My mum tells my aunty everything.

[Mooshamoo]

Me and my mum get on fine . I have one aunty (mum's sister) that I do not get on with at all. We do not like each other. She has never been nice to me. She has never been like an aunt to me. She has never asked how I am, am I ok. Ever. The only rtime she has talked to me has been to be nasty to me. Shehas been nasty to me several times. We don't talk at all now.

My mum is very close to her sister. If I say anything bad about her sister, my mum gets annoyed. So I've decided you know that even though I don't like my aunt, I don't want to upset my mum/aunts relationship. Its up to my mum. That's their bond.

My mum knows I don't like my aunt...However it's hard that my mum and aunt are close and I really don't like my aunt. As my mum used to tell my aunt everything about me. Ive asked my mum not to tell my aunt anything about me. As I know my aunt will then tell my other aunt stuf about me, and she talks badly about me to everyone

Something happened in my life last week that I wanted to keep private, and my mum rang my aunt and told her. It upset me. My mum said it just slipped out. I can understand. But the situation is so difficult and it makes me and my mum argue, as I don't want my aunt to know stuff about me

.

It is very hard to manage the relationships of :
Me and my mum are close
My mum and my aunt are close
Me and my aunt really intensely dislike each other. Honestly we are not like aunt and niece at all. We really don't like each other in any way shape or form. There is very bad feeling between us. We are like strangers at best

I'm not sure what to do

Part of being an adult and changing the parent child relationships to an adult relationship is knowing that parents are not perfect.

My mum tells everyone everything. I realised that this is her nature and she would never change. I had to change so I stopped telling her things I didn’t want other people to know. We still have a good relationship but I do keep something’s private.

You know your Mum if you don’t want your aunt to know don’t tell your mum. You have to change not her.

Its just hard as I think it has also ruined a lot of the relationship between me and my mum
I've had so many small arguments with my mum, when I've said will you please not tell a my aunt anything, can we just privacy and have our own lives as a family.

But she will.

I've tried a couple of times to get on with my aunt for my mum's sake but it just doesn't work. She will be nasty to me about somehting again and I'll be hurt
we just can't get on , there is too much bad feeling between us

oh well. I'll just have to try tell my mum less

I don't tell my mum any big things.

But the small things I tell her. And I feel like my mum tells my aunt - my every move.

One time I heard my mum on the phone to my aunt
.
She said "Sarah is going here. Then she is going there. Shell be getting the bus at 6
Then she'll be getting a taxi to the hotel. She is staying there for two days. Yeah her flight is at 9.
She is meeting her friend Alice there. Then they are going to another place to meet this person..then she'll be coming back on Monday".

I think my mum is a bit nervous of my aunt, as she babbles on and tells my aunt everything. My aunt doesn't tell my mum the same level of info about her own adult children.

Have you ever asked your aunt why she is such a bitch? You're an adult now so you don't have to be nice to her any more.
But yes sadly your mum is not going to change after all these years, so you have to tell her nothing, or accept that your aunt will be told and stop caring about that. Because in the end what does it matter what your aunt says?

This. Stop telling your Mum stuff you want kept private. She's shown you repeatedly, she can't keep your confidence.

I just think she is a bit of a bully. She loves favouring some people and leaving other people out.

I have another aunt (aunt 2) and this aunt (bitchy aunt) and my other aunt are closer to each other, them she is to my mother. Those two aunts would often leave my mother out of things when she was younger. Which my mother has now forgiven my auntie for.

My aunt also treated my other aunts children much nicer than she treated me. The other cousin would get nicer presents / days out. I was looked down on. I feel they made that cousin feel good by knocking me down
You know how some people favourite children over others

I feel like they enjoyed feeling good and happy by knocking other people down..do you know what I mean.

As a child, I was made to feel like i was the least important cousin by far..my other cousins were treated great. And I was treated bad. It made them feel important.

Anyway

I don't knoe why you care if you never speak to your aunt? Like why does it matter that your dm told her sister that she helped you get up when your back seized up? If it bothers you then you need to ring a friend instead of your mum as you're not asking her to keep a normal type of confidence, you're asking her to not speak to her sister about anything to do with you even when your dm is involved.

I just wouldn't care that much and I can't understand why you do?

Your Aunt sounds jealous of your relationship with your mum. However you mum sounds like she puts her sister’s feelings before yours. You need to distance yourself a bit from her then you will care less.

Still now , my aunt is like this. She chooses her favourites. She like my.otjer aunts children

She will show photos of my other aunts adult children, saying look how great they are doing in life isn't it great. She is very involved with my other female cousins children. She is really loving and caring to them. She is like a granny to them. She goes to all of my cousin's son's plays

then with us:
My aunt never speaks to my brother ever.
My aunt hasn't spoken to my brother in about ten years. She acts like she doesn't exist. And he has had some very bad problems
.She Never ever asks how he is. She never says anything nice to me.

She just chooses her favourites and only speaks to them. I guess people have favourites in a family , but when she has been so cold to me ,and has never ever asked how I am, it has hurt

So sorry, it sounds like your mum probably spent her entire childhood trying to get approval from her sisters, and she's still stuck in the same pattern. Your horrible aunty has just transferred her nastiness to you and your mum is in denial because she wants to believe her sister cares.

I'm just in my mum's house. And I heard my my mum on the phone to her sister telling her everything about me

It just upset me, because it feels like my mum telling someone I really don't like, and who has been awful to me"everything about me".

