To feel like I have no friends

[berryfull]

Just had a couple of rubbish months. Bereavement in DH family meaning lots of solo parenting and illness (covid and tummybug) on top of an already stressful life with two DC with ASN.

Hardly anyone contacted me atall. The couple of people that did just sympathised but did nothing. No help or support or even just token of friendship/ cuppa/ phone call . I don’t have any family close and thought I had good friends. But really hasn’t felt that way atall

I don’t generally like asking for help, don’t want to bother others. But genuinely did need help. The few people I got in touch with to either ask for some practical help (like help with school run when I was ill, or to babysit, or to walk dog when i was ill) or to tell I was really struggling either sympathised but didn’t get back to me or made excuses not to help . I even swallowed pride and told a couple of people how isolated and lonely I was feeling. They just made guilty excuses and made me feel guilty for saying it. They’d been busy. They didn’t realise. It was very uncomfortable.

so I got on with it, put it behind me. Tried to just be normal with people when I was better and did see them around town.

but then this weekend more illness and on my own due to DH dealing with bereavement and again, no friends, no support. The two people I asked for help let me down. I have told 3 or 4 others that I’m alone this weekend. The only help I’ve asked for is maybe meet up for a cuppa or a walk or something small just to help get me through the weekend. I haven’t asked for much. It’s hard work single parenting 2 DCs with ASN while ill. One friend arranged to meet me and DC this afternoon for a cuppa/ walk and then didn’t turn up. Apparently forgotten.

I’ve realised from the experience that I don’t really have any friends. I thought I did but I don’t. I know lots of people, through the DC , through work, through neighbourhood. But none of them actually seem to care about me. Not sure how I got to almost half a century to feel really lonely and alone.

I’ve always been a good friend. Am always kind and sociable . To some folk I considered close friends I have often sacrificed my own time and made them a priority when circumstances in their lives meant they needed me. But now I don’t understand. These people aren’t here for me.

i don’t know what to do. Disinclined to make a fuss and tell anyone how I’m feeling. But then should I?

thankfully I have a really good relationship with my DH but still. I thought I had friends.

This sounds rubbish OP. I think a lot of us would pick up kids on the way past or walk a dog etc for a neighbour or acquaintance, let alone an actual friend. I'm not a people pleaser but don't have an issue helping people who genuinely need it as long as they don't take the pass.

I have been surprised when we had a bereavement this year and i was ill, a couple of friends did actually help me out practically by taking the kids and it really helped. However, I don't have loads of friends, I am socially awkward and struggle with things like groups of mums on the school run. Which is clearly not ideal but it does seem to filter out all the shit / fake people. Sorry not sure what I'm trying to say other than not your fault at all, maybe you're too nice and People take advantage? Do you think you're a people pleaser? Have people let you down before?

I'd only say something if I genuinely wanted to carry on being friends but wanted to clear the air. Otherwise I'd just quietly distance myself and only say something if asked, and even then I'd say I felt let down as really needed some practical help and felt like no one was there for me. Otherwise there will be drama but with no outcome.

What's ASN?

I've been in hospital recently and have really really appreciated the very odd person who has sent a meal to my husband and three kids, or gone 'right, we'll pick yours up and take them to rugby practice' or 'I can take your son to drama tonight with mine' and other very specific offers of help.

It's the people texting 'let me know if you need anything' who probably mean well but who you never actually get any help from and if you ask they are too busy.

You really do find out who is a real friend in a bit of a crisis and it's often not who you would think. One of my oldest friends didn't even text me good luck for my surgery, neither did my in laws, but a random school mum who I barely know looked after two of my children for a whole afternoon so my husband could visit me. Sorry people have been a bit crap OP, often they don't really know how to help, or that's what they tell themselves, but if they know you I'm sure they could think of something practical they could just do without being asked.

ASN - additional support needs

it’s more my usual style to say something to be honest . But I tried with a couple of people and it didn’t feel good. Just defensiveness.

but if I leave it I think I’ll just end up feeling bitter and backing away from friendships anyway

OP I have been and am in your position and it really does hurt, especially if you know you’d do anything for them in return.

