Asian perspective on this please

[imsofedup]

This might be long but I’ll try to summarise!

husband is very evidently jealous of my sisters but phrases it in ways he couldn’t give a shit and I’m the one with the problem My family are very close knit whereas his are very weird. He’s got 2 older sisters that live 15 minutes and 45 minutes away. I’ve probably seen them in the 15 years of marriage about 12 times. All his uncles and aunties live in the same town as us. We’ve been invited to every occasion birthdays etc from my sisters whereas his sisters never invited us to anything, they meet up amongst themselves but never invite him. They visit MIL (their mum) 3 times a year even though they live so close by but never once come around our home and we’ve invited them hundreds of times. DH would never see them unless he goes to his mums house same time they do. So that’s the background. Other things to set the scene of type of people they are: when my first child was born (a daughter) they made so many comments about it’s a girl etc. I invited them to her first Xmas and one replied “no, I don’t consider you as my family, my husbands family is my family” those were her exact words. The other said they’re planning to go on holiday which was fine. But of course DH And MIL said the SIL is perfectly right and after marriage the girl no longer should consider her blood family as her own! Lol she’s married a non Indian btw! So she’s not all that “traditional”. I bit my tongue and this is hundreds of examples but this one stings still 10 years later.

Not once has husband defended me or our family. Not once has he tried to resolve my feelings of not feeling part of his family. He could easily do this but doesn’t. He just cares about his job and everything else is second.

issue today - it’s Diwali and like every year my sisters have invited us over for Diwali (I don’t have parents anymore) and I didn’t mention as I knew he would have a huge meltdown. But I got sad thinking this morning how families are getting together and us saddos are gonna be home alone (mil in India at the moment). Things escalated very quickly (kids were upstairs sleeping). He shouted at me and said “you love your sister (the eldest one who invited us) so fucking much go and fucking go and lick her pussy out! I know that what you really want”. This enraged me as it’s so immature and bloody disgusting! My sister is like my mum, she’s taken on a mother role as I’m the youngest one. I got so angry and please no judgements - I threw the breakfast plates at him and my kids toys were on table which I threw every single one at his head.

once I calmed down I tried to discuss and his response was the “same fucking conversation every year”, which he’s right we do have same conversation. But my point is still the same - I cannot, and most importantly my kids cannot have happy extended family memories as he get jealous. If his sisters invited us I would go in a heartbeat to give my kids memories but they don’t. His uncles and aunties keep to themselves too and the only 2 that did bother with us (well before my kids were born) I was instructed by MIL not to speak to them as she dislikes them! So to keep the peace I backed off. If it wasn’t for my sisters I would have no family.

please can I have some Indian perspective on this. I am so down and if it wasn’t for my kids I would end my miserable life right now

I am not Asian but your husband sounds like an arsehole by any culture's standards. I'm sorry for your loss of your parents - I would certainly be holding other relatives closer in that situation. YANBU.

Thank you @TheOccupier im not sure why now I wrote Asian perspective! Any perspective is fine x

I’m Indian and growing up we were a lot closer to my mother’s family and tended to see more of them. This was partly because most of my father’s family were abroad but also just because my mum’s family made a lot more effort. I don’t remember it ever causing any issues.

I know that some Indian families are a bit funny about daughters when they marry and consider that they now “belong” to their husband’s family but that doesn’t mean that they don’t see their daughters at all!

Also do your husband’s sisters mark celebrations such as raksha bandhan and bhai dooj?

How can I just stop trying to raise the sane issue with him? I wish I hadn’t now as there’s so much tension in the house.

Focus on your own kids and create new memories for them for your celebration

@karmakameleon no they don’t. The sisters never tie a Rakhri on him. On my daughters first Rakhri I took her to my sisters house for her to tie a Rakhri on my nephew and MIL flipped and said how dare I not go to his sisters house (my SIL). I told her how will they tie a Rakhri on their Cousin when they don’t on their own brother?

You have a husband problem. Perhaps his sisters avoid him for good reason

It's abusive of him to try and isolate you from your family. Why does he get to decide anyway?

Honestly these people just want trouble. If the sister isn’t tying a Rakhi on her brother then it would look worse if you turned up with a Rakhi to tie on the cousin brother! They’d have complained whatever you did!

I’m Asian. Diwali is so very important for my friends, go to your sisters. Get your kids ready, grab a box of chocolates and go to your sisters and be happy.

ignore him totally. If he wants it be miserable that on him.

do you want to spend the rest of your life trapped with this disgusting piece of crap?

I think you have marriage issues. If you want to celebrate with his family then ask them and if they say your not welcome don't bother again. Your daughters first Christmas I can understand why they wouldn't want to celebrate it. Your husband sounds like a dick but being violent isn't the answer

Why didn’t you and your children go to your sisters?
just go and celebrate and ignore your dh. He sounds abusive.

You are worried about your children not having an extended family to enjoy. What about enjoying the immediate family. Your husband is a foul- mouthed bully and you are majorly violent. What kind of home environment is that for them?

His uncles and aunties keep to themselves too and the only 2 that did bother with us (well before my kids were born) I was instructed by MIL not to speak to them as she dislikes them! So to keep the peace I backed off.
I'm not Asian but I think you were being very unreasonable here. Your MIL sounds toxic, no reason to accept her dictats on who you can or can't speak to.

