people when I was better and did see them around town.

but then this weekend more illness and on my own due to DH dealing with bereavement and again, no friends, no support. The two people I asked for help let me down. I have told 3 or 4 others that I’m alone this weekend. The only help I’ve asked for is maybe meet up for a cuppa or a walk or something small just to help get me through the weekend. I haven’t asked for much. It’s hard work single parenting 2 DCs with ASN while ill. One friend arranged to meet me and DC this afternoon for a cuppa/ walk and then didn’t turn up. Apparently forgotten.

I’ve realised from the experience that I don’t really have any friends. I thought I did but I don’t. I know lots of people, through the DC , through work, through neighbourhood. But none of them actually seem to care about me. Not sure how I got to almost half a century to feel really lonely and alone.

I’ve always been a good friend. Am always kind and sociable . To some folk I considered close friends I have often sacrificed my own time and made them a priority when circumstances in their lives meant they needed me. But now I don’t understand. These people aren’t here for me.

i don’t know what to do. Disinclined to make a fuss and tell anyone how I’m feeling. But then should I?

thankfully I have a really good relationship with my DH but still. I thought I had friends.

There’s nothing like illness or bereavement to show you how crap most people are.
When DH was very unwell the people I did ask just did not want to help and made ridiculous excuses. I only asked for small favours like pick ups to help me get to the hospital. But then would say ‘but let me know if you need anything’ I did!
One of them seemed to think it was then okay to ask me for lots of help because I’d dared to ask her one small favour. All whilst DH was in hospital, no I don’t want to babysit your kids!

It’s gotten to the point I just don’t ask anyone for anything. Most people offer because it makes them sound good but don’t actually want to help.

Yes when the bereavement happened I got lots of « let me know if you need anything »

which then either meant I have to ask people to help, which I’m not good at.

and the few times I did I got excuses as to how they’d like to help but couldn’t actually

I don’t want the earth, I only asked for things that wouldn’t put people out to much. Like walking my dog when they were walking there’s already or doing school run when they were passing on their ibdebticke school run. Or hoping for a phone call/ visit/ chat/ token of friendship/ something to know I was being thought of and having my spirits lifted. Things I do for others and always have done.

I know none of you know me and can tell me whether I’m a likeable character or not.

i guess I’m just using this forum as a way to talk about this and get some perspectives and conversation. I’m feeling very sad and lonely and trying not to feel angry.

is it common to feel this way.

for context. I’m nearly 50. Kids recently in high school. Lived in the same place 25 years . No family nearby . Not many hobbies. Self employed.

I’m so sorry you’ve had this dispiriting experience at such a difficult time, OP.

I hate that phrase ‘let me know if you need anything’ . Doesn’t give you any idea of what they’re prepared to do, and puts all the onus onto you to ask.

What is the matter with people, after all if you help people, you can ask for help when you need it. Has it deteriorated since Covid- my hunch is that it has.

I must admit having covid recently was a very different experience to in 2020 /21. Back then folk were dropping off casseroles . This time round I was dragging myself out on school run (in a mask) or out with the dog twice a day regardless as no choice.

I’m sorry OP. I’ve come to realise that most of my friendships are very shallow and as you say they don’t actually care. A couple might do but not many. It’s like Facebook friends.

I do think some people are just way more unselfish than others. My ‘best’ friend who I meet every week always lets me down if I ask for help, even though I’ve done her many favours. But a mum I hardly know who lives on my street was happy to do school runs for me when I was sick. Not a big favour maybe but it meant a lot.

We need to make friends with nicer people I think.

I am so sorry op. I think we all do it, offer to help, express sympathy then head off in the opposite direction and wade through our own crap that isn’t even close to what other people do. My friend ranted at me the other day about What bs it was people offering to help and it’s true, when her dad died we all talked the talk, but she’s the other end of the country and with work and kids we all basically got to see her once, sent her some are you ok texts (she said she couldn’t talk about him on the phone) and a package. She said it’s fine but I’d have liked someone to actually be there for me or some extra help with the kids etc etc. life is just too busy for everyone and it’s so awful

