How do you and your DP argue?

[LusaBatoosa]

So, DH and I occasionally get on each others’ nerves and have disagreements, as I assume is the case with most couples. However, we don’t raise our voices at each other, we’ve never sworn at each other or called the other one anything. Parents and broader families on both sides communicate similarly, so I’ve always thought this fairly normal.

Ugly or insulting arguments would be a total dealbreaker for me. Everyone else I’ve dated has been pretty similar, but I had a (very) short relationship with a shouter when I was younger and dumped him, immediately.

A friend and I were chatting yesterday and she finds this hard to fathom. She is of the opinion that the occasional yelling match or ‘fuck off’ or muttered epithet are perfectly normal healthy things in relationships.

Anyway, we’re happy and will be remaining as we are. However, it got me wondering, what is ‘normal’ in this context amongst people who would consider themselves in good relationships?

YABU: DP and I sometimes argue in the manner described and have a healthy loving relationship.

YANBU: DP and I never argue in the manner described and have a healthy loving relationship

YABU: DP and I sometimes argue in the manner described and have a healthy loving relationship.

YANBU: DP and I sometimes argue in the manner described and have a healthy loving relationship.

?? YABU/YANBU are identical.

Anyway, we act like you OP. I couldn't stand being yelled or sworn at and would not have stayed with a man who treated me like this.

DP and I sometimes argue in the manner described and have a healthy loving relationship.

Oh, dear. I’m an idiot. It should be:

YANBU: DP and I never argue in the manner described and have a healthy loving relationship.

Thanks for catching it! I’ll see if MNHQ can change it for me.

I'm the same as you OP. I do not deal in name calling, 'fuck offs', silent treatment, screaming etc.
I understand that sometimes someone really winds you up and you need to get some frustration out, so I understand that things get short and shouty sometimes.
However - to me, if there is a conflict, you get the initial flush of frustration from adrenaline, then surely the objective is to resolve the issue with the person you love - I can't imagine wanting to punish them or hurt them in retaliation to an issue with name calling or 'fuck offs'.
If I'm honest, and this isn't a nice thing to think as people have all sorts of trauma and history to deal with and noones perfect, but I do consider people who argue like that not very emotionally intelligent.
The other thing is, to me, I want to be a good partner. So I owe it to my partner to be good in an argument and I wanna work on that, I don't understand people who are horrible during arguments and upset their partner by HOW they argued who then just go 'well it was an argument, you know I've got a temper' I just find it so uncaring...

Well, that isn't going to work either, is it?

You've described two ways of arguing in your first post. Which one are we supposed to be agreeing with?

DH and I regularly tell each other to fuck off

But we don't have children so we have nobody to "model behaviour" to, and neither of us see it as offensive or insulting. It's just words.

I know on MN any kind of swearing is seen as a massive red flag for some kind of abuse, though.

Yup. We’re totally on the same page. Particularly the final bit. I love my husband and the idea of saying the most horrible things and hurting the lovely man I married to ‘win’ an argument is pretty hard for me to understand.

I've never argued, bickered, raised my voice or sworn at my partner and vice Verda. We never have "minor disagreements ". We just really get along and love being with each other. We've been together over 13 years and he brought his children to our relationship and I brought mine. We have children together also so there is a lot of scope for possible fallings out but it just doesn't happen. I know I'm incredibly lucky and he is genuinely the most lovely person I know. My parents would bicker regularly and I really didn't like it.

Yeah, I’ve butchered this. 🤣

Let’s ignore the poll and just have a nice chat, instead. As I am clearly incapable of writing a comprehensible post.

We don't really argue as such.

We aren't perfect by any means, but we are good communicators. I don't like to stew on things so if I'm upset, I will tell my husband straight away that what he has done has upset me.

If something makes my husband angry, he is quick to vocalise.

I would rather get things out in the open and come to a solution. DH likes to be pissed off for a bit, so I just leave him to it as I know within half an hour, he will be back to chat and resolve.

Personally, I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag for anything. I just don’t do it and wouldn’t accept it being done to me. Which isn’t to say there’s anything wrong with it.

We don't argue. Never a cross word.

You’ve never had a single disagreement of any kind, about anything, with your partner in 13 years?

OP we're the same as you. Can't be doing with the yelling and screaming! Never swear at him, or name call. That's just disrespectful.

17 years together; we disagree from time to time, obviously, but we have never raised our voices at each other and never sworn at or otherwise insulted the other person.

Oh, I wasn't referring to you personally :)

I just know in general from these threads that any mention of raised voices or bad language seems to automatically trigger the "LTB" type replies.

Personally I think there's a difference between swearing in jest or as part of your normal vocabulary, and swearing in anger. I wouldn't tolerate the latter.

We sometimes fall out and there are sometimes raised voices but we never call each other names, ever, and we don’t swear at each other. We don’t say anything in the heat of the moment that can’t be taken back, so we only ever attack behaviour, not the person. And however much we’re annoying the other one, we don’t want to hurt them just to score points.

I never shout, scream or raise my voice. I’m quick to tell him to fuck off or shut the fuck up but that’s because I have a potty mouth anyway. I swear all the time so it doesn’t just disappear in an argument.

He never swears, doesn’t raise his voice or shout. He barely says anything as he’s so nonchalant so he usually leaves me for an hour or two to calm down and then we can talk properly. We rarely argue tbf

Been together 45 years and neither of us have ever shouted or sworn at the other. Minor friendly bickering is the worst it gets.

My DC and their partners are the same.

Bature: nope. Never. We just get along fantastically well. He is fantastic company. Plus thoughtful and gorgeous. We are very happy. I can't even think of anything he does that causes me minor annoyance. It's just the way we are.

We tend to grumble at each other and sulk and have a bit of space to ourselves for a couple of hours and then make up. Sometimes I think that shouting at each other would be healthier, because we do sometimes smooth over little issues until they become bigger problems, or not express when we upset because we both dislike conflict. I think we've got better at conflict over the almost 30 years we've been together, but we haven't reached the ideal balance yet, either.

We don’t shout or insult each other, ever. In all my previous relationships there were arguments like that, and I thought it was normal, and then I met DP and discovered that it doesn’t have to be like that. I am a thousand times happier without all the drama.

We agree on most things so we don’t have a huge amount to argue about anyway, but the few disagreements we have are very civilised.

I’ve literally never heard my DP shout in any setting except football matches.

We rarely argue but there have been times we have shouted and sworn at each other through frustration but we've worked through it. Talked about it and apologised.

No relationship is perfect.

We may occasionally raise voices but typically don’t. What we absolutely never do is make the argument personal - no insults, swearing or assigning blame.
I used to date someone who turned every argument into a list of my personal faults. It’s not until I met my partner I realised how inappropriate it was. Even if we have the worst argument ever, he is never rude or cruel.

Meh, I tell DH to fuck off most days, and he tells me the samr but we are a sweary couple and it's usually in jest.

However we have enormous blazing rows and some of them have been very nasty or unnecessary at times on both parts.