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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to go with DP to his friend's dinner as promised

29 replies

toomuch90 · 12/11/2023 11:44

I have SO MUCH ON. Normally I love going to meet with DP's friends across the country, but I feel overwhelmed this week.

I feel like I've not got time to keep on top of anything properly. I moved into a new house and area last month, so I've still got stuff all over the place to organise. My dog is about to come into season so is extra demanding. I haven't bought a car yet so am relying on public transport. Work has suddenly stepped up and I have four reports to write and then negotiate the project deliverables this week, on top of my usual workload. I have parcels to send to the post office and a deposit dispute ongoing with my last rented house. I have to catch up on my work course and am going to travel to London in two weeks' time for me and my dog to stay with friends (with a day's training and a Christmas party thrown in, both requiring more train travel during that time).

On top of all this, my DP, who is usually lovely and has been very helpful with my moving and with the dog (we don't officially live together as he owns a flat in a different part of the country, but he spends most of his time at my house) is upset because I 'never want to spend time at his place' and he says he doesn't see his friends enough. I am feeling stifled right now, and have encouraged him to go back to his and see his friends, but the main sticking point is I promised months ago to go to his friend's dinner on Friday (there's a deposit involved etc.) and I really don't want to go, because of all the stress of moving the dog to a new place (DP's flat, really not dog-friendly), yet more train travel, won't have time to sort out my own shit etc.

AIBU for trying to get out of travelling to DP's place for the dinner? I don't know how I'll make it up to him. It's very important to him to honour his social commitments and he will prioritise anything he's invited to. I just feel tired of splitting myself all across the country for this relationship and now I have my dog and new house to consider as well. I feel guilty but at the same time I just want to stay in one house for longer than a week and a half. Please help. I feel like a flaky, exhausted grump.

OP posts:
Doseofreality · 12/11/2023 11:48

You are able to make time and go and see your friends though? I would be pissed if I were him.

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 12/11/2023 11:49

If you've made a commitment and paid a deposit you need to go. Get someone to look after your dog at your house or put it in kennels.

Original poster
toomuch90 · 12/11/2023 11:51

My dog has never been in kennels, I wouldn't do that to her while she risks being in season either.

I've organised to see my friends the week after because they can help look after my dog and DP will be in the area as well as we both have work commitments in the area that week, so it's convenient for both of us and helps us both out. Going to see his friends next week though involves a lot more effort.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 12/11/2023 11:52

Yeah, I think you have to go to this one. Right now it seems like a bit much, but nearer the time you might feel more like it. Or even if you don't, you may enjoy it when you get there.

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 12/11/2023 11:54

It sounds like your dog is more important to you then your boyfriend, which is a bit weird.

Goldenbear · 12/11/2023 11:54

Not meant in a contentious way but having read your OP, he fits the description of a boyfriend not a partner, if you live in different parts of the country then the expectations seem quite high. If he is your live in Partner I would say he's right to be upset. Personally, I am not sure if a boyfriend can have those expectations on your time so YANBU.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 12/11/2023 11:54

Can't imagine letting my ddog being in heat being a justifiable excuse to let my dp down. Simplify your life by not stressing about the trivia stuff...

Randommother · 12/11/2023 11:54

It’s not til Friday, by which time the reports, project negotiations and parcels should be sorted. I’d try to make it if I was you, you’ve paid the deposit and it clearly means a lot to your DP. If by Friday you’re too exhausted to go, just be honest and tell him, it sounds like he’ll be disappointed though.

Original poster
toomuch90 · 12/11/2023 11:55

Thanks for the replies everyone, I'm quite liking the encouragement to go as I really struggle with boundaries and overdoing it/not putting myself first. Good to know what's reasonable vs unreasonable for others as I struggle to get a fair perspective on it.

OP posts:
SierraSapphire · 12/11/2023 11:55

Don't go. I used to keep to commitments to others whatever the effect on me and then I got cancer and realised I've spent my life prioritising other people's needs when my body was screaming "no". But do go when you're feeling more settled and in control.

connie26 · 12/11/2023 11:57

You said you would go, so you probably should.

TheresaCrowd · 12/11/2023 12:00

It's a good job he wasn't too busy to help you with your house move and your dog.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/11/2023 12:09

How much do you want this person in your life? If I was him I'd be dumping you for putting a dog before me. If you don't mind being dumped don't bother going. If he actually means something to you, show him.

tescocreditcard · 12/11/2023 12:09

Of course you should go. The only time you shouldn't go somewhere you planned to is in an emergency. An emergency means a parent or child is dead or dying.

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/11/2023 12:14

Personally, I wouldn't go. I've experienced burn out before, and I know i need to cut things out if I feel it returning. Though obviously i try not to make too many commitments in the first place, sometimes life gets out of hand.

Assuming he's a good partner, I'd commit to making it up to him in the future though, and work out what other element of my life i need to scale back instead.

MarryingMrDarcy · 12/11/2023 12:16

You should go because you know it would mean a lot to him. And he matters to you (…right?)

You have a lot on because you’ve presumably chosen to take on lots and lots of activities; drop something else. This isn’t the sort of thing you should drop unless you don’t really care about him.

arintingly · 12/11/2023 12:20

I would go.

You committed to it. It's important to your DP. He has helped you out a lot.

And the train aspect feels like it makes it easier not harder surely? Means you don't have to concentrate on driving, you can chill out and read a book or nap or if you prefer, you can do your work reports instead

ilovesooty · 12/11/2023 12:24

If you committed to it you should go.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/11/2023 12:29

Why are you putting a dog before your boyfriend?

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 12/11/2023 12:30

I don't even stay home when my dd's have their period.. Am I a terrible dm?

Deargodletitgo · 12/11/2023 12:31

If he's driving to the social thing with you, use the time to research cars to buy and do other admin tasks, I get a lot done!

Mrsjayy · 12/11/2023 12:34

I mean can't you take the dog to your boyfriends seems like he's always at yours which suits you .

AgnesX · 12/11/2023 12:34

Missing the point a bit but why isn't your dog neutered, are you going to breed her?

On point, you've got a lot in your plate. Stay at home this time.

Mrsjayy · 12/11/2023 12:35

take the dog to your boyfriends house not to dinner.

Stopbloodybanging · 12/11/2023 12:37

Go. You promised you would. You will create far more problems by not going than you will save by staying. Do if for your DP.