Thanks for the chat and sympathy

I’m wondering whether it’s something that happens at the end of primary school/beginning of high school? When the intensity of primary school social scene is waning? Did anyone notice a difference in friendships then? I think quite a lot of my closest friends over the last decade have tended to be people also with kids in the same school /clubs whatever. But that feels like it’s changed.
i don’t have time to socialise with work friends really or take up hobbies as kids have ASN and still need care and I’m self employed so tend to squeeze work when I can.
not sure what to do. Feel to old and tired to go find new friends. Should I just level with the ones I have and tell them how I feel?

sorry you’ve been through this. Your last post saying end primary/start of secondary friendships start dropping off with school mums unless you’ve got a v firm basis and your kids remain good friends- if there’s no other aspect of your lives you share then it’s going to wane.
At primary I felt like I had a lot of mum friends and we were always doing favours for each other or meeting for coffee etc, i but it doesn’t last so people won’t really be doing favours any more.
Most of my solid friends are from my teenage years and a few from my old work too (mainly cos we’re all local).

I’m sorry op. I think many people are just thoughtless and only think about themselves.
I’d stop doing any favours back.

Do you think I should say something to any of them?

Op I found that too. Maybe covid different people helped out more then. I find same now thank god our kids reared as there no one to call on. My eyes were opened after our dad passed who the loyal people were/not.

Or is it just likely to make people defensive and things awkward?

i usually feel that if you need to ask someone to be nice to you then it’s not a real relationship

I’m resisting the urge to take to social media /WhatsApp about it. But if I get any sadder I might. Although that’s just too cringey.

Difficult. In an ideal world, one would be able to give feedback of this kind gently but assertively, and the other person would be able to hear that they’d let you down without their own buttons being pressed, and acknowledge how painful that must have been. Then Commit to being more helpful In future and you part with the friendship stronger.

IRL…people’s awareness of their actions, and their effects on other people, is often limited, and many people are very sensitive to implied criticism.

additionally many people feel they are carrying their own barely manageable load ( (even if that load is, in fact , self-imposed from pursuing a really nice, fun life full of treats) and would find it challenging to hear they ‘should’ have helped you.

Be prepared for people to withdraw from you completely if you say something.

It’s very tough, I know, when you’ve helped people in the past and they’ve not reciprocated, but have a good think about what you’re likely to achieve by saying something.

My personal experience has been that if you focus on being the best friend you can be to people then it is far more rewarding than concentrating on how you aren’t being treated right according to your definition of a true friendship. If you expect nothing then you can’t be disappointed

That’s what I’ve experienced so far /what I’m afraid of Keepongoing :-(

pigsy, this is my usual position to be honest. But the last couple of months I’ve just really needed friends and it’s just been so obvious that they aren’t there for me :-(

You have my full sympathy berryfull

i think I’m coming to the sad conclusion that I just need to realise that I don’t really have friends anymore.

A bit heartbreaking to get to my age and realise that.

You have my sympathy too, berryfull.

It’s a very painful experience and sounds like you’ve had an exceptionally crap weekend.

Tbh I doubt there is little to be gained in saying something, and I wouldn’t in your position…unless the opportunity came up organically, one to one.

but I’d be keeping track of the favours I’d done people and if they haven’t come through for you, be less ready to help them next time they ask for something!

It also feels like all the friends that I thought were my close friends have better friends that they default to.

I just saw your last post berryfull - perhaps all this has shown that your current friendships are not very active anymore. People’s friendships do change. When things are easier, you can make new friends.

To be honest I’d probably still be inclined to help anyone that needed it.

just so sad

happened to me OP, when i became a single mum. friends/family never came to visit. no one has time for a call or text, knowing i'm home alone, evert night. they used covid as an excuse, but were doing it before and are doing it since. i've cut them out of my mind now and just find online friends. i have decent neighbours i can call on in a complete emergency. i do use the school mum groups to cheer myself up, but am not getting attached as i know it's just a temporary/convenience thing to most people.

which part of the country in? i'd be your friend if you needed a friend.

You should tell those people close to you how you feel without feeling like you're being needy or an imposition - very unBritish, I know!

People often don't think about how an in-law bereavement would affect you as opposed you a loss on your side, where they'd be much more conscious.

People are busy, but if you tell them how your feel, friends that are worth anything are receptive.

Hugs to you though, OP.