I'm so sorry OP, your in-laws seem horrible, orthodox and full of crap. I wouldn't put up with that kind of nonsense and whilst I have a problem that's different to yours, I would never allow anyone to dictate who I speak or don't speak to from my family. Please go to your sister's house and celebrate Diwali with the kids. I'm really sad my baby is down with covid and in hospital, this is her first Diwali and how I wish we were celebrating it. These are memories you want to treasure for life and Diwali is so important for us, Indians. I also wish I had decent in-laws who we could celebrate Diwali with, unfortunately I don't, our bad luck.

You go and enjoy with the kids, don't let anyone ruin this day for you. Once you're back and things have settled down a bit, try to have a conversation with your husband and explain how you feel about the whole thing. Try to knock some sense into him. If he continues the treat you poorly, ask yourself do you really want to be with this man for the rest of your life? Is he even a role model to his kids?

Op I’m not Indian/Asian but concerned you say you feel so low you are thinking of ending things. Please do seek support in RL. Is your dh really right for you? Can you confide in your dsis who is like a mum to you?

Thank you everyone.

@shininglight16 sending lots of good wishes to your baby x

How can I deal with the screaming that he does when we try to discuss anything? It all ends in a huge fight. I cannot discuss anything with him

There's alot more going on here than just his 'jelousy' OP. He sounds controlling, disrespectful towards you and has deliberately cut you and the kids off from your only family. This is really bad for you obv but your kids are missing out on so much if their aunts and family are genuinely welcoming people. You need to think long and hard about where your going with this guy because it won't be the first or last time he tries to control you like this , it'll soon be more restrictive and it'll also turn to your kids you need to start building a escape plan if he doesn't sort himself out pronto.

OP, I'm not Asian, but please take your kids and hi to your sisters' now. Don't let your H spoil another Diwali for you and your children.

Long term, frankly, I'd leave your H.
That or ignore him (and of course your in laws) altogether in future. You have your sisters, enjoy them. And just announce that this is the way things will be in the future. You will not allow them to steal any more good times from you and the children. And please speak to the nice aunt and uncle and often as you wish!

Happy Diwali!

I just feel if his sisters were slightly more friendly we wouldn’t have this issues. I think over time he’s becoming bitter about his crappy his family are. I also think they are very wrong for not making any effort with our kids or their own brother.

Why don’t they make an effort? And I agree go to your sister’s let him sulk!

Punjabi here.
I left a husband for less abuse than this! Sorry but I'm very pro LTB in these situations.

The whole 'a girls family is her in laws' is absolutely bollocks. But the majority did still think of things this way even 15 years ago. Times have changed DRASTICALLY in the last 2/3 years.

The only way you stop a man who has clearly verbally abused you and emotionally abused you for 15 years is by leaving him. You want to raise your children in a world where they see that men and women ARE EQUAL, where you celebrate your traditions HOWEVER YOU LIKE and keep family ties alive with WHOEVER YOU LIKE.

Your husband, I hate to say it, is a typical backwards misogynistic prick. Don't allow him to dictate your life. And don't ever allow your children to think this is normal. It's not.

I divorced my exh when my daughter was 1. He's still a misogynistic prick at times but we share parenting as amicably as possible. He's only changed because he has a daughter, put a lot into perspective for him.

There's stigma to getting divorced of course because Asians give too much of a shit about what every fucker will think. But does anyone actually give a shit about you and what you have to deal with? In 2023? When we thought behaviour such as this had been stamped out of Asian men by now?

since my split I've never been happier and I'm now settled with a new partner (who happens to be non asian) with a lovely home life. The amount of love and respect in our household is so high, there's no expectation of some 'wife like role' as we share all home duties (I'm at a kids party with dd whilst my DP is at home making our dinner for tonight, and he's setting up candles for Diwali).

You only get one life no matter which way you look at it. You have to protect your children from this way of thinking.

What he said about you and your sister is so beyond disgusting, I'd say that alone is enough ti call it a day on this farce of a marriage. Don't ever, EVER let anyone speak to you like that, and don't ever let anyone get away with saying such disgusting things about your family.

I don't think this is an issue with his sisters or his family particularly (although clearly his relationship with his family has a bearing on his issues). The issues are, that he is jealous of the relationship you have with your family, which is fine, that's a feeling, but he is acting aggressive and rude about you wanting to do a perfectly normal thing and see family, which is completely unacceptable. He is also being immature (probably because he knows he is in the wrong) and refusing to discuss it rationally like a grown up.
You can't really argue with someone like that. You could see if he would do couples therapy though I doubt he would. Otherwise I think the only thing you can do is calmly state, that you have a right to have a relationship with your family and you will not tolerate rude or aggressive behaviour from him about this. You will be seeing your family, with or without him and its fine if he doesnt want to go, but if he becomes rude or aggressive about you doing this you will not listen to it or engage. You will walk out each time until he learns to discuss things rationally and calmly and treat you with respect. And then you follow through

I’m the wrong kind of Asian for your question as Chinese :) but what your husband said was absolutely disgusting, he sounds like an awful person. Hope you’re ok op.