I know logically my aunt can't do much with the information of "I hurt my back".

I just hate her knowing stuff about me, when she has been so terrible and awful to me, and I feel like my mum tells her everyrhing, and I feel like I want privacy.

Yeah exactly. My mum kind of wants approval from her sister, and to stay in with her sister (her sister is theore domineering one) so she kind of nervously tells her everyrhing .

Anyway I'll just tell my mum less

"Mum, if you can't stop yourself from telling Aunt Sheila personal information about me, I will have to stop sharing personal things with you. Your choice.

You don't have an aunty problem. You have a mum problem

Yeah you either have to stop telling your mum things that you don't want your aunt to know, or continue and stop letting yourself care about it.

@Mooshamoo
You are not going to be able to change your mother's communication patterns and family relationships.

Is your life really impacted by your mom telling your aunt that you had a problem with your back today? The level of animosity that you describe behavior your aunt and yourself seems beyond extreme based solely on favoritism.

Based upon history, you knew that asking your mom to come and assist you, probably meant that your aunt would find out. Do you really think that anyone who matter is really going to care that you had a back problem that required assistance from your mom? Who is your aunt going to tell that really cares about such things?

If your family believes you to be lazy, this information will hardly be news, and if they do not believe you to be lazy, they won't care about your aunt's gossip.

In this particular situation, you are making a mountain out of less than a mole hill.

Be grateful that your mom was available to assist you.

You can't change your mother's behaviour you can only change yours.

It hurts when you have an idea of the kind of relationship you'd like with your mother, but you have to accept that this may not be what you actually have.

I can't tell my mother anything important or personal as she tells her sister who then tells others. I've asked her not to but she still does it.

It's impacted on our relationship, I don't feel close to my mother, she doesn't really know me or what's going on in my life. It has really hurt me as I'd love to have the kind of mother daughter relationship that I see others have where they describe each other as their best friend.

I've had to make peace with the fact that our relationship isn't what I would've wanted. There's an emotional distance between us that is painful but I accept it now.

You have to decide whether you're going to keep allowing her to disappoint and hurt you, maybe it would be better to keep things to yourself from now on or confide in someone else.

Your mother sounds pathetic.
She should have loyalty to you.
As a daughter I'd be devastated by her lack of loyalty.
No way would I betray my daughters' confidences to my sisters.

Particularly a sister who treated my children so badly.

Your Mum has repeatedly shown you she can't be trusted.
She made that choice.
You make yours now.
To be let down consistently or not to tell your Mum your business.
I know which I'd choose.

Has your dm got a partner and does he get fed up with your Aunt

Just don't tell your mum stuff or distance yourself for a bit

But if you don't speak to her, then how will you know what she'll say? And who cares?

Yeah you're right.

It's just that tensions are particulary bad between me and my aunt as something happened a couple of months aho I had a particularly bad argument with my aunt two months ago.

My mother told my aunt about something that I was doing, and my aunt sent me a very very nasty text about it. She sent me a text full of insults.

She hadn't spoken to me for ages before that. She never asks me how I am. Anything.
Then out of the blue she sent me a very very nasty text. It was a text full of insults.

that is why I was just upset today when I heard my mum talking about me to her.

But I should just not let my aunt upset me.

As it is only upsetting me not her

My mum was the same OP, only difference is my aunt is a wonderful person, yet i still hated the lack of privacy so I totally get it. Most of it was just stupid stuff but it still annoyed me. I remember once saying something personal and specifically asking Mum to keep it quiet but next time I saw Aunt she asked a question showing she knew what it was. I asked my Mum why had she told cos she promised she wouldn't tell anyone, and she said she hadn't told anyone...when I said 'you told Aunt!', she said 'well obviously I told Aunt she doesn't count' . I was livid.

I also hate people I don't like knowing anything about me so I really do get it. I think one last warning to Mum then you'll have to cut back, that's really sad for you though. You should be able to confide in your Mum.

I think @Crikeyisthatthetime has hit the nail on the Head above about your Mum seeking approval.

I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through it must be hard. I think the only way forward is to confront the aunt on her behaviour directly. If she doesn’t care, or acknowledge it, or is dismissive then I think you need to explain to your mother that you do not class your aunt as family and that if she tells her things about you that you have explicitly told her not to - well then she will be loosing her relationship with you as she should respect your wishes.
Your aunt sounds awful.

Also, after reading your update why haven’t you blocked her number?
Apart from confronting her face to face to address what her issue is, I would not have any form of communication with her ever.

I agree with the others - don't tell her anything you wouldn't want her to tell your aunt about. You can't trust her to keep your conversations to herself.

I'm the same with my mum - she tells my sister everything (I get on with my sister but like keeping my business private).

I do find it strange that your mum isn't concerned with why her own sister, who she clearly gets on with, wasn't and still isn't very nice to you - her daughter. That would have been enough for me to cool any sibling relationship I had if my sibling wasn't kind to my own child. That's the strongest part of your post - I wouldn't be choosing my sister over my own child so I find it extremely odd that your mum has.

Yes she does seem to do that.

I think it's partly because I lived abroad for three years . I've moved back now. And my aunt always lived beside my mum. So mum seems to have become a bit closer to my aunt in some ways. And she relied on my aunt.

So if I ever say to my mum - my aunt has been awful to me. My mum will say "but she was very good to me at times"

Anyway I don't want her to choose me over my aunt, they have a good relationship that's different to mine and my aunt's. I just want privacy