Not sure what to suggest just wanted you to feel less alone in your thoughts. People are rubbish!

Different circumstances but I have been in a similar situation so completely sympathise.

I don't know what the solution is really. Maybe continue to keep making friends as you go through life and hopefully the odd helpful one will stick. Whenever I've left jobs I'm always surprised which colleagues immediately fall away and which ones stick.

One thing that shocked me when DH was poorly was how many people literally never enquired how he was.
I actually ran into my oldest friend, briefly told her what was happening. She never ever asked about it. I realised then we were done.
The 2 people I am friends with did ask and actually asked how I was. Which when people can’t give you help is actually the nicest thing you can do.

Hmm, I don’t know, I think OP is expecting too much. I wouldn’t expect unpaid childcare or dog walking etc from anyone but a partner or family, friends or not. Maybe a neighbour I was close with or knew for years etc.

Generally friends are for having fun with and yes would sympathise, bend an ear etc, but I wouldn’t expect help of that kind as in my experience everyone has their own busy lives.

I understand you. I am feeling the same. I thought I had friends, but it turns out they were only contacting when they needed something. I have no close family except my inlaws, but since my divorce I barely see them despite them telling me I always been part of their family but i was not invited to the christening of my nephew's kid or not inviting to the niece wedding, it is heartbreaking. My friends are top busy posting on social media how mental health is very important and to be there for each other but they never calll me, if i don't call them, I will nvee heard from them. One of them used to mind my daughter for 5 years but decided to find another job giving me a week notice, i did not mind as i understood perfectly that she was going to earn more with her new job, I was lucky to find alternative childcare however now she is never in contact unless I call her. It seems she was only my friend when i was paying her to mind my daughter, she is always to busy when I offer to meet up. My best friend is my ex sil in law, we were very closed even after my divorce but since my ex husband had a new partner she is taking her distance, she did not like the previous girlfriend but she seems to like this one so she kind of put me aside now. I called her last Monday, she was busy and said she called me back, I am still waiting for her call. I really don't have anyone, like you I realise that I am on my own and that people always say if you need anything but don't mean it.

It's a difficult one.

I would offer to help if it was needed. And it would be a genuine offer. If I didn't receive a request for help, then I would assume it wasn't needed.

I wouldnt offer to do something specific (eg walk a job or pick children up from school) because I wouldn't know what was needed and, tbh, when people do offer, it tends to be offers of things that won't inconvenience the offerer but aren't necessarily help that is needed and then people feel obliged to accept so as not to appear rude or ungrateful but no one has actually benefited from it.

If people have offered help, I would contact them with specific requests.

I am sorry to hear this. It hurts and feels awful. In your shoes (and I have been there) I would not tell friends how let down you feel - not right now, at least - as you may be in a place where you burn bridges, and the conversations that come from that may leave you feeling much worse than you already are.

And I don’t at all want to sound like I am making excuses for anyone, but I wonder if the fact you have had 2 highly contagious illnesses might be a factor in why people are keeping their distance? I wonder if people might have been happier to pop round and pitch in if D&V and Covid weren’t complicating the situation with your bereavement. I only offer this as it may be a more pragmatic explanation than that people don’t care.

I think people generally are so wrapped up in their own lives that they forget how to listen and how to help others.
You have every right to feel upset, especially as you have asked people direct. Get through your immediate crisis and then focus on meeting new people, and give new friendships time to develop.

Yes people so busy now. Its disheartening at times. I notice my texts were what i can do for others its never other way around!! I do try and help others neighbours bus late that type of thing.

I sympathise.

As you say, we can't tell if you're a likeable person or not BUT I suspect there is a high chance this is about them, not you.

If a neighbour / school mum friend asked me for help like taking kids to school when I was walking there anyway, I would do it unless I had a VERY strong dislike for her for some valid reason. And I think you would know if this were the case.

Likewise, some of the people I would turn to for help I know would help me in a heartbeat. And it's morning to do with how much they like me. It's just because that's what they do and I know they would help anyone, regardless of how much they liked them.

So it could be that you've reached out to some pretty self-centred people. Try not to take it to heart.