Mum's neighbour

[namechange1032]

I have a bit of a problem at Christmas. I'm going to my mum's who I recently found out has dementia.

Her next door neighbour has been very helpful, driving her to appointments and such. I'm very grateful to her.

The problem is, she reads the Daily Heil and has terribly racist views including anti English views. She often invites herself in and will probably come over while I'm there.

While I'm a big proponent of free speech and am grateful to her for the help she's given my mum, I find it hard to talk to her as she winds me up. How do I keep the peace over Christmas?

Find someone else to look after your mum?

As a Scot, I apologise on behalf of this woman... very embarrassing for us more open minded folk.

I think I'd gently challenge her when she says racist or anti English stuff. Just keep saying people are all the same and don't believe the rubbish that's printed in the daily mail. She might not change but at least you wouldn't feel like you were saying nothing.

Can your mum come to you for Christmas-if she’s got Alzheimer’s, that might be easier for her than thinking about hosting and it removes the neighbour issue!

@doctorfosterwenttohospital ”I have to strongly disagree with those saying just ignore her comments for one day.

You should never ignore racist comments!”

And what happens to the OPs mum when she leaves after a week, and her friend no longer wants to drive her to all her appointments because she’s been told off by OP?

@2jacqi 'a typical SNP supporter' because she's 'anti-English'?

You must realise that statements like this are 1. Untrue generalisations, 2. Just as bad.

Oh behave for goodness sake. I am sure most posters are able to read what OP has written in the context without being emotionally damaged. You are being ridiculous.

The audacity to make a comment like that when Peckham was predominantly a black area anyway. Her son can fuck right off and live somewhere else. I heard Essex is nice this time of year

Is she your mums friend? Does your mum want to spend time with her? I think for me this would be the things that determines how I respond.

If she isn’t your mums friend I’d distance from her and find someone else and some other way of getting your mums needs met.

If she IS your mums friend and your mum likes being with her it’s more complicated as presumably you want to support your mum to maintain her friendships while she can and it’s your mums choice who she is friends with. In that instance I think I’d have as little contact as possible with her and challenge the things she says or maybe directly say to her “look I’m thankful that you are a good friend to my mum but I hate when you says things like x, Y, z because they’re Scot’s and I’m not interested in hearing them”.

Could you maybe control when she is coming around on xmas and make yourself scarce? Eg invite her for a Xmas drink and cake at 6pm, set her and your mum up with their food and drink and then go out for a walk?

I think faux innocence could be a useful tactic here. "What's wrong with black people?" "Why are you living in England if you don't like it?" said with a smile and a head tilt. That's usually enough to shut most racists up. If she launches into a rant then politely say "No, I don't agree with that" and change the subject. Works with one of my racist clients.

There is currently a shocking level of anti-Asian and anti-Semitic racism in Peckham.

I walked down Rye Lane within the last fortnight, past the hair salon which had to close because of racist attacks on the owners.

I also saw anti-Semitic posters and stickers up everywhere.

You could talk to her about this.

WTF really?

So because she helps her mother out she has to ignore her racism? Hardly dictating to everyone? Maybe if more people pointed out her imperfections she would stop spouting racist nonsense.

I walked down Rye Lane within the last fortnight, past the hair salon which had to close because of racist attacks on the owners

Are you actually shitting me? Racist attacks on the owners? Black people have RIGHTFULLY boycotted the store because the owner strangled one of their customers. He was manhandling her as if he had a right to put his hands on her.

For you to go around saying it’s a racist attack on the owners is absolutely shocking

He tried to restrain her for shoplifting.

Have a read of this:

https://thecritic.co.uk/peckham-protests-and-parasitic-merchants/

These signs look racist to me:

https://twitter.com/Uncle_londonn/status/1701627555923558601

@MongoFrogman he tried to restrain her for shoplifting? By choking her? You don’t need to provide me with links, I’m apart of this community and I know everything there is to know. If black people standing together to boycott a shop is racist then you need to educate yourself on what racism is.

Whatever the circumstances, you can’t put your hands on someone like that and think there won’t be consequences. Should us black people keep on shopping there to put money into this man’s pockets despite how violent he was to a customer. I don’t think so. That’ll be my last comment to you because the fact that you’ve said the store had to close due to racist attacks on the owner is all I need to know about you

She attacked him first, smashing him in the head with her trolley.

If white or Asian people said they would only patronise white-owned shops, that would be racist. It would be segregation. It’s just the same when it’s the other way round.

