How do you and your DP argue?

[LusaBatoosa]

So, DH and I occasionally get on each others’ nerves and have disagreements, as I assume is the case with most couples. However, we don’t raise our voices at each other, we’ve never sworn at each other or called the other one anything. Parents and broader families on both sides communicate similarly, so I’ve always thought this fairly normal.

Ugly or insulting arguments would be a total dealbreaker for me. Everyone else I’ve dated has been pretty similar, but I had a (very) short relationship with a shouter when I was younger and dumped him, immediately.

A friend and I were chatting yesterday and she finds this hard to fathom. She is of the opinion that the occasional yelling match or ‘fuck off’ or muttered epithet are perfectly normal healthy things in relationships.

Anyway, we’re happy and will be remaining as we are. However, it got me wondering, what is ‘normal’ in this context amongst people who would consider themselves in good relationships?

YABU: DP and I sometimes argue in the manner described and have a healthy loving relationship.

YANBU: DP and I never argue in the manner described and have a healthy loving relationship

Neither dh nor I have ever lost our tempers at each other (18 years). But we do say when we’re not happy pretty immediately so there’s nothing bottled up to explode. And we’re mostly caring of each other and only thoughtless very occasionally and happy to apologise.

Generally speaking, we don't argue. We do have opinions that differ, and we do state our own opinion. Either we reach a compromise, or, what usually happens, one of us just isn't as invested in that particular subject, and is happy to step back and let the other one get on with it.

Also, if we do get huffy with each other, neither of us actually likes it, so invariably one of us makes the other on a cup of tea as a peace offering, then we agree to disagree.

I don't recall ever having a slanging match with DH. It's not something I feel comfortable doing.

One of the reasons my current relationship works and my marriage didn't is that when we argue (which isn't very often) we argue rationally, respectfully and without bringing personal insults into it. Perspectives get considered, lessons get learned and people take care not to do the same things again. One of the reasons I love my partner is that each time I've raised something with him he takes it on board and literally never does it again.

I came from a family where people argued a lot and it was encouraged as a "healthy exchange of views". It wasn't. It was usually vindictive venting and it led to some terminally damaging things being said. My marriage was like this and my husband used to constantly character assassinate me in the name of "clearing the air". It didn't clear the air, it poisoned the relationship.

There's a spectrum from never discussing anything of any importance ever up to constantly kicking off about everything. Neither extreme is healthy. Communication is important; not being able to discuss problems in a relationship is not a good thing and I'm slightly suspicious that couples who literally never argue are just tamping things down and swallowing them. But personalising and weaponising everything is a fast road to destroying your partner's self-esteem and trust. There's an art to constructive argument.

We've maybe had any 3 of those types of row in 12 years.

It happens sometimes.

Neither of us can be arsed with blazing rows or being in a mood all day or anything like that.

We obviously disagree on occasion, but we're both quite good at communicating if we are- saying "hey I have something I need to get off my chest, you annoyed me before when you said x as it made me feel y".

I grew up in an emotionally repressed household where parents never said they were annoyed till it would blow up with someone snapping and a blazing row. Made me feel on eggshells in my own home, and I would never willingly choose that environment again.

We never have "minor disagreements "

So, this I find fascinating. You’ve never had to discuss differing positions and come to an agreement; never disagreed on a parenting decision; never had cause to go ‘I didn’t really like when you XYZ’?

We get along and love being together, as well. However, I wouldn’t have thought it possible to be on the exact same page about every single thing, every single day, for 13 years.

Lusabatoosa: I know it sounds unbelievable and we often say to each other that we never have a cross word but we just don't. We enjoy being together too much to waste it with a disagreement. We are on the same page with life in general. At the end of a weekend when work/school/the routine is about to begin again we often say to each other "I've had a lovely weekend with you".

Same as you OP. I grew up in a shouty household with shouty parents who thought they hid their screaming matches from us but really didn't. As we got older they told us screaming and swearing at one another or chucking things at eachother is normal when you love eachother and couples who don't fight regularly are just "suppressing their emotions". It's fucking horrible to live like that so I swore it'd never be me.

Happy to say in 17 years we've never shouted at or screamed at one another or had a blazing row of any kind. Worst thing I've ever chucked at him is a sock. The odd minor disagreement is resolved by talking to each other. My daughter has never had to put her pillow over her ears to drown out the sounds of her parents verbally abusing each other like I did.

I still know lots of people who, like my parents, think ferocious rows are a sign of true love and passion. I feel sad for those people.

What do you think a minor disagreement is, exactly? We’re not talking about cross words, though. In fact, this post is specifically not about cross words. It’s about being able to disagree with your partner, have a civil adult conversation about said agreement and come to a mutually satisfactory conclusion.

You’re apparently saying that you’ve never had to do that. You may think it sounds blissful, but it just sounds a bit unhealthy and repressed. Nobody can 100% agree with anyone 100% of the time, and that’s okay. It’s not a particularly desirable state.

Bature: you say unhealthy and repressed I say that conflict just never arises. Dp recently wanted to extend our pond. I said maybe wait until after Christmas when the weather is warmer and we are less busy. Ok he said. No drama. If he had wanted to continue I would have said ok. No drama.

We don't argue, sometimes we'll bicker for a few minutes, but that's usually because I'm the one folding arms and saying humphhh!
He's usually too laid back to summons up the energy to argue.
Never name calling, swearing or getting personal though.
In over forty years of marriage I can honestly say that we've only ever had one all out ding dong where the gloves came off and there was enough swearing to make a docker blush.
It ended with me throwing a large mixing bowl full of Yorkshire pudding batter across the kitchen.
We laugh about it now and neither of us could even tell you what it was about.

I know no one asked me, I did post earlier saying we have never had a cross word. It doesn't mean we don't disagree. Or that I can't say no to something. It just means we don't row about things.

We don't argue that often but when we do there is most definitely shouting and swearing. We always both apologise after we've calmed down.