Asian perspective on this please

[imsofedup]

This might be long but I’ll try to summarise!

husband is very evidently jealous of my sisters but phrases it in ways he couldn’t give a shit and I’m the one with the problem My family are very close knit whereas his are very weird. He’s got 2 older sisters that live 15 minutes and 45 minutes away. I’ve probably seen them in the 15 years of marriage about 12 times. All his uncles and aunties live in the same town as us. We’ve been invited to every occasion birthdays etc from my sisters whereas his sisters never invited us to anything, they meet up amongst themselves but never invite him. They visit MIL (their mum) 3 times a year even though they live so close by but never once come around our home and we’ve invited them hundreds of times. DH would never see them unless he goes to his mums house same time they do. So that’s the background. Other things to set the scene of type of people they are: when my first child was born (a daughter) they made so many comments about it’s a girl etc. I invited them to her first Xmas and one replied “no, I don’t consider you as my family, my husbands family is my family” those were her exact words. The other said they’re planning to go on holiday which was fine. But of course DH And MIL said the SIL is perfectly right and after marriage the girl no longer should consider her blood family as her own! Lol she’s married a non Indian btw! So she’s not all that “traditional”. I bit my tongue and this is hundreds of examples but this one stings still 10 years later.

Not once has husband defended me or our family. Not once has he tried to resolve my feelings of not feeling part of his family. He could easily do this but doesn’t. He just cares about his job and everything else is second.

issue today - it’s Diwali and like every year my sisters have invited us over for Diwali (I don’t have parents anymore) and I didn’t mention as I knew he would have a huge meltdown. But I got sad thinking this morning how families are getting together and us saddos are gonna be home alone (mil in India at the moment). Things escalated very quickly (kids were upstairs sleeping). He shouted at me and said “you love your sister (the eldest one who invited us) so fucking much go and fucking go and lick her pussy out! I know that what you really want”. This enraged me as it’s so immature and bloody disgusting! My sister is like my mum, she’s taken on a mother role as I’m the youngest one. I got so angry and please no judgements - I threw the breakfast plates at him and my kids toys were on table which I threw every single one at his head.

once I calmed down I tried to discuss and his response was the “same fucking conversation every year”, which he’s right we do have same conversation. But my point is still the same - I cannot, and most importantly my kids cannot have happy extended family memories as he get jealous. If his sisters invited us I would go in a heartbeat to give my kids memories but they don’t. His uncles and aunties keep to themselves too and the only 2 that did bother with us (well before my kids were born) I was instructed by MIL not to speak to them as she dislikes them! So to keep the peace I backed off. If it wasn’t for my sisters I would have no family.

please can I have some Indian perspective on this. I am so down and if it wasn’t for my kids I would end my miserable life right now

@HowAmYa thank you. It was really lovely reading your post.

@RubySunset82 i think the eldest SIL is in her own world so doesn’t do it on purpose in terms of distancing herself but she puts her social life and holidays as top priority rather than thinking of her brother and her mother etc. which I’ve got no issue with but I feel she could make more effort sometimes.

the middle SIL is a very jealous and manipulative bitch. She actually told me in the early days that she wishes her husband was more career focused like my DH. I remember we’d been married for about 1 year and were in MIL house and the rare obligation visit she made whilst we were there and MIL very proudly (rightly so) told her and the BIL my DH has been promoted. SIL got really visibly upset and not even a congrats and stormed out of the room. It was very awkward and weird and no one mentioned it since, everyone just went quiet and acted like it didn’t happen. DH didn’t want to discuss and felt embarrassed about his promotion. I did feel bad for him that day tbh. She’s very jealous of him. I think seeing that we’re a decade younger than her makes her very unhappy and discontent that her brother is more successful than her DH. They both in same field of work.

Perhaps his sisters just recognise what a disgusting piece of shit he is. What he said is revolting.

I'm sorry you don't have the right in-laws. My husband's brother's wife is jealous of us too. We're doing so much better career wise, we bought our own home, we go on holidays etc whilst they still need to borrow money from her parents. The best thing is to stay away from such toxic and bitter people, they aren't worth wasting your time over. I would think about it all the time and long for a close healthy relationship but after a couple of really negative incidents, I put my foot down and said enough is enough. Life is too short, please do what makes you happy.

Agree with all of this. Hopefully your family would be supportive if you ltb.

You did the right thing @HowAmYa I'm glad you stood up for yourself and what you believe in. Unfortunately, this country is still plagued with orthodox regressive Asians who treat daughter-in-law's like an outsider and put sons on a pedestal. The bitchiness, misogynistic attitudes, backward thinking, none of that has changed. They should seriously consider visiting metropolitan cities in India, people have evolved and how. Indians in India (talkIng about the big cities) have modernized and progressed in life, whilst Indians or Asians here in the UK seem to live in the 60's and 70's. What a shame! What's LTB by the way? I need some guidance on how to tell my in-laws to f off and stop interfering in my life. They're ignorant and not educated but behave as I'm dumb and try to pull me down all the time.

Thank you everyone for the support. It’s not the first time he’s said disgusting things on the same lines involving my sister. He doesn’t tend to use bad language generally just the odd occasion. I know my mind is going places it shouln’t but I’ve always had a feeling he was sexually abused by one of his sisters or another relative. I say this over many years of little things which on their own wouldn’t mean anything but together it gets me thinking. He says disgusting things relating to licking my sister out (he’s not into this so it’s not exactly on his mind), one older relative once out of the blue asked how he is and suggested he’s been through a lot in his childhood and that he must have told me but I couldn’t ask what at the time and I really wish I had. It’s just lots of things it might not be but I don’t have anyone in RL to talk to. His family dynamics are very weird.

he’s also very immature and I know children who are sexually abused kind of get stuck at the age they were. I myself don’t feel “adult” like and I was abused at age 10. I have spoken about it and my sister helped me through it. It was a male cousin who we lived with when my mum passed away, we no longer speak to them or the rest of them. I do really sense this but when I’ve asked him in the past he laughs.

@shininglight16

LTB = leave the bastard.

@imsofedup but whatever it is, you don’t deserve to be his outlet for his trauma or his pain. He needs to find a way to tackle his own demons. You and your kids should not suffer because of him.

He needs to face up to getting some help; but you can’t rescue him.

I hope you went to your sister’s. There is nothing like Diwali to shed light on a situation, I hope you now see you are worth so much more than he gives.