Don’t come up at me with some Marxist rubbish to try to justify it either, please.

Black people can be very racist, especially in places like Peckham. You’ve just drunk radical left cool-aid if you’d try to deny this.

Black people are rightly boycotting the shop as it’s black products that are sold within the hair shop. Why is that so hard for you to understand? His target audience is black people, black women in particular as that’s the nature of the hair shop and the contents that are sold inside. If we decide to stop purchasing items within the shop for whatever reason, how is that segregation or racism?

No one’s stopping him from rebranding his shop and opening one that targets the general public or the Asian community. Black people no longer want to put our money into this business and rightly so. Think what you want but it makes no difference anyway so no point going back and forth with you:)

Not at all. But this posters answer should be: I would call out this ladies comments and be happy to run the risk that I might have to start booking and paying for taxis for my mother if this lady gets upset and stops helping out. I would see paying for taxis as worth it to not have my mother exposed to this kind of rubbish.

Those just saying call her out, are ignoring the real risk that this lady stops helping her mum. That needs to be addressed.

Ignoring the blatant derailment of this thread.

OP there’s no good answer here because you s to fix this.
My best tactic for this lind of situation is to stay true to myself without letting them rile me.
They want a reaction, they want attention so don’t give it to them.

Smile sympathetically at her like she’s an addled dementia patient and can’t help it and forcibly move the conversation on or excuse yourself to make more tea

Just don’t let her draw you into it

🙄

People will be queuing up I’m sure.

I have an extremely racist relative who continually makes terrible comments in a very matter of fact way, as if she expects everyone else to share her abhorrent views.
She is the generation above me, and was brought up in a family who share and reinforce her views. She is never going to change her opinion.
Because of the power imbalance (she is my older and ‘better’) and the fact that I have grown up listening to her, there has never been a point in our relationship where I felt able to really challenge her. Even if I had it would have been pointless - she will never change.
What I do is say politely ‘well, I don’t really agree with that, I think that viewpoint isn’t shared by a lot of people these days. Anyway, did you have a nice walk last week?’ so I try to steer the conversation away while gently suggesting that I might not agree with her.
What I want to do us tell her she’s disgusting and bigoted and I don’t want to hear anymore of her Daily Mail shit - but that wouldn’t achieve anything. In many respects she is a ‘good’ person.
I don’t know what the answer is but I think that you need to tread carefully if she is someone who your mum relies on. Gently shut the conversation down, change the subject. You can’t force people to change their views, no matter how appalling they are.

I would be worried exposing a loved one with dementia to someone with these views.

whatever her views, the neighbour is being extremely kind driving OPs DM to appointments and checking in on her - unless she is planning to move closer to home and do that stuff herself, probably not an option.

As others have said, either change the subject when she brings something offensive.

Maybe encourage your mum to agree a plan for Christmas day - cheerfully do presents, breakfast and prep the Christmas lunch together together in the morning, with crazy neighbour invited to arrive at 1pm for lovely lunch together, staight after mince pie pudding put a film on for the oldies and say "I love a brisk walk after a great lunch" and get going for an hour or 2! If she's still there when you get back, you'll have your phone so retreat to tie room to wish family and friends a lovely day...

I really disagree that hearing opposing views is bad for you or anyone else.

It's healthy to have your certainties challenged and does no harm at all to have to think through and articulate why you disagree. It also models tolerance which is a good thing.

On this occasion, ie with a helpful neighbour, she's obviously a nice person, albeit with some questionable views. I think discretion may be the better part of valour on this one and smiling and changing the subject will be the best way to respond for your DM's sake.

OP, presumably your mother has been friendly with her neighbour for a long time. They are clearly friends. This woman is not going to change your personal views and your mother, having been exposed to them over a long period, has handled them in whatever way she has seen fit. Her diagnosis will be making her feel vulnerable and probably scared and it will be hugely important to her that she has the comfort of a familiar person accompanying her in situations like having to visit hospitals, GPs etc. Sadly this is something that will become more and more necessary. So to all those saying, "Put her in a taxi", that won't work or not for long, anway. What happens when she gets out the other end? What happens when she needs to get home again? It's a heartbreaking situation but I think you have to put your care for your mother above your principals at this point. You don't have to agree and you can certainly put your point of view to her (should the need arise) but you are not going to change her mindset now any more than you have to share it. Having said all that, I don't think that's what you came on here to ask really. I think your coping strategy will depend on exactly what happens when, what's said etc. and you'